


Raising a Hand

by LothQuendi



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Drama, Dubious Consent, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 07:22:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 81,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24347191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LothQuendi/pseuds/LothQuendi
Summary: JD's needy and submissive disposition lands him in trouble when he finds himself in an abusive relationship. Written in 2007 except for the last two chapters, which were written in quarantine 2020.
Relationships: John "JD" Dorian/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 72
Kudos: 95





	1. Good Morning

JD knew it was for the best, but breaking up with Julie still felt like a big mistake. They'd gotten along great; she had been someone he'd actually wanted to go the distance with. He felt even more horrible when he recalled all of his friends telling him that he would screw it up with her, just like he always did. But then, they'd also said that he actually chose correctly this time; that breaking up with her because she didn't want to have a serious relationship was okay. Ten why did he feel so horrible?

Of course, after breaking up with his girlfriend, all JD wanted to do was cuddle. It wasn't really something he could ask Turk to do...well, he could, but Carla would probably get mad and start yelling. JD sighed. There was really no one to turn to for the kind of comfort he so badly needed.

Which was why he'd wandered a couple of blocks down from the hospital after work to a bar and decided to get hammered. Besides, there was nothing more life affirming than the dull thud of a hangover after a night of ranting to strangers.

JD sat on a stool at the bar and assessed his surroundings. The place was dark and smelled of liquor and cigarettes: perfect. There were three other guys spread out along the bar, a few people playing pool, and a couple making out in a dark corner. JD settled in and ordered an appletini.

"Actually, make it two," he decided. He wasn't just out drinking with friends or looking for a girl. He was there to forget for once night about his insanely bad luck with relationships. And to forget how perfect Julie had been. How they got along perfectly,joked together, fell down together, and even bought land together. God, the memories wouldn't go away.

After quickly finishing his appletinis, JD began ordering shots of whiskey. He even tried a scotch, thinking of his favorite alcoholic, but the taste made it hard to keep down so he went back to whiskey.

"And my friends all say that I'm afraid of commitment!" he complained to the bartender half an hour later, though the man was barely listening. "But, I broke up with her because she wouldn't commit! So how much could they really know, right?" The bartender gave a noncommittal grunt and wandered off to help other customers.

"Hey, I hear you," said a voice beside him. JD looked to see a man sitting a couple of stools down watching him sympathetically. JD guessed him to be in his mid-thirties, good-looking, with glasses and short brown hair. Coming out of his stupor, JD realized that the man had spoken to him.

"Yeah, see?" JD squealed at the bartender, who was now too far away to hear him. "Someone sees what I'm talking about." Then he yelled, "I'm not crazy!" a little louder than he'd intended.

"I once dated this person," the man began, moving to sit next to JD, "who refused to commit to our relationship. It was frustrating; no matter what I did, they still tried to pull away. I guess they just didn't trust me." He took a long drink from his glass, which JD vaguely noted was ginger ale.

"I'm telling you," JD slurred, "sometimes, you just have to let 'em go." He downed a shot of whiskey, wincing, and patted the man on the back. "You're better off, buddy."

The man smiled at him appreciatively. "Is that why you're drinking alone?" he asked, pointing to the line of empty shot glasses in front of JD. "Because of your girlfriend?"

JD sighed. "Yeah, I guess so. All my friends are working, and I don't want to talk to them anyway, buncha know-it-alls."

The man stuck out his hand. "Well, I'm Daniel."

JD shook the offered hand. "I'm Johnny." He'd sort of said it was a joke in his mind, and didn't realize until later that the man wouldn't get the joke, because he didn't realize that his name was JD, not Johnny.

Damn.

"Johnny," the man repeated. "Are you a doctor, Johnny?" He gestured to JD's scrubs.

JD giggled. "Kinda. I'm a re-si-dent," he said, sounding out the last word slowly. "I do doctor stuff, though. My girlfriend - ex-girlfriend - always thought it was cool to tell people that I'm a doctor. She thought it was just spiffy."

Daniel smiled, looking a little confused; he had kind, blue eyes. "I'm kind of a doctor, too. I had a PhD in Marking, and I teach at the local college."

Smartypants, JD thought, frowning.

"Another ginger ale?" the bartender asked Daniel.

"Yes, please," Daniel replied, smiling shyly.

"Three more shots for me!" JD called out. The bartender rolled his eyes, nodding. "So why aren't you drinking, Smartypants?" Oops... he hadn't actually meant to call him that.

Daniel didn't seem to notice. "I'm just not a big fan of alcohol," he explained. "Tastes gross."

"You're in a bar," JD reminded him, mouth hanging open.

Daniel seemed annoyed by this. He glared at JD. "Ginger ale is on the menu, isn't it?"

JD paused and thought about it. "I didn't see a menu."

The two sat in silence for several minutes as JD, his mind thick with drunkenness, slowly realized that he'd made Daniel angry. He found this particularly painful as, at the moment, he felt as though Daniel was his only friend in the whole world. He thought hard to come up with a way to make it up to him.

"Sorry if I made you mad," JD began stiffly after downing all three shots brought by the bartender. "Can I buy you a beer to make it up to you?" The minute it left his mouth, JD realized it was a stupid thing to say: the guy didn't drink.

But JD turned to see Daniel's face softened and smiling. "Don't worry about it, my therapist says I have issues," Daniel assured him. "In fact, since you're way too inebriated to drive, I can give you a ride him. If you want?"

JD was touched by this offer, even more so because the alcohol made every emotion he felt seem a hundred times more powerful. So even as something shouted in the back of his head about getting into cars with strangers, he accepted and paid his outstanding bill with a wad of cash fro his jacket pocket.

When he finally stood to leave, the dozen shots of whiskey suddenly kicked in, and JD found himself being held up by a worried-looking Daniel.

"Okay, there?" Daniel asked when JD was finally able to stand by himself.

"I am great," JD relied, grinning. "Just a little dizzy." And the next thing he knew, he was on the ground. Then the world went dark.

Daniel's face was the first thing that JD saw when he woke. He actually let out a screech when he saw the older man hovering just above him.  
"I guess you're awake now!" Daniel shouted back from his seat on the edge of the bed. JD slowly realized that he was in an unfamiliar bed and in an unfamiliar place.

"Did you kidnap me?" JD asked, his voice breaking. His head was still swimming, making the room spin around him, though Daniel's face remained still as it broke into a smile.

"Kidnap you?" Daniel repeated, amused. "You passed out in the bar. I don't know where you live, so I took you to my place. I mean, I hope that's okay? I didn't really know what else to do."

"Oh."

Daniel suddenly looked around the room nervously. "Listen, I ave to head off to work soon, so..."

JD was swarmed with guilt. "Yeah, I'll get out of your way." He sat up and felt as if he'd been hit in the head with a sledgehammer. Through his pain, he heard Daniel talking rapidly.

"It's not that; you're no problem. Stay as long as you'd like, sleep, shower, whatever. I just wanted to let you know that I'd be gone."

"Thank you. Wow, that's really nice of you." JD pushed away the voice in his head telling him that they were plaing out one-night stand dialogue. Mostly he was just happy to feel cared for.

Daniel gave him another adorably shy smile. "It's no problem really." Then he looked at JD with such apprehension, his eyes darting from JD's eyes to his lips and back, and JD realized that he was still sitting up in the bed and his face was mere inches from Daniel's.

Oh my God, he's going to kiss me, JD thought, and as he waited for it to happen, something in his hazy mind told him that something wasn't quite right with the whole situation. Something was off.

But then Daniel stood and turned away from the bed, clearing his throat loudly.

"Anyway, I'm just going to shower and get going," he explained, moving to the door. "It's only six a.m., so unless you have somewhere to be, feel free to sleep it off some more."

"Yeah, thanks."

Daniel gave him one last shy - almost apologetic - smile before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

As soon as the door closed, something in JD's head clicked, and he realized what was so off about Daniel almost kissing him.

Daniel was a man.

After realizing that Daniel, a man, had almost kissed him - and, more importantly, that he'd been about to let him - JD no longer felt like dozing in the man's bed. So he hopped up, grabbed his wallet from a nearby table, and wandered out of the room.  
JD gulped when he heard the shower going in the bathroom. His thoughts were still slow and hazy, but he continued to remind himself that Daniel was a man, and that JD was straight. Still, he couldn't help but feel almost affectionate towards the man for being so kind to him. JD felt that he owed him something. I'll send him a card, he finally decided.

JD exited the apartment building. He recognized where he was - only about a dozen blocks from his apartment - and walked home.

By the time his shift started at nine, JD felt much more clearheaded about the whole man-kiss business. He'd simply written it off in his mind as a weird night when he got way too wasted. He made a quick mental note to follow the whole "never get into cars with strangers" mantra next time. But part of him still felt indebted to Daniel; if it weren't for him, JD would probably be in the alley behind the bar right now. Anyway, he knew where the guy lived, so he could always send him a thank you card or something. For now, JD concentrated on getting ready for work.

Somehow, with all the excitement about Daniel, JD had forgotten the reason he'd gone out drinking the night before. After he finished his rounds about thirty minutes into his shift, the reason suddenly showed up in front of him.

"Hey Julie." JD greeted his ex-girlfriend in a state of partial hope and partial dread; she was holding a cardboard box. It could contain anything from a new puppy to a bomb! JD suddenly imaged the box exploding and puppy parts flying everywhere.

"Oh my God, how could you?" he said out loud. Julie didn't even grant him a weird look. It just made JD all the more fond of her.

"JD, I came to give you your stuff back," Julie explained, passing him the box.

He frowned. "What stuff?"

"You know," she began, "like your Scooby-Doo slippers, your 'Hug Me' t-shirt, and then there are these blueprints your drew up of ideas to get Dr. Cox to see you in the 'Hug Me' t-shirt-"

"Thank you, Julie," JD cut her off, glancing down the halls to see if his mentor heard about his brilliant idea.

"Yeah, so...," Julie trailed off and they stood awkwardly for a moment.

"Look, Julie, I really am sorry about this," JD told her, fidgeting with the box in his arms.

Julie simply nodded and looked at the floor. "Yeah. I just really thought that we had something special."

"We did! Julie, I-"

"Goodbye JD." And she turned and left. JD watched her walk down the long hallway and stumble as she turned the corner.

JD sighed and turned away too quickly and slipped, sending the contents of the box flying through the air.

God, we were perfect for each other.

"Wet floor," the janitor said nonchalantly above him as he mopped away some of JD's possessions.

Sighing again, JD remained laying on the floor for a few minutes, waiting for his butt to stop aching from the fall: it was probably bruised. He wondered whether he would ever find someone as compatible with him as Julie was. Was the perfect woman really out there? Beautiful and nerdy and clumsy - what kind of idiot would let that go?

JD rubbed his hands across his face and sighed. Now was not the time to wallow; last night had been wallow-time. But he felt his eyes tearing up anyway.

"Oh, you've got to explain this one, Clarissa. Sleeping on the job? And right in front of my patient's room noless; very professional. What the hell is this?" JD heard paper crumpling and shot up from the floor.

"It's nothing," JD explained quickly, plucking the blueprints out of Dr. Cox's hands. "I'm thinking about being an architect."

"Really, because that looked an awful lot like my apartment."

JD giggled nervously. "So Dr. Cox, any big cases today for the 'ol dynamite duo?" JD asked, changing the subject by pissing him off; worked every time.

Dr. Cox feigned surprise. "No. No. No, Hannah, because the dynamite duo died when Black Spy slept with White Spy's wife and the bloodbath really began; but you, however, have puh-lenty of big cases because I'm going to go ahead and sign over half of my charts to you. Do you know why?" JD shook his head, lowering his eyes. "Jude because you look extra meek today. Newbie, not that you don't always have that 'come hither and beat the crap out of me' look about you,but today, it's just extra lady-like: I can hardly believe you didn't curtsy when I came over here. And...Newbie, have you been crying?"

JD's eyes widened and he patted down his cheeks in search of moisture. There was none, but his eyes may still have been puffy from earlier.

He opened his mouth to spout off an excuse when Dr. Cox interrupted him. "Nope! Don't want to know. I don't want to know, Maribelle, I really don't." And Dr. Cox hefted half a dozen charts into JD's arms and walked off, mumbling to himself.

"I totally got the 'Clarrissa Explains it All' reference!" JD called after him down the hall. "I miss that show."


	2. Human Comfort

JD worked hard throughout the day in order to keep his mind off of Julie. He kept up with his patient-load as well as the six patients transferred to him from Dr. Cox, and when he didn't have anything to do, he sat with some of his friendlier patients. It was always nice to converse with someone who didn't know him and wouldn't judge him.

He had a late lunch, which for some reason coincided with Dr. Cox's lunch. When his mentor saw him a few feet behind him in line, he came up and gave him another degrading lecture on stalking. It was in public, and it stung, but JD shrugged it off like he always did and didn't even try to sit with Dr. Cox. He ate his lunch alone.

As much as Dr. Cox's words bit into him, his actions spoke even louder; he'd walked over to talk to him, and a big part of JD was just glad for the attention.

During the second half of his 12-hour shift, JD began to notice that whenever he walked by the nurse's station, one or more of his friends was quickly walking away from it, including Carla. At first, JD just assumed that they were in a hurry for a patient, but the fourth time it happened he knew something was up. JD caught up with Turk just as he was rounding the corner.

"Hey, what's up T-dog?" JD asked casually, hoping Turk really was just in a hurry for surgery.

"Hey, JD," Turk replied, wincing. JD's heart sank.

But he put on his best happy-face and asked, "Where've you been all day, man? I haven't seen Elliot or Carla either." He knew he probably sounded pathetic, but he really needed some reassurance that his friends were there for him.

Turk responded by wearing what JD well-knew was his lying face: head down, eyes wide and avoiding contact. "Well, you know, I've had some crazy tough surgeries today, and Carla and Elliot both have full patient loads, so we're just all really busy."

JD stared at him, incredulous. "Turk, I have a full patient load plus six from Dr. Cox, and I've still had time to wander by often enough to see everyone scurrying away from me. Are you guys avoiding me?"

"Okay," Turk reluctantly admitted, "so we've been on Operation JD Dodge, but can you really blame us? Every time you get out of a relationship like this you mope around and whine to us about it for weeks." JD tried to blink away his surprise; he hadn't actually expected them to be avoiding him. But as harsh as his words were, Turk's expression and voice were filled only with kindness and understanding. It only made it hurt more.

"Look, man," Turk continued, "you know I'm there for you when times get tough. Always. But in the end Julie's just another girl, and you'll get over her too." The meaningful look in Turk's eyes added, 'without me.' He patted JD on the shoulder, giving him a reassuring smile, then turned and walked away. JD watched him go, partially stunned.

The shame that JD felt at realizing how much he annoyed his friends was overwhelmed by the loneliness that cut through him as Turk moved out of sight. So much for the support of friends, he thought.

He went over what Turk had said as he headed for his next patient's room. He barely noticed the pitying looks he was getting from the nurse's station (not even the one chuckling scoff). JD had always relied on his friends to listen to him and be there for him when he was down; but from what Turk had said, that no longer included broken hearts.

JD shook his head, attempting to force himself into a cheerier disposition. It didn't quite work, and his energetic greeting fell flat on his newest transplant patient. In the end, he relied on his fallback: work so hard that it's all he can think about.

It never failed. By the time his shift ended at 9 p.m., JD was back to his old self, if exhausted. There was nothing better to block out bad thoughts than one excruciatingly difficult diagnosis after another. Of course, after JD had figured out those two, he managed to fit in a game of chess with his elderly lung cancer patient, Mrs. Barsol (who JD called 'Mrs. Bar-of-Soap', in his head: he loved the smell of old people).

But hours later as he sat in the locker room gathering his things to go home, he began to dread the idea of returning to the apartment. Carla and Turk had left at six; how awkward would it be if they were there, watching TV or something? Would they leave to avoid JD's 'whining'? The thought made JD queasy, so he was sure that he didn't want to return home. Of course, he didn't want to spend the night at the hospital either; he'd probably get roped into working another 12-hour shift.

The door to the locker room suddenly swung open, and Dr. Cox strolled in, removing his white coat on his way to his locker.

Dare I?, JD asked himself.

Deciding that he was desperate enough to make the attempt, JD loudly cleared his throat (causing Dr. Cox to groan in annoyance), and quickly asked, "Hey, Dr. Cox, do you want to go out and grab a beer or something?"

Cox slammed his locker open and replied as he removed his things, never looked JD's way, "Newbie, don't think I don't know what you're trying to do, because even if I hadn't seen Gandhi blow you off for being a crybaby earlier, I sure as hell would have heard about it by now thanks to Laverne's new system of gossip tunnels running through the walls, so no, Gwen, my answer is no, I do not want to listen to you sobbingly explain in detail exactly why your ex-boyfriend was so perfect – perfect hair, perfect eyes, perfect chiseled abs – and exactly what you did to screw it up." He slammed his locker closed and turned to JD. "And, I don't know, maybe instead of just keeping that little tirade as 'today's answer' we could keep it in our memory banks filed under 'default answer', so that if you ever, for some insane reason, feel like asking me again, you've already got the answer right there, saving us both the trouble. No, Newbie, I will not go out with you. Not today, not ever." He turned and walked away.

Okay, so my mentor hates me, JD summarized later as he rode his scooter aimlessly around town. My friends don't want to be around me, and I just broke it off with my ideal woman. I can deal with this. I don't need their help; I don't need anyone's help.

Thirty minutes later, JD was standing outside of Daniel's apartment with two six-packs – one of beer, that other ginger-ale - debating with himself about whether or not he should knock on the door.

Okay, so I can't deal with it by myself. All he wanted was someone to hang out with, was that too much to ask? So JD took a deep breath, hoping that he wouldn't annoy Daniel too much, and knocked. Daniel answered moments later, and his face lit up with he saw JD.

"Hey, Johnny!" he greeted him, not noticing when JD winced. I told him my name was Johnny?

"Hey Daniel. Sorry if I came at a bad time." He gestured to the ginger-ale. "Just wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight?" He decided to leave out the fact that he was desperate for human contact.

Daniel smiled. "Actually, I could really use some company."

JD smiled back and entered the apartment. It looked a lot like his and Turk's place, except it only had one bedroom as far as JD could tell. It was a bit smaller. Daniel took the six-packs from JD and they both sat on the sofa at one side of the room.

"I was just about to watch SAW III," Daniel told him. "Are you interested?"

JD grimaced on the inside; scary movies were not his thing, especially gory ones. But Daniel seemed pretty excited about it, so he put his happy-face back on and nodded. "Sure!"

So Daniel put in the DVD and settled on the couch right next to JD. Even as the credits started, the music told JD that he didn't want to see this movie. Especially not with someone who wasn't used to him watching gore movies from behind the couch so that he could duck behind it when it got to bad. Turk would understand and tell him when the bad parts were over.

JD took a deep breath as the movie began. How weird would it look if he just covered his eyes once in a while? he wondered. Probably pretty weird.

JD glanced over at Daniel a couple of times; he was drinking a ginger-ale and watching the movie with mild interest, even when a scream cut through the background music, causing JD to whip his head around to the screen. It was covered in a mess of blood and skin. JD squeezed his eyes shut. This is going to take some work, he thought, and grabbed blindly for a beer.

By the time the movie was over, JD had consumed four beers and was quite buzzed. He was curled up on the couch and had taken to unabashedly hiding his face in Daniel's shoulder when it looked like something bad would happen. He noticed Daniel's amused looks whenever he did this, but ignored them; nothing would make him keep his eyes on that screen.

Finally, the credits were rolling, scary music and all, and Daniel turned off the DVD player. Will & Grace was on TV.

JD looked up to see Daniel standing in front of him smirking down at him. "Do you not like scary movies, or are you just really drunk?" he asked.

JD attempted to look affronted. "I'm not drunk!" he said, surprised at how loud his voice was. "I'm just a bit tipsy, that's all." He nodded his head down to his hands, which were caressing his own chest. "I get handsy," he explained.

Daniel chuckled and sat back down next to him. "I have to admit, I appreciate the physical contact anyway," he said, almost to himself.

JD thought that was an odd thing to say. "Why?" he wondered out loud.

Scooting over so that their thighs were touching, Daniel replied, "I guess I've just been lonely lately. I only moved here six months ago, and I don't really know anyone yet. I don't have friends or family or anyone to really talk to here, you know?"

"Yeah," JD sighed. "I know. My friends don't want to talk to me because they say I'm too whiney."

"Really? They won't talk to you?"

"Well, just since I broke up with my girlfriend," JD clarified. "My best friend Turk told me that I get too whiney after I screw up relationships."

Daniel nodded solemnly. "I'm sorry. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always come over here," he offered.

JD smiled. "Really? Jeez, you're so nice to me."

Daniel just looked confused and concerned. "I'm just doing what any good friend would do. It's horrible that they would abandon you like that, just because you need some help."

"That's what I thought!" JD agreed. "But, I mean, they're all busy working at the hospital, so it's not like they have time to focus everything on me."

"It doesn't take more than a few minutes to listen to someone talk."

JD shrugged. "Plus, this kind of happens a lot. I'm really great at messing up relationships, and of course it's always painful. But this time, I think I was really in love with her. Why can't they see that? She wasn't just another girl, she was special."

Daniel nodded reassuringly. "It takes time to get over someone like that. And friends." He put his arm around JD's shoulders. "Sounds like we could both use a friend."

JD smiled. "Yeah, guess so." They settled into a comfortable silence until JD realized how close they were; Daniel was pressed against the entire side of his body.

Before he could say anything about it, Daniel began speaking again. "This may sound crazy, but have you every drunkenly kissed a friend by accident?"

JD's head immediately went to his incident with Carla. "Actually, my friend and I once did that and the next mor—" He was cut off when Daniel's lips crashed into his. After his shock cleared, all JD could think of was the fact that someone was kissing him, and he began kissing back. When he realized who that someone was, he pushed him again.

"You kissed me!" JD squealed, panicked.

Daniel bit his lip and feigned innocence. "It was an accidental drunken kiss," he explained.

JD hesitated and almost nodded. "Wait, that doesn't count because you're not drunk!"

"But you are?" Daniel asked, looking sly.

"No, I'm just tipsy, I told you! Neither of us is drunk, that doesn't count!"

Daniel sighed. "I'm sorry, Johnny. I guess I've just been pretty lonely lately."

"Yeah, I understand," JD said cautiously. "But you kissed me."

"Well," Daniel breathed out, exasperated. "Haven't you ever just been so desperate for human contact that you latch on to anything near you? I physically miss people. And the contact felt good. It was a nice kiss, wasn't it?"

JD hadn't really thought about whether it was good or not. He supposed that it had felt nice. "It was okay," he finally agreed.

Daniel nodded encouragingly. "I just figured that since we're friends now, and we're looking out for one another, we can do things like this to help one another."

"Kissing?" JD made a face.

"It helps me deal with my situation. You may have your own way of doing things, but this is my way," he explained, inching closer again. "Come one, it'll be fun."

It didn't seem right to JD, but he knew what it felt like to have no one there for him. So he allowed Daniel to kiss him again and relaxed into it. It felt pretty good, but JD had to wonder how much of that was the alcohol.

If Dr. Cox could see me now…


	3. Raising a Hand

When JD's alarm went off at 8 a.m. the next morning, his mind immediately reverted to thoughts of the night before; the night he'd spent making out with another man. It was the kind of thing that pretty much made sense at the time, but caused more than a little panic eight hours later. Which was why JD immediately jumped in the shower, feeling really gross. He opened his mouth into the stream, allowing the warm water to run over his teeth and lips. Blegh, he thought. I'm never drinking again.

It was sort of his default solution to waking up after doing anything stupid: It's no big deal, I was drunk. But in the back of his mind, something was prodding at JD, trying to get him to admit that he hadn't been drunk. Not at all. He'd been buzzed at best, comfortable enough to go along with Daniel when he'd kissed him, but certainly lucid enough to stop it at any time. It was easier to pretend he'd been drunk.

After dressing and doing his hair, JD wandered out of his room to see Carla sitting in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee.

"'Morning, JD," she greeted him, not even smiling. JD instantly thought of his conversation with Turk and expected the worse from her.

"Good morning, Carla, how are you?" he asked, deciding to show her that he could hold a conversation without mentioning Julie.

Oh great, now he was thinking about Julie. Her flowing hair, her bright eyes and adorable smile.

He snapped back to reality when Carla began talking.

"JD, Turk told me that he talked to you yesterday," she informed him, setting down her coffee. "I'm sorry that he was so harsh with you; none of us meant to hurt your feelings."

JD nodded, but wasn't sure how to reply.

Carla continued, "You really need to understand that it's not that we don't care about you, okay? We just all have a lot on our minds. Turk and I are trying to have a baby and Elliot spends all of her time trying to maintain her control over her relationship with Keith." (I hate Keith, JD added in his head). "We're all in stressful situations, but we're all working our way out of them on our own. You see?"

JD scrunched his nose at her. "Uh, no, Carla. You're dealing with your situation with Turk, and Elliot has Keith, while I, like an idiot, just got rid of my only chance at a happy life. There's quite a difference." She rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to reply. "No," JD cut her off, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. "Don't even worry about it, Carla. I made a new friend, so I'll just whine to him from now on."

Carla looked at him skeptically. "You made a new friend?"

"That's right," JD confirmed. "Daniel. I met him in a bar a couple of nights ago and he's been really nice and sympathetic to my problems."

"You met him in a bar?" Now she looked concerned.

"Yup, so you don't have to worry about me complaining to you guys anymore; Daniel's got it covered. He's a real friend." He smiled triumphantly and turned to leave the apartment.

"Bambi, you're never going to learn how to deal with things like this on your own if you keep running to whoever will listen," Carla explained, sounding exhasperated.

"Look, we all deal with problems in different ways, right?" JD asked, recalling Daniel's words the night before. "This is my way." He left the apartment before she could respond.

JD expected to feel better about everything after that; he'd proven to Carla not only that he could stand up for himself, but that he didn't need to run to his friends when something was wrong. But for some reason, as JD pulled Sasha up to the hospital entrance he only felt worse. There was a burning loneliness in the pit of his stomach, and no matter how much he told himself that he had a new friend who would listen to him and be there for him, he couldn't help wishing that his old friends were there for him too. He couldn't help missing watching TV with Turk, shopping with Carla, and painting Elliot's toenails, even the one with the giant calluses. Why couldn't it feel the same way with Daniel? Maybe he just had to get to know him better...

JD worked hard again that day, trying to ignore the fact that Turk and Elliot were in the hospital with him; in fact, he made a point to avoid them the same way they had avoided him yesterday. He walked away whenever they were in the area, and made sure that he ate his lunch late again. It worked like a charm. By 3 o'clock, JD spotted Turk giving him anxious glances whenever he walked by one of his patients' rooms. Turk felt guilty, JD could tell. But JD was disappointed when Turk still never approached him, still kept his distance. It hurt.

So when JD finally shuffled out of the hospital that night, he felt more exhausted than normal: working so hard had taken its toll on his body, and thinking about Turk and Elliot and Carla (and trying not to think about Julie) had taken its toll on his mind. He just felt like collapsing. Into a pair of open arms. He parked Sasha in front of Daniel's apartment for the second night in a row.

Daniel was home again, and it appeared as though he'd been waiting for JD to arrive; his apartment was spotless, and there was a beer and a ginger-ale sitting on the coffee table next to a DVD.

"How was work?" Daniel asked when they'd sat down. JD smiled; now this was more like it. He was being treated like a family member instead of an enemy. He relaxed into the couch and told Daniel about avoiding Turk and Elliot, and Turk's guilt-ridden looks. Daniel listened quietly and comforted JD when he could tell (and he could always tell) that something had really hit JD hard. Then he put in a DVD and the night began.

This is the way things went for over a week. JD would wander over every day after work, or after a particularly lonely day; with his friends avoiding him, JD spend his precious free days playing video games in his room or wandering around town alone. When JD arrived at Daniel's apartment, they would talk about their days, watch a movie (often a scary one that had JD chugging down his beers and moving closer to Daniel for safety), and then JD would spill everything; every secret fear, longing, and wish would come pooring out easily after a few beers and the comfort that Daniel offered through his kind words and friendly touches. Then it was Daniel's turn.

JD always felt a bit apprehensive about this part of the night, but after Daniel began kissing him and running his hands through his hair, all of that went away. It wasn't that JD was particularly attracted to Daniel; it was simply that JD could understand how Daniel would find kissing and holding one another comforting, and it helped him as much as it helped his friend. It felt good to be desired and touched, to be close to someone.

By the end of the first week, JD was pretty sure that Daniel was gay because of the way he spoke; whenever Daniel related a story to JD to explain something about relationships, he would use "they" and "their" in place or "him" or "her" for his significant other. It was something that JD had heard many times with his gay friends in college, and even a couple of male nurses at the hospital (who he had later caught in the closet with each other).

Daniel's orientation didn't bother JD, except when Daniel tried to take their make-out sessions a step further. JD always tried to stop it before it got to that point, but sometimes he would lose himself under Daniel's minstrations (he was a great kisser), and suddenly feel Daniel's hand slide up his shirt and lightly caress his stomach, causing him to shiver. So JD would push away. The soft caress on hidden skin, something so simple yet so intimate, always caused JD's stomach to tighten in arousal, and he had to draw the line there. The next morning, he always told himself that it was because he didn't want to lead Daniel on, but it was as much for Daniel as it was for him; JD wasn't sure he would be able to stop himself if he allowed Daniel to continue. It was the combination of being so close to someone and being sex-starved after breaking up with Julie; the emotion and the arousal would become too much for him, and he just had to stop.

Fortunately, Daniel never complained, and he never looked surprised. He moved his hand from JD's stomach to caress his face and apologize for invading his space. JD would just smile and shrug, a little out of breath. It was moments like that that would make him feel like he was crazy later; waking up the next morning only to recall staring into a man's eyes as he caresses him and apologizes for going too far in a make-out session...a lot of mornings it just didn't make sense. But JD always returned, in the evenings, to Daniel's apartment for the kind of comfort he really couldn't get anywhere else.

About two weeks after he broke up with Julie, JD's friends began talking to him again. JD felt like they'd been avoiding him forever. The first thing they did was corner him in the break room and take turns apologizing for avoiding him.

"It's no big deal, guys," JD told them, trying to look sympathetic. Elliot and Turk looked so sad, pleading with their eyes for his forgiveness. Carla had that 'I-feel-bad-for-hurting-you-but-I-hope-you-learned-something' look on her face. JD couldn't stand that look, and he was filled with a mix of anger and hope at the break in the silent-treatment he'd been recieving; he hoped that life could return back to normal now.

"So are you over Julie?" Turk asked as he sat on the couch next to JD. Elliot and Carla left the break room.

JD thought for a moment. He hadn't really thought about Julie much the last few days. It almost made him guilty, how soon he got over her. He still felt pangs of regret when he thought about her, but he didn't feel depressed about it. The loneliness of losing all of his friends probably overode the depression.

"Yeah, I'm over her," he finally replied. Turk grinned at him and patted him on the shoulder.

"Good, because there's a Gilmore Girls marathon on tonight, and you have no idea how much I had to beg Carla to let me start talking to you again today so that I could watch it with you." They both stood. JD felt that stabbing hurt again; it looked like he'd finally lost his battle with Carla: Turk was her's.

JD nodded as they left the room. "Yeah, sounds good." They split up halfway down the hallway, and JD allowed himself to melt at the thought of hanging out with Turk again. God, he missed his best friend. And nothing could be better than a Gilmore Girls marathon with Turk. JD grinned through his next three patients.

"And what exactly are you so happy about, princess?" a familiar voice muttered as JD doodled a picture of him and Turk (as stick figures) watching TV with happy faces, while Carla stood behind them with her arms folded and an angry face. JD began crumpling the paper to hide the evidence from Dr. Cox, before realizing that it was a patient's chart. He carefully uncrumpled it and turned to face his mentor, who was filling something out next to him at the nurse's station.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Cox. Your hair is looking especially boing-able today," JD greeted him, grin still in place.

Cox sighed. "Why do I bother to engage you?" he asked, mostly to himself, then stopped writing and turned to JD. "First of all, never use the word 'boing' in my prescense, especially when referring to me. Second, I need you to be on-call tomorrow night to help me with research for a case of herpangina."

JD's face lit up even more. "You want me to help?" JD practically squealed.

Dr. Cox grimaced. "I'm afraid so, Amanda. The only other fourth-year residents available are either already working or Barbie, so you see?" He sighed. "My hands are tied. Just be ready to get down to work by 10 and, for God's sake, you've got to stop looking at me like that. It's freaking me right out. It really is."

JD realized that he was now practically cooing at the older doctor, his eyes tearing up and his hands together as if in prayer. He quickly lowered his hands and tried to clear his face.

"I won't let you down, Dr. Cox!" he reassured, attempting to look serious. He refused to let it bother him when Dr. Cox moaned and began banging his head against the counter.

What a great day, JD decided as he walked away.

The next two days were even better.

JD spent all that night hanging out with Turk. They watched six hours of Gilmore Girls, giggling and commenting all the way up until the marathon ended at four in the morning. They were both exhausted when they got up for work the next morning, but JD also felt exhilerated, renewed, after spending so much time with his best friend. Things were beginning to feel normal again.

Work that day went by slowly, especially with JD anticipating working overnight with Dr. Cox; he loved watching his mentor work, and to know that he was helping his favorite doctor, especially when Dr. Cox was the one who asked him to help, was incredibly invigorating. He bounced from patient to patient all day, chatting up a storm (mostly about either Gilmore Girls, which was still stuck in his head, or how great Dr. Cox was). Finally, his first twelve-hour shift ended, and he had an hour before he had to meet Dr. Cox. Normally, this would be time for a good nap, but JD was still too hyped up. None of his friends were on-call, so he finally just went to the breakroom and watched TV.

Sometime during The Simpsons, JD thought about Daniel...well, it was more like the entire idea of Daniel swung and hit JD in the face. He had showed up at Daniel's apartment every night for the past two weeks straight, except last night and tonight. Would Daniel have been waiting for him? Would be think that JD was hurt or sick? Or abandoning him? JD was filled with guilt; how could he have forgotten his new friend?

10 o'clock finally rolled around and JD was forced to push these thoughts aside, along with the thick guilt lining his stomach. He allowed himself to become excited again about working closely with Dr. Cox on a project, and being able to watch him work without being yelled at; it was a rare opportunity, and JD knew it. Anyone would have known it.

Of course, eight hours later, JD emerged from the hospital a withered mass of man. He was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. Not taking advantage of nap-time really wore down his body, and working on the difficult herpangina case while simultaneously being constantly berated and abused by Dr. Cox had smashed up his mind and heart. He rode Sasha home and collapsed into his bed.

When JD woke the next morning (glad that he didn't have to work that day), he smelled pancakes. Not just any pancakes; Turk's special chocolate chip blueberry pancakes. JD figured that Turk must still feel guilty about avoiding him for two weeks, because it was tough for Turk to make his special chocolate chip blueberry pancakes: because of his diabetes, Turk wasn't allowed to eat them. But once in a while, when JD felt really bad (or Turk felt really guilty), he'd whip up a batch and watch as JD ate them all. What a great way to wake up.

"Chocolate Bear, you shouldn't have," JD cooed when he exited his room. Turk grinned at him from behind the kitchen island, sporting a pink, foofy apron.

"Anything for my Vanilla Bear after a long night of researching with the devil," Turk replied, ignoring JD's feigned looked of admonition at calling Dr. Cox anything but a genius. "I don't know why you take that from him anyway, man," Turk continued as he piled the pancakes onto JD's plate. "He's always an asshole to you, but you just keep up taking it."

JD shook his head, even as he stared at the pancakes and licked his lips. "You just don't know him like I do, Turk. He's really a big softie on the inside." He took the maple syrup when Turk offered it and coated his plate with the sticky topping. "Besides, he's the best doctor in the hospital, so I can learn a lot from him."

Turk passed him a fork and JD dug into his pancakes; it was sunshine and rainbows in his mouth. "Oh, I don't doubt that he's a great doctor. I'm just saying that he treats you like dirt. You could learn plenty from Dr. Beardface, too, and he'll buy you candy bracelets and call you 'son'." He became thoughtful. "I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm his grandson. He bought me a Red Sox cap and tried to ruffle my hair."

JD wrinkled his nose at Turk's bald head. "Don't worry about Dr. Cox. He's fine. I'm used to it anyway," JD replied after maneurvering the mushy pancakes just so in his mouth so that he could form words. Turk just shrugged.

"We're both off today," Turk told him after a moment. There was a mischevious grin planted on his face. "We can do whatever we want." JD paused in his chewing and grinned back.

Thirty minutes later, they had JD's old Super Nintendo dug out of his closet and in the living room. They played every level of Super Mario Bros. over and over again until they beat it (neither had ever been good at the game). Then they went through Kirby, Donkey Kong, and finally Street Fighter until their eyes felt like they would explode. They had the Super Nintendo shoved back in the closet just before Carla walked in the door at nine-thirty.

"Welcome home, baby," Turk greeted her. Carla threw her keys down on the counter, and Turk and JD shook hands while she wasn't looking. It had been a successful day.

All three were just getting cozy on the couch, Carla and Turk in their own little world of baby-talk and kissing, when JD realized where he would normally be at that time of night. The guilt at abandoning Daniel returned, and he decided to pay his new friend a visit to apologize. Maybe he could bring Daniel back to his place so that they could all hang out together. JD said goodbye to Turk and Carla, ignoring their curious gazes, and left his apartment.

As he rode Sasha through town, he realized that he couldn't bring Daniel back to the apartment; JD, Turk, and Carla all had to work early tomorrow and Carla certainly wouldn't appreciate that distraction from sleep. They'd meet eventually, JD figured, but not tonight.

When Daniel opened his door and saw JD, his face transformed from its usual friendly appraising look to one of hurt and anger. "Johnny," he said with a withering glare. He moved back to allow JD to enter.

"I know I haven't been here the past few days," JD began, "but my friends decided to start talking to me again yesterday, so I hung out with Turk Thursday night, and last night Dr. Cox asked me to help him with-" he was cut off by a large THWAP, and his head swung to the right. Bright white pain shot through his cheek and he didn't move for a moment, shocked at what had just happened.

JD finally raised his hand to his cheek and flexed his jaw; his skin felt like it was on fire. He raised his eyes and met Daniel's to see fury burning inside of them.

"Why would you just stop showing up, Johnny? Why?" Daniel demanded. JD had still been partially in shock, but Daniel's pain-filled voice pulled him back to reality. "We were helping each other, weren't we? I listened to anything you had to say about Julie, your friends, your co-workers, everyone and everything. Every problem in your life, I listened to it and tried to help you with it. Then you just leave and never come back!" JD felt more confused than he ever had before; Daniel sounded so sad, so pained, but his face didn't emit sadness, only rage. JD wasn't sure how to take it. "You of all people should know what it feels like to be abandoned, Johnny."

JD lowered his hand from his cheek. He ignored the stinging and searched Daniel's face; he felt like he needed to know what was really going on. There was only anger in his face.

"I'm sorry," JD said quietly. His friends words had finally hit him. JD did know what it was like to be abandoned, and he had done the same thing to Daniel. JD still had his other friends, while Daniel had no one. "I didn't mean to make you angry," JD pleaded, trying to calm him down. "It was really selfish of me to not let you know what was going on. I'm sorry, okay?"

Finally, the sadness that had radiated in Daniel's voice showed in his expression. His anger melted into relief and guilt as he stepped closer to JD.

"I'm sorry, too," Daniel said. "I'm sorry I freaked out like that. It's just really tough being alone."

JD nodded. "I know."

Daniel reached up and touched JD's cheek; his cold hand felt good on the hot flesh. "I'm sorry that I hit you."

JD shrugged. "Don't worry about it. No big deal."

Daniel smiled, completely calmed. "I'll make it up to you," he promised, and leaned in to give JD a deep, lingering kiss.


	4. Too Much

JD was shocked the next morning when, still half asleep, he saw in the mirror the light green bruise across his left cheek bone. He tenderly prodded it and hissed; it was still sore. Wow, he thought. Daniel was really upset. He'd never been slapped hard enough for it to leave a mark before. It looked gross.

He sighed and got ready for work. He was grateful that both Carla and Turk were at already at the hospital; he didn't want to have to explain himself before he had time to come up with a good excuse. JD remembered how Carla had looked at him when he told her that he met his new friend at a bar. She was concerned, even then, that he couldn't take care of himself. She would only freak out more if she saw the bruise. She would blow everything way out of proportion and probably never let JD out of her sight. Then again, JD considered, that way she'd feel guilty about forcing all of my friends to abandon me for two weeks.

He shook his head. That was petty. Truthfully, JD just wanted to forget about those two weeks. The embarrassment, the loneliness...he probably spoke more often to Dr. Cox than he did to Carla, Turk, and Elliot combined. He just wanted to push it all to the back of his mind and forget about it.

Well, except for the parts with Daniel, of course. He could admit that they shared a strange relationship, but it was functional. He enjoyed the time he spent with Daniel; it was relaxing, a sort of group therapy where he was comfortable enough to say anything. Daniel's outburst yesterday had really confused him; but, after an unusually…indelicate…make-out session, Daniel seemed to go back to normal. They talked for a while, and JD promised to come over at least every other day. He'd even tried to convince Daniel to come to his apartment and meet his friends, but Daniel didn't really seem interested. He simply said that they wouldn't understand they're relationship, which was true. JD really didn't want what he was doing to get out.

Despite this, JD was becoming more accustomed to the relationship; instead of waking up and blaming the previous night on his drinks (whether he had one or four), he could shrug off his actions as strange but completely of his own will. He was the one who met Daniel's tongue in his mouth with his own, not the alcohol. It no longer made him panic or feel gross; in fact, he always felt refreshed the next day at knowing that there was someone out there who knew all of his secrets and with whom he felt comfortable enough to let down his defenses. It was very reassuring.

So JD strolled into work that morning, the bruise across his cheek bone completely forgotten.

Work that day was glorious. He didn't see Elliot because she had the day off, but every time he saw Turk in the hallway he grinned and made a stupid joke just to see Turk react, smile back and giggle with him. Every time he stopped at the nurse's station Carla asked him how he was and talked about her and Turk trying new things to conceive: information which JD could probably have done without, but he listened anyway, just happy to be talked to. After two weeks of silence it was thrilling to be able to communicate with his friends again. Even the anger at being avoided in the first place had almost completely faded away. Things really were going back to normal.

Around one, Turk and Carla invited JD to eat lunch with them at the coffee shop across the street from the hospital.

Yes! JD thought. We even get to go out and hang out! It was heaven.

Only moments after they exited the building into the bright sunlight, Carla gasped and grabbed JD by the shoulders.

"What is that?" she demanded of a stunned JD.

"Huh?"

Turk looked just as confused, then he smirked. "Baby, that's just JD's nose. It's always been like that."

JD shot him a hurt look. "Hey, I like my nose."

"No that," Carla said angrily, and pointed at JD's left cheek. "What is that bruise? How did you get a bruise? What happened? I don't remember you having that yesterday."

"Oh." JD grimaced. Here we go… "It's nothing," he assured her. How to word this… "I got into a little argument—"

"What?" Carla demanded again, her voice rising. "Someone just punched you in the face? Were you out at the bar again?"

"Uh…." Okay, that wasn't going to work. He stumbled through a new excuse, "I actually got into an argument with Rowdy and he tripped me and I fell into the wall."

Turk nodded behind Carla. "That dog can be so petty sometimes." JD nodded with him.

Carla scoffed and let go of JD. They all began walking again. "You know," Carla began, "if you guys would stop leaving that thing all over the place, you wouldn't be tripping over him."

"Oh, Carla. You're so wise." JD gave her a big smile and huggled her arm. Carla just rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help but smile.

Behind Carla's back, JD and Turk gave each other the thumbs up; Carla had referred to Rowdy as 'him'! It was a step in the right direction.

A couple of hours after lunch, when JD had once again completely forgotten about the bruise across his cheek, Dr. Cox suddenly popped up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder, causing JD, who had been deeply mesmerized by Mrs. Barsol's chart, to jump and squeak.

"Well good morning there, Newbie. I've been trying to get your attention for the past few minutes and despite my mounting rage you continue to ignore me." There was a tight grin on his twitching face.

JD instinctively took a step back. "I'm sorry Dr. Cox, I'm just trying to figure out what to do with Mrs. Barsol. The chemo didn't seem to work at all, her stats are all dropp—"

"That's great news, Stephanie. Now if you could just focus on me long enough for me to berate you, sign over half my patients to you, and send you on your way, well, that would just be super dandy."

"Dr. Cox, I can't take half your patients, I've really got to figure this—"

"Oh calm down, Newbie, I just need you to look after a couple of comatose patients while I head home for what Jordan has deemed a 'moose tracks emergency'". He laughed humorlessly, most of his anger faded. "And, God help me, it's only been four hours since I last saw her and Jack so I'm due for some fresh humiliation any minute now." He looked back up at JD, smile gone, and slammed two charts down on the nurse's station. "I split the rest of my patients among the actual doctors so that I don't have to worry about you killing anyone."

He turned to go and JD took the opportunity to roll his eyes.

Cox turned back a few feet away. "Oh, and Newbie?"

JD's eyes widened. Had he seen the eye roll?

"Yes, Dr. Cox?" he replied with as much kiss-ass respect as he could muster.

"I thought you broke up with your boyfriend?" JD just gave him a confused look. "Looks like he's still at it." He tapped his own cheek and smirked.

JD felt his face go red. "I tripped!" he shouted to Dr. Cox's retreating back.

Cox just turned and chanted "perfect hair, perfect eyes, and a slight anger problem," as he sauntered down the hall. JD blushed even harder.

Determined to ignore his mentor's taunting, JD quickly glanced over the comatose patients' charts; they were both stable. He was actually surprised that Dr. Cox hadn't given him half his patients like he said he would; it was almost a kind gesture. Almost. Cox had actually seemed stressed out and a little tired. Maybe he just didn't have the energy to really screw over JD's day.

Maybe tomorrow, JD decided.

Despite being thrilled at getting to speak with his friends and Dr. Cox little gesture of almost-kindness, JD still ended up having a bad day. In the end, there were really no other options for Mrs. Barsol, and he was forced to break the news to her that she was going to die. Just like that. JD had been playing games and talking with her for months, but it would be over soon. He didn't think he'd ever get used to this.

Elliot was changing into her scrubs as JD entered the locker room to get ready to go home.

"I heard you got a nasty bruise," Elliot told him, looking interested.

JD shook his head as he pulled his things out of his locker. "It's not that bad. I just tripped over Rowdy."

Elliot, completely dressed and ready for work, took his chin in her hands and inspected his face. "Yeah, it's not that bad. It's actually kind of hard to see."

"Apparently, it's easier in the daylight."

She let go of his face and stuffed her backpack into her locker. "You know, you should tell people you got into a fight or something. Tripping over a stuffed dog really isn't that impressive."

JD smiled at her. "Would you be impressed if I got into a bar fight?" Or slapped by the guy I've been making out with for the past two weeks?

Elliot shrugged. "Maybe. Hey, we should do something tomorrow, we haven't done anything together in ages."

"Definitely," he agreed. "I'm free tomorrow night." JD figured that he could see Daniel tonight so that he could spend tomorrow night with Elliot.

"Sounds great!" She had such a pretty smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

JD walked by Mrs. Barsol's room on his way out of the hospital and happened to glance in to see the elderly woman moving chess pieces across a board all by herself. He suddenly felt sick, knowing that she was going to die soon and she was all alone. So, taking a deep breath, JD entered the room and played a few games of chess with her. They talked about little things like what was on television and by the end of their third game, Mrs. Barsol was smiling and laughing. JD left the hospital thinking that he should have felt happier since he'd made her smile and feel less alone, but it all just made him sadder that she had to die.

JD arrived at Daniel's house at around ten p.m., about an hour later than he normally arrived. Daniel casually mentioned the time, and asked that JD try to be more consistent with his timing.

"Sure," was all JD said in reply, still feeling down from work.

They watched Hostel, and JD drank more than normal, mostly due to being unable to lose himself in the story line; he ended up still being sad about Mrs. Barsol while being terrified of getting cut up because he was American at the same time. By the end of the movie he had his arm wrapped around Daniel's.

"I am never visiting Eastern Europe," JD announced when Daniel turned off the DVD player.

Daniel chuckled. "The movie obviously wasn't made by the Office of Tourism," he replied, smirking. "But it certainly shines some light on the perception of Americans by other nations."

"Was that what that was all about?" JD asked, his words slightly slurred. "I thought it was just a gore movie."

Daniel smiled at him and leaned in close to his face so that JD could feel his breath on his lips. "Yeah, it was just a gore movie." He closed the distance and kissed him lightly and moved away.

JD was pretty sure that he wasn't just tipsy; he was pretty drunk by this point, and that light airy kiss had felt extra extra good. And when Daniel cozied up to him on the couch, JD melted into his warmth, completely relaxed.

"So why'd you drink so much today?" Daniel asked casually. JD smiled; Daniel was so perceptive, he always knew when something was wrong.

JD told him about Mrs. Barsol (accidentally referring to her as Mrs. Bar-of-Soap several times).

"Even though everything else was going great today, like Dr. Cox not being too mean to me, and Carla and Turk and Elliot all talking to me, nothing could really make up for it, you know? And I had to tell her myself, to her face, that she was going to die and I was going to sit by and watch it happen."

"Wow," Daniel commented when JD broke off. "I can't imagine having to deal with things like that on a regular basis. How do you manage it?"

"I don't know." JD took another drink of his sixth beer. "I don't really have a choice; I just have to get over it. That's what Dr. Cox would say, that's what Kelso would say. Just move on and pretend that she never existed? Pretend that all of my patients are going to live because I'm a good doctor and I'm doing my best, even though that might not have anything to do with it. It's just hard."

"Yeah." Daniel was stroking the back of JD's neck, almost massaging it. It felt good.

"And I think there's something wrong with Dr. Cox," JD continued. "He has always tired. His rants are still annoying, but like today he could have left me with an extra six patients to deal with but he just gave me a couple of comatose patients. He's probably just stressed out. He has a kid now, you know, who's always running around and probably pooping on things. That's what kids do, right? I've never had one."

"This Dr. Cox sounds like kind of a jerk," Daniel broke in.

JD laughed. "Uh, yeah. But he's also an amazing doctor, a great mentor, and he has the body of Adonis." He added in his head: The lucky bastard.

Daniel looked shocked. "You like this Dr. Cox?"

"Sure, he's…really caring on the inside…I'm pretty sure."

"Johnny," Daniel began, appearing unsure of himself. "You don't do any of this stuff with Dr. Cox, do you?"

JD scoffed. "God, no! He refuses to go out with me, and I don't think he likes horror films. He's more of a sports guy…."

"You've asked him out?"

"Yeah," JD admitted, "but he just won't open up to anyone, especially me since apparently I'm too girly."

Daniel sighed in relief. "So he only likes manly men?"

JD turned to look at him, suddenly a little confused. "I guess so. I think he's friends with the janitor."

Daniel smiled at him. "I'm sorry that you had a bad day. Maybe you should just stay away from Dr. Cox. I mean, maybe it's best to just give up on him since he's such an ass about you wanting to start a relationship with him."

JD tried to think about it as hard as he could, but his mind was all fuzzy. "I guess so."

"Good." Daniel leaned in closer and kissed his way down JD's cheek to his neck.

JD moaned. "That's nice," he murmured. He felt Daniel smirk against his neck.

Suddenly Daniel was straddling him, his mouth still paying close attention to his neck. JD leaned back against the couch and let his mind wander away, completely letting himself go to Daniel's touch.

Ten hours later, JD woke up in a familiar situation. He was in a familiar room with a familiar pounding in his head. But when he looked down, he saw an unfamiliar arm stretched across his, for some reason, unclothed stomach. He looked up to see Daniel's sleeping face squished into a pillow next to him.

The familiar feeling of panic crept into JD's system while he began to recall the events of the previous night.

"Oh fuck," breathlessly, was all he could say.


	5. Great Fall

JD sat up, barely noticing the arm slide off his stomach. He stared straight ahead, not wanting to believe the image next to him. His breathing became harder and he realized that he was having a panic attack.

"Okay, okay, okay," he whispered, trying to get himself to calm down. He slid out of the bed and gasped as sharp pain pierced his lower half. His chant changed into "Oh god, oh god, oh god," and he stumbled into the bathroom.

JD whimpered as he inspected the dark purple hickey on his neck and the bite marks running across his shoulders and chest; they certainly made the slight discoloration on his cheek seem like nothing. The thought wasn't very comforting, and JD closed his eyes, leaning against the sink, and just tried to breathe; his lungs felt like they would explode.

"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay," he chanted under his breath. "It's no big deal, you're fine, everything is okay." But inside his head was different: I was drunk, he knew I had too much, he took advantage of me, does this count as rape? Did he rape me? Oh god…. No, there's no way….

He opened his eyes and stared himself down in the mirror. "Calm down," he told himself, taking long deep breaths. "Everything is fine. There is no reason to panic. It's just…it's just sex. Right?"

The door to the bathroom opened and Daniel walked in, completely nude. He looked slightly concerned at JD, who was still breathing like he'd just run a marathon and leaning against the sink trying desperately to cover himself.

"Don't you have work soon?" Daniel asked, walking around JD to use the toilet. JD stared at the open door and pretended that Daniel wasn't using the bathroom right in front of him.

"Yeah," he answered, not knowing what time it was. He fought hard to control his voice, but it came out breathy and high anyway.

"Last night was…wonderful," Daniel said. JD heard him walk up behind him and shivered as his arms circled JD's shoulders. "I've never been with someone so open."

JD didn't know what he meant; some details about the night before were muddled or lost. "I was drunk," he told him in a quiet voice.

Daniel kissed a bite on his shoulder, making him wince. "Yeah, you were pretty messed up, but you were still good," Daniel reassured him.

"You knew I was drunk," JD continued, his voice becoming stronger. "You knew that I was out of it, that I wasn't thinking straight." He shrugged him off and turned around. "How could you do this?"

Daniel looked incredulous. "What are you talking about? So you had a little more to drink than usual, so what? It helped, it made you relax and have fun."

"I'm not gay, Daniel!" JD practically yelled, his voice wavering. "I like girls, I've never even been with a guy before!"

Daniel just shrugged. "Obviously there's a first time for everything." JD felt his throat thicken and tears begin to well up in his eyes. "Look," Daniel continued, his voice raising, "you can't tell me that you didn't enjoy it, because there's obviously evidence of that. And you sure as hell can't tell me that it didn't mean anything to you, because I know you better than that." JD was too shocked to reply. "I know that you have problems with relationships, but ours is perfect," Daniel explained, backing JD further into the bathroom towards the bathtub. "We understand one another the way no one else can; we have a rare gift, Johnny, and I won't let you screw that up!"

"What are you talking about?" JD demanded. "We're friends, Daniel." He knew that his voice wasn't as powerful as he'd meant it to be. Daniel didn't look convinced.

"I can't believe you," Daniel spat maliciously. "You only care about yourself! That's all you ever talk about, all you ever think about. You and your idiot friends who don't even seem to like you! How stupid can you be!"

"They—" Daniel's arms went out, and the next thing JD knew, he was toppling over the side of the tub, the back of his head knocking into the far edge. He looked around dizzily for a moment before realizing that Daniel was towering above him, still talking.

"Don't interrupt me, Johnny, just listen." He began to pace across the bathroom. "They abandon you for weeks just because you're sad. How's that for friendship? Then you're constantly talking about some doctor who is supposed to be so competent and so caring while he hates your guts and insults you every chance he gets! Face it, Johnny, your friends are assholes! They barely like you, and they sure as hell don't understand you; not like I do. I mean, don't we have fun? We watch movies, we talk, we help one another! What more could you possibly want?"

JD stared blankly up at him from his position, sprawled across the edges of the tub.

Daniel sighed. "I have to go to work, and so do you." He looked down at JD's unmoving face and smiled compassionately. "Will you be here tonight?" He frowned when JD didn't answer, and finally lightly kicked JD's dangling foot and stormed out of the bathroom, muttering, "You can be such an asshole sometimes."

JD listened from the tub until he was sure that Daniel had left the apartment. Then he carefully pulled himself to his feet, swaying as he made his way back into the bedroom to find his scrubs from the day before and pulled them on. According to the clock in Daniel's kitchen, he wasn't due at the hospital for another hour, but there was nothing JD wanted more at that moment than to leave. He didn't even bother to take a shower, even though his entire body felt sticky and smelled like sweat and sex...the smell made him nauseous. He ignored it and rode Sasha to Sacred Heart.

JD was still a little dizzy as he approached the nurse's station to get his charts. It wasn't physical, he decided. He was just...shaken. Trapped in his head was an image of Daniel standing over him, yelling...and JD couldn't decide whether he was more upset about sleeping with Daniel, or Daniel's reaction to being rejected. Mostly he just didn't want to think about anything that had happened. That he'd slept with a man...it was just confusing and embarrassing. But, he'd been drunk. It wasn't even an excuse this time; it was true, he'd been completely hammered and taken advantage of...and that made it so much worse.

He couldn't seem to keep his eyes from welling up; he felt betrayed.

Finally, a voice shook JD from his thoughts, and he realized that he'd been leaning against the nurse's station, staring into space for several minutes.

"You're here early, Betty," Dr. Cox said, half-distracted by the chart in his hands. "Finally realized that sleep is overrated? Trust me, I could have told you that." He looked up at JD tiredly and nodded at a stack of five or six charts at the end of the counter. "Those are yours; you can get started aaaaaanytime now."

JD nodded, noting the lack of biting remarks. Dr. Cox was almost talking to him like they were co-workers, maybe even friends. JD allowed himself to feel a little wave of giddiness, before turning to pick up the stack of charts.

"Oh, and Cassandra," Cox continued. It was too much to ask for civility, JD decided, sighing. "You have blood on the back of your scrubs; very attractive" JD turned to look at him, surprised. Dr. Cox seemed to pause, then look up, confused. "How long have you been here?"

Blood?

JD shook his head and chuckled; he knew it sounded really, really fake, but he took the time to come up with an excuse. "I was helping with a surgery earlier," he explained even as he waved and backed down the hallway towards the nearest men's room.

After checking all the stalls for feet and locking the door, JD inspected his head in the mirror, carefully prodding the back with his fingertips. Sure enough, his hair was covered in dried blood, and there was a sensitive lump under his hair. He didn't think about it; he refused to think about it, and instead delicately rinsed his hair and the back of his neck in the bathroom sink until all that remained was a light line of red on the top of his scrubs. Afterwards, a million thoughts raced through his head.

It's not so bad, part of him said. Just a bump, that's all. A tiny nick, not a lot of blood.

Another part of him wondered if his dizziness was actually due to a mild concussion rather than emotional shock. Or a combination of the two.

And what would he tell Dr. Cox if he later realized that JD only arrived two minutes before he saw the blood? How many times a week could he slip and hurt himself?

The latter question made JD snicker; he could fall plenty of times, and Dr. Cox was well aware of that fact. At least he had that going for him.

The questions continued to run through his head as he stared himself down in the mirror for the second time that day. What else would be a problem?

The hickey on his neck was clearly visible; he should have gone home and grabbed a turtle-neck before coming to work. And a shower. There was nothing more JD wanted at that moment than to take a shower and wash away everything that had happened. Why hadn't he taken a shower before coming in to work? He could always take one now, of course; his shift didn't technically start for another half an hour.

And then JD thought of Dr. Cox. What if Dr. Cox got mad at him for not starting work like he'd suggested? What if his mentor had been treating him with less disdain because JD had been working harder? What if Dr. Cox became angry that JD didn't get straight to work? He didn't want to appear ungrateful to Dr. Cox for his kindness. Not that he'd actually been kind...

JD took a deep breath, realizing that he'd been zoned out for a while. And he had to wonder whether it was his normal zoning or the bump on the head.

Deciding to forgo the shower until his lunch break, JD wandered back to the nurse's station and flipped through his charts. If his raised emotional state was anything to go by, today was going to be a long, hard day.

Carla showed up for work a couple of hours later. She took one look at JD's neck and tired eyes before shaking her head. Before he could even say hello, she began, "Oh, no you didn't Bambi. Did you go home with some random girl last night?"

JD opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off.

"You know that's not safe. Oh, don't tell me that you got back together with Danni again, you know that she's no good for you."

"Carla," he finally cut in, "nothing happened last night. I just stayed over with a friend." The hickey, you idiot! his head screamed. Crap.

She looked at him skeptically. "And by friend, I hope you don't mean new failed love interest."

Turk suddenly pulled up next to her. "You gotta 'new failed love interest', JD?" he asked, sounding interested.

JD raised a brow at Carla. "I don't know why she would suddenly jump to that conclusion, but-"

"Maybe because of the huge hickey on your neck and that sad puppy-dog look in your eyes?" Carla explained, giving him that 'caughtcha' look. "You know the rules, Bambi, no talking about ex-girlfriends." She turned her back to him to flip through some paperwork.

Turk looked at him regretfully. "Sorry man. Hope it all works out, though." He hopped down from the counter and wandered down the hall.

JD shrugged to himself; he wasn't going to tell them about what happened anyway, it was too embarrassing. What kind of unmanly man gets drunk and sleeps with his male friend? Plus, getting shoved around wasn't exactly emasculating either. No, he wouldn't tell anyone; it would be better if he could just forget about it, put it behind him.

Speaking of behind him, JD suddenly felt a hand on the back of his head, running through his hair. He hissed and jumped as the hand ran over the sensitive lump, and turned to see Dr. Cox glaring at him.

"I thought so," the older doctor proclaimed, sounding angry. "What's that all about, Lucy? Fall off the top bunk again?" JD gaped at him, unable to gather his thoughts fast enough to spew out an excuse. "That blood was yours, wasn't it? You've been shadow-boxing again, haven't you? Knocked yourself right out of the park, good for you. But Newbie," he grabbed hold of the front of JD's scrubs and pulled him so that their faces were inches apart, "don't you dare lie to me again. I'm not an idiot, and I know when something's going on. If you have a head injury, you get checked out before you come into work with a concussion and risk the lives of all of the patients already in your worthless hands. Do you understand me?"

JD had rarely seen him so focused, so angry. "Yeah," JD stuttered, half-expecting Dr. Cox to punch him if he didn't reply right away. "Okay, I'm sorry."

Dr. Cox released his shirt. "Now go get yourself checked out and don't come back until you're actually fit to work. If that's even possible." He stalked off.

JD turned to see Carla looking at him oddly.

"You hurt your head?" she asked. "What happened?"

JD shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "I fell." She shook her head, sighing, and went back to work.

After being examined by Dr. Beardface (and thanking God that Elliot wasn't the one to do it), JD was declared physically fine and sent back to work. He avoided Dr. Cox as best he could, for some reason feeling horribly guilty for making him so angry when Dr. Cox had been nothing but civil toward him earlier. Normally an angry lecture from his mentor wouldn't upset him so much, and JD had to wonder whether the whole situation with Daniel had somehow made him overly sensitive. He really just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball, and every word that was said to him made him want to cry. Was this how PMS felt? He was just so exhausted and stressed out that when Elliot found him towards the end of his shift to tell him that she had to break their plans, he almost broke down and let the tears flow.

"My best friend from high school is in town and I haven't seen her for like seven years, can you believe it!?" Elliot explained, her words nearly too quick for JD to understand. "I know we haven't hung out in a while, but seven years is a tad longer than a few months, you know what I mean? Look, I'll so make it up to you as soon as I can, but Lizzy's waiting for me. We'll reschedule for this weekend, okay?" She left before he could reply.

Suddenly, as he sat in the locker room trying to work up the energy to take a shower before he left the hospital, Daniel's words from this morning were flowing through JD's mind:

"You and your idiot friends who don't even seem to like you! How stupid can you be!... They abandon you for weeks just because you're sad. How's that for friendship? Then you're constantly talking about some doctor who is supposed to be so competent and so caring while he hates your guts and insults you every chance he gets! Face it, Johnny, your friends are assholes! They barely like you, and they sure as hell don't understand you; not like I do."

And then the tears really did come, because then JD felt the full weight of those words, and he could understand exactly where they'd come from. Daniel hadn't just made those things up off the top of his head; he knew JD, and he listened to everything JD told him, and he knew JD's friends through the stories he heard, and everything he said about them was true. Elliot didn't give a shit whether or not she gave JD the brush off. Carla didn't care that JD was hurt, emotionally or physically, and Turk listened to whatever Carla said. Dr. Cox...he was barely civil only when JD didn't do anything stupid. But he always did something stupid. And none of them cared whether or not JD was freaking out at that very moment because he couldn't figure out whether or not he'd been raped the night before. They didn't care that JD had never felt so horrible, so dirty and lonely, in his entire life, and JD was sure that they didn't give a shit that, as embarrassing as it was, JD couldn't stop crying.

The tears just wouldn't stop, so JD stripped down and showered, letting the water wash away the evidence of his weak moment. He washed away the evidence of the night before; the sweat and Daniel's musky scent and the scattered memories of pain and pleasure that had lingered throughout the day. JD made his mind blank, dressed, and exited the hospital only to find himself standing, once again, outside of Daniel's door.


	6. Cold Beer

"Hey, Johnny," Daniel greeted when he opened the opened the door. His smile fell when he saw the expression on JD's face. "What's wrong? Have you been crying?"

JD didn't know why he was there. On the surface his mind felt dark and empty, but he could feel something in trying to remind him of what happened the night before, of why he should not be returning here to Daniel.

After being ushered through the door and sat on the couch, another thought popped up in JD's head.

"My friends are assholes," he announced, his voice tired. Daniel settled onto the couch next to him and put his arm around JD's shoulder.

"I know, Johnny. I tried to tell you."

JD nodded and lowered his head onto Daniel's shoulder. Daniel was warm. "I just want someone to talk to," JD confessed.

Daniel gave him a reassuring squeeze. "What do you want to talk about?"

The word 'rape' flew to the front of his fuzzy mind...but that couldn't have been right. It wasn't a word that he'd ever thought that he'd associate with himself, so why should he start now?

"Is this about last night?" Daniel asked, breaking through JD's racing thoughts. "Are you really that ashamed about it? About what we did?" He was silent for a moment, but JD had heard the tense anger in his voice and he was afraid. "And here I thought we were so close." Daniel rose from the couch and went into the kitchen. JD didn't know what to do; Daniel sounded like he was really hurt and JD felt bad about that. But he was also angry, and JD was very aware of the fact that Daniel seemed to become violent when angry.

When he returned a few seconds later, he sat an open can of beer on his television. JD hadn't moved from the couch.

"What do you want out of this relationship, Johnny?" Daniel asked, not looking at him. "You have to tell me because I just can't figure out what's going on in that head of yours."

JD suddenly became more aware of his surroundings as he watched Daniel take a long swig from his beer can. "Why are you drinking?" he asked. "I thought you didn't like-"

"It helps me. Now answer the question."

JD looked into Daniel's eyes for the first time that night, and he didn't see the hurt that sounded through his voice. His eyes were cold and angry. JD thought as quickly as he could; he didn't want to make Daniel even more upset.

"I want to be able to talk to you," JD explained quickly in a soft voice, "about my problems, my friends, my job."

Daniel nodded, sipping his beer. "You ask only that I listen to what you say, that I empathize and understand you, that I'm there for you whenever you need me." He scoffed. "That's not asking a lot." JD tried to say something, but closed his mouth when Daniel slammed the can down on the television, spilling beer everywhere. "What do I do now, Johnny? I listen to you, I empathize with you, I understand you, and I'm here for you. I do everything that you expect of me, yet you still treat me like shit. Why is that?"

JD just shook his head, completely at a loss for words. Daniel continued, "Is it because you don't respect me?" he asked, pacing in front of the couch. "Is it because you just think I'm a tool to be used and then thrown aside? I'm a human being, Johnny. I breathe and bleed just like anyone else, and I deserve to have a meaningful relationship just like anyone else."

He paused and looked at JD, who was unsure of what exactly he was talking about and how he was supposed to respond, so he sat and watched silently.

"You're getting everything that you want out of this relationship, right?" JD nodded. "Do you even care what I want out of it? Do you care that I want some comfort as well?"

"I try-"

"I know," Daniel said as he rushed up to JD and cupped his face in his hands, "that you try, Johnny. I know. But you don't try hard enough. You keep pulling away from me like I'm some kind of monster; is that what you think of me?"

"No, of course-"

"Then why pull away? Do you know what I want out of our relationship?" JD shook his head, trying to ignore the smell of alcohol on Daniel's breath. "I want the same thing that you want. The exact same thing; just some human comfort. That's all." He slid next to JD on the couch, turning the younger man to face him. "Just this," he explained as he softly kissed JD's lips and caressed his cheeks with his thumbs. "It helps me to listen to you, to feel connected to you that way." He kissed him some more. "And it helps you to feel me touch you, to feel connected, to be released." His hands moved lower, to JD's stomach. "It's a healing comfort, touch and understanding. We're healing each other of all the burden's, all the failures of the past."

JD felt himself giving in; his body was enjoying what Daniel was doing as his hands brushed against JD's bare chest and his lips ran across his collarbone. But his mind was running through a million other things: why was Daniel drinking? Why was he even here after what happened last night? Why was JD allowing him to remove his shirt? But the things he said had made sense; the touch was so comforting, it felt healing. It took him away from all of the bad things that had happened.

But when a hand went to the tie on his scrubs, JD pulled away.

"Wait, just no further," he stuttered. "Please."

"Are you serious?" Daniel grumbled, locking his lips onto JD's once again and pulling at the tie. JD shoved him off and received an explosion of pain in his cheek and eye as Daniel punched him in return. JD fell to the floor and held his face, his eyes tightly shut.

He heard Daniel panting above him. "Oh jeez, Johnny, I'm sorry," Daniel admitted. "You're just always fighting me like I'm going to kill you or something. There's no need to get so defensive." He left the room and returned with another beer. JD winced as he approached. "I'm not going to bite," Daniel said, offended. He pressed the cold beer to JD's eye. "Hold that there." JD did as he was told (the coldness felt good on his burning skin), and Daniel left and returned again with an open can.

"Maybe you should just head home for the night," Daniel decided after another long swig. "Get yourself cleaned up. I'll see you tomorrow."

JD nodded. He returned the unopened can to Daniel and left the apartment without a word.

JD didn't sleep that night. He spent hours on his couch with an ice pack pressed to his eye, channel surfing with the TV muted, watching infomercials and cooking shows until the sun began to rise. A few hours before work, he checked his appearance in the mirror to see, as he had expected, that he had a black eye; he was just glad that his eye wasn't swollen shut. He sighed and rummaged through the bathroom for Carla's make-up kit, only to find that all of her concealer was far too dark on his skin. Where's Elliot when you need her?

He considered, for a while, the possibility of wandering over to Elliot's apartment and searching through her things, but finally decided to simply walk to the drug store. It would look strange, he knew, for a man to be buying concealer at four in the morning, but he knew that explaining away his third injury in three days on a clumsy fall may have been a bit of a stretch. It would be worth it simply to not have to hear all of the curious questions.

After clumsily applying a light colored foundation around his sensitive eye, JD admired his handy work in the drug-store bathroom; his eye was a little puffy by then, but as long as he didn't wash his face or go out in sunlight during the day, it should work fine.

About an hour before he was due at work – and after wandering around downtown for several hours - exhaustion hit JD, and he forced himself to return home and sleep for about half an hour before heading into work. It didn't help.

"JD, dude, you look like a dead man walking," Turk commented when he saw JD in the locker room. Turk was piling his things into his bag to go home. "Have another late night with your new lady friend?" He wiggled his eyebrows seductively.

JD mustered up the energy to smile and shrug before replying, "No, I was home. I just couldn't sleep."

Turk suddenly looked serious. "Are you having nightmares about wrist surgery again? Because I swear I would never cut you open unless you asked me to." He looked at JD with puppy dog eyes just as Dr. Cox walked in.

JD managed a real smile and glanced at his wrists fondly. "Yeah, I know Chocolate Bear. I'd trust you with all my favorite body parts."

Turk nodded fondly, while Dr. Cox groaned and walked right back out the door.

"He's so jealous," Turk decided. JD grinned and nodded. He could always trust Turk to make him feel better. "Good luck hanging with him all night, 'cuz I'm outta here."

"All night?" JD's stomach tightened. "Why would I do that?"

"I checked your schedule, you have a double shift," Turk explained. "There's a new episode of Gilmore Girls on tonight, but I'll definitely tape it so we can watch it later, okay?" JD nodded and Turk slapped him on the back as he left the locker room. "I'll see you tomorrow!"

Even though Turk had already left, JD nodded and waved as he carefully lowered himself to the bench. He'd completely forgotten about working a 24-hour shift that night. Of course, he didn't mind working; any doctor is used to working long shifts on little sleep. It was what Daniel had said the night before that was screaming through his head and making JD feel weak.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

He had specifically mentioned that he expected to see JD that night.

JD was suddenly filled with panic and fear. He couldn't just not show up, even if it was because of work. He couldn't disappoint Daniel again, because that would make Daniel upset, and god, JD hated it when he disappointed Daniel. JD prodded his eye tenderly before remembering about the make-up and rushing to a mirror to make sure that it hadn't rubbed off.

Dr. Cox re-entered the room and moved to his locker. "Are you still here, Priscilla? At least your boyfriend is gone. God, you two really know how to make a perfectly secure straight guy shudder, and that's really saying something."

The make-up was fine; the skin around his right eye was still a little puffy, but it looked normal if he squinted his left eye a little.

"I mean, even when Jordan used to go on about her guy-on-guy fantasies involving whips and cereal boxes, and underage Russian kids, I had no problem keeping my hands steady enough to cut that Thanksgiving turkey and pass it right along down the table to my completely wasted parents, but sometimes the things you say...well, I just can't seem to keep away the heebie-jeebies."

JD finished dressing and stuffed all of his things into his locker. When he turned to leave, Dr. Cox was standing, fully dressed in his scrubs and white coat, arms crossed and staring at him.

"What, no giggle-filled reply, SpongeBob? No high pitched squeal about how great it is for us to be changing in the same room? You can let it out, you can, because I'm perfectly aware of how excited you get at the prospect of standing in the same room as an only semi-dressed...well, me."

JD hesitated. "SpongeBob isn't a girl's name," he finally replied, bobbing his head for effect.

"Yet somehow it still applies."

"I'm just a little tired today, Dr. Cox." JD squinted his left eye when he realized that the older doctor was carefully inspecting his face with his eyes. He frowned in suspicion.

"You look it," Dr. Cox finally replied. "Go get some coffee and get to work." He slammed his locker shut and left the room.

JD sighed; that had been close. He'd have to remember to squint slightly throughout the day, or someone may look too closely. It would be worth not having to come up with another lie. At least he could play the 'tired' card; his eyes always get puffy when he doesn't get enough sleep.

Despite his exhaustion, JD worked frantically through his shift, pausing only to grab a phone book and escape to a supply closet to look up Daniel's phone number. He didn't actually gather the courage to call him until much later in the day. When the break room appeared empty around three in the afternoon, JD sunk into a chair at the table and dialed Daniel's cell.

"Who is this?" Daniel immediately responded.

"It's J—I mean, it's Johnny." He spoke as quietly as he could without whispering just in case someone passed the doorway.

Daniel's voice immediately softened. "Hey, Johnny. I can't believe you're calling me from work, that's so sweet."

JD hesitated. "Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"How is your eye? I really am sorry about that. Does it hurt?"

"No, it doesn't hurt much." It stung like a bitch. "Don't worry about it."

"I'm glad. At least your friends won't really notice."

"Why not?"

"Well, they don't really pay attention, right? I mean, at least you don't have to worry about that."

JD swallowed thickly. "Yeah, well I covered it up anyway."

"Like that was necessary," Daniel chuckled in his good-natured tone. JD closed his eyes tightly for a moment.

"Look, Daniel...I can't come over tonight." He waited for a reply for a moment, but was greeted only with silence. "I-I didn't check the schedule before, but I have to work all night. I don't get off until seven a.m." He winced as his voice wavered. He felt horrible disappointing Daniel like this after the long talk they'd had about their relationship only the night before, and he feared the explosion that was sure to come.

"Don't worry about it," was Daniel's tense reply.

JD paused. "Really? You're not angry?"

"I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah, of course," JD said quickly, wanting to make it up to Daniel. "I have the day off, so I can be there whenever you get off work."

"AHEM."

JD jumped at the loud throat clearing behind him and whipped around to see Dr. Cox with his arm wrapped around the back of the couch. He was glaring at JD and searching his face even more intently than before.

"Be there at five, not a second later." JD barely heard Daniel's words; he was staring, wide-eyed, at his surprise company.

"Yeah."

"I can't wait to see you." Daniel's voice didn't sound too enthusiastic, but JD's attention was focused elsewhere; he'd suddenly remembered that he should be squinting and looking tired. How much could Dr. Cox have heard anyway with JD speaking in such a low voice? He ran through the conversation in his head anyway, searching for any weakness that would give him away.

"I've got to go." He hung up the phone, not hearing Daniel's scoff and the beginnings of a word before the button was pressed. "What can I do for you Dr. Cox?" he asked, the stiffness in his voice surprising even him.

The older doctor appeared as though he was trying desperately to maintain his glare, but a deeper look of concern and confusion was overshadowing it. "Was that your brother?" he finally asked in a gruff voice. He looked like he wanted to ask a lot more, but nothing else came out.

JD finally cleared his throat and stood to leave. "Yeah," he confirmed, nodding.

Dr. Cox managed to reclaim his glare and flopped back down on the couch. "Next time you disturb my nap I'm throwing that phone straight down the crapper." His voice was softer than normal, but he sounded more annoyed than confused. JD fled the room.


	7. Just to Talk

At around 7 p.m., JD flopped down onto a bed in the on-call room and let out a long sigh. The first half of his shift was finally over, but a twelve-hour shift on thirty minutes of sleep had really killed him; he fell asleep only moments after pulling the blankets up to his chin.

A few hours after his shift had started, Carla had stopped him by the nurse's station.

"JD," she called, "Dr. Cox says you and your brother got into a fight. I can't believe you didn't tell us that he was in town." She put her hand on her hip and gave him a head bob. "I didn't even know you could keep secrets. What's going on?"

JD shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "He's uh..." His mind was drawing a blank. "He's only here for a couple of days?"

She narrowed her eyes. "What did you fight about?"

He'd pshawed. "I don't know why Dr. Cox would think we were fighting, but we're not. I'm just teaching him to play...World of Warcraft. On the Internet."Just add goofy smile. It worked perfectly.

Carla shook her head fondly. "You're such a nerd."

A dash of carefree shrug, and she'll walk away.

JD knew his friends too well.

Why had Dr. Cox talked to Carla about it anyway? JD barely remembered what was said in the phone conversation, but apparently it had been enough to convince Dr. Cox that he'd been hurt. He'd just have to avoid his mentor until the concealer was no longer needed; it would be so embarrassing if he figured it out and told everyone that JD had been walloped in the eye.

Immediately afterwards, an intern asked for his help with an uncooperative patient. It was a young girl, probably about thirteen. She had just received stitches for a gash on her brow, but she was shaking badly and the intern couldn't get her to tell him what else was wrong. Of course, JD was the go-to guy for sensitive situations.

"I'm Doctor John Dorian, but you can call me JD," he gently greeted the young girl, who only stared ahead, blank-faced. "What's your name?"

"It's on my chart," she replied through her teeth, her voice wavering. She looked as though she was in a lot of pain.

JD was just happy that she had responded; it was a start. He quickly glanced at her name on the chart and continued. "Okay, Jenna, I understand that you took quite a blow to the head. How did that happen?"

She shrugged. "I fell."

JD cleared his throat; those words were way too familiar. "Is your head still bothering you?" he moved on. She shook her head no. "Is there something else that's bothering you?"

She stared at the door behind him. "Why would you think that? I'm fine."

"You're shaking." He gestured to her trembling hand. She turned her arm out as she moved her hand under the blanket, and JD noticed bruising along the insides of her arms. He pretended not to notice. "Did you get into a fight, Jenna?"

She shook her head. "I just fell."

JD nodded and put the chart back in its place. "I know how that can be, I'm quite clumsy," he admitted, smiling as best he could. "Jenna, where are you parents?"

She narrowed her eyes further and shrugged.

"If you're in pain," JD began, his voice quiet, "all you have to do is tell us and we can help you. You know that, right?" She nodded. "And if you're having problems with anyone, you can tell us that, too. And we'll help you." She didn't move. "You'll call me if you need anything, right?" She nodded, and JD was shocked to see a tear roll down her cheek. He just stared at her for a moment, then moved closer to the bed. "Jenna, if your parents are hurting you in any way, you know that you don't have to stay with them, right? You don't have to go back to them." She just nodded again, never looking at him. He nodded back and left the room.

"See if Dr. Goldman is on-call and bring him up here," he'd told the intern who was standing outside of the girl's room. "Tell him that we have a possible case of child abuse." The intern's eyes widened and he scampered off.

As JD had made his way back to his own patients, he felt sick with grief: he wished he could have helped Jenna more. He'd wished he'd been able to solve all of her problems and take all of her pain away. No child deserved to be hurt. JD could only hope that he'd gotten through to her when he told her that she didn't have to go back...

JD jerked awake, his thoughts still swirling frantically in his head. Carla stood above him, her hands on his shoulders.

"It's time to get up, Bambi. Dr. Cox has been covering your patients for two hours, and he's about to snap." Her voice was soft, soothing, but her words barely registered. He nodded and she left the on-call room.

"You don't have to go back..."

The words kept twirling through his mind as he lay back and stared at the top bunk. What if he didn't go to Daniel's house tomorrow night? What if he just...never saw Daniel again?

Not that he was comparing his situation to a thirteen-year-old girl being hurt by her parents, of course. It was just that...sometimes, Daniel scared the hell out of him.

His mind swam back to the day Daniel had slapped him, the looks he'd gotten from Carla and Turk at the bruise on his cheek, Dr. Cox's derogatory accusations, and his angry looks when JD's head was split open from being knocked into the bathtub. He thought about crying in the locker room, and buying concealer at four in the morning to cover his black eye.

JD sighed deeply and covered his eyes with his arm. Maybe their situations weren't that different. Maybe he could just...stop going to Daniel's apartment. What's the worst that could happen? Daniel didn't know where he lived. JD could always block his phone number so that he couldn't call him.

He sat up on the bed and his head swayed; he was still exhausted. And how could he even think about never seeing Daniel again? After all he'd done for JD...he was the only one who was there for him when he broke up with Julie. He was nothing but a good friend. What's a few bumps on the head in the long run anyway?

But that night, when he was drunk...

The door slammed open and the lights flipped on and suddenly Dr. Cox was sitting on the bed across from JD.

"I have half a mind to just shove off these two-dozen patients into your lap and call it a night if you don't get your ass out of bed and," his words slowed as he gazed at JD's right eye, "do your job. Preferably before someone dies as both of us are currently engaged in a staring contest rather than trying to save their lives now what the hell is that?"

JD had been trying to squint his left eye to match his right the whole time Dr. Cox was talking, but apparently he'd failed. "What's what?" he asked, his voice still sounding groggy.

"Looks like you've got a shiner there," he explained as he gestured to JD's eye. "Did you purchase that to go with the bruise on your cheek and the cut on the back of your head? Or maybe they all got a group rate."

JD sighed, lowering his head. His concealer must have rubbed off onto the pillow. He just wanted to go back to sleep. "Dr. Cox, it's no big deal. Dan and I just got into a fight, remember?" Might as well stick to that story. He mentally high-fived himself for remembering it.

"Yeah." Dr. Cox looked skeptical. "Since when do you call your brother Daniel? And since when were you on his bruise-a-day plan? Does he even live around here?"

JD just shook his head. Why were they even having this conversation? "Look, if you don't want to believe me, why don't you just tell me what you want me to say, okay? Why do you even care? So I've got a couple of bruises, so what? I don't have to explain myself to you."

Dr. Cox actually looked surprised. "Well, somebody's got their panties all in a twist. Why so defensive?" He leaned in when JD just snorted. "Look, Newbie, I'm actually, honestly, trying to help you for once. If I were you, I'd take hold of this opportunity before it's gone. Now I heard your little phone call and I don't believe for one second that it was Dan who gave you that black eye, much less a knock to the back of the head. I don't know if you've been running around after work looking for bar-fights or what, but this little suicide run has got to stop if you're going to come in to half-dead and with a concussion."

"I don't hav-"

"I know, Jessica, I'm aware of the fact that you don't have a concussion today, and way to go for that, but..." He paused, then leaned back. "For God's sake, would you just tell me what's going on already? I know you can barely stand to hold onto a secret for two seconds and you've been showing up with injuries for the past three days."

JD was suddenly aware of how similar this conversation was to his earlier talk with Jenna: except in this case, he was the abused patient. The thought made him extremely uncomfortable. He considered, only for a second, telling his mentor what had happened, but he could already see Dr. Cox laughing and gleefully spreading the news across the hospital.

"Dr. Cox, I'm not a child," he asserted, and, amazing himself, stood without swaying. "Any problems I have, I can handle on my own." It wasn't exactly true, but in this case, maybe all he needed to do really was to stop seeing Daniel.

His mentor just stared at him for several moments. "Fine," he eventually stated, standing as well. "But if Carla asks, we had a long conversation about feelings and made everything in the world right again."

JD didn't allow his hurt to show. "Agreed." Of course, Dr. Cox had only come to talk to him because Carla had somehow scared him into doing it. Of course. Dr. Cox didn't actually care.

Dr. Cox growled. "Jesus, you look like your puppy just died," he muttered as he led the way out of the on-call room.

By the time his shift ended at 7 a.m., JD had completely made up his mind. He'd reapplied the concealer to his black eye, but all of the annoyed looks that he was getting from Dr. Cox throughout the day was the tip of the ice burg; he just wanted things to go back to normal. JD could remember a time when he spent every night after work with Turk watching television or going out to bars and flirting with girls. Whatever happened to that? And whatever happened to him being happy to receive looks from his mentor; he used to be glad for any bit of attention thrown his way, but today he just wanted to be left alone. He felt humiliated that Dr. Cox even knew about the black eye.

He remembered when he used to talk to his friends about his problems. Maybe not girl problems...okay, he'd have to learn to get along without whining about breaking up with girlfriends. That wouldn't be so bad, would it? Everything else, though, he could take to Carla or Turk or Elliot and feel a million times better for having it off his chest. It had been so long since he'd spoken to them about anything important that he forgot what it was like.

It was as if a heavy weight had been lifted off of JD was he made his way through the hospital, ready to start his day. Carla stopped him at the entrance with a big smile.

"Good job tonight, Bambie," she said. JD glowed – okay, so it may have just been that he was really tired and emotionally unstable, but those words meant a lot. "And, JD? You've really impressed me lately."

JD paused, confused. "Really?" He hadn't been doing anything different with his patients.

"Yeah," Carla nodded, smiling at him fondly. "We only said that you didn't have to talk about ex-girlfriends and things like that, but...you've really done a great job dealing with your problems without, you know, complaining to any of us."

"Ah." He nodded, surprised and unsure of what to say. "Yeah."

"You're really growing up, JD. I'm proud of you."

He nodded some more, blinking profusely as she patted his shoulder, then cleared his throat. There was just one thing that he had to ask, "So then...why did you make Dr. Cox talk to me?"

She gave him a look then and he suddenly knew that she had nothing to do with Dr. Cox reaching out to him, and he felt ten times worse for blowing him off. His heart sank, and his entire body slumped forward; he couldn't even convince himself to be happy that Dr. Cox was at least trying to be nice to him, because what was the point if JD was always going to screw it up?

Carla sort of opened her mouth to answer, but before anything came out, JD exited the hospital.

Turk already had a taped episode of the Gilmore Girls in the VCR and a bowl of candy on the coffee table when JD arrived home. It was touching, especially the huge grin on Turk's face, the excitement in his eyes just at the prospect of spending time with his best friend. JD fell asleep on the couch about halfway through the episode.

When he woke hours later to his phone ringing, the TV was off, and there was a blanket covering him. The apartment was empty.

Great, he thought to himself. Something else to be guilty about.

Elliot was on the phone, asking if he'd like to go out for drinks when she got off work at seven. He agreed to meet her. It was only noon, and JD spent the next several hours wandering around his apartment, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, straightening his room and generally doing anything to take his mind off of the fact that he just made plans with Elliot at a time when he was supposed to be with Daniel. He almost wished that she got off earlier; when four-thirty rolled around, he locked the door to his apartment and sealed himself in his room, forbidding himself from leaving.

At five, he felt like he would throw up.

How could he just not go? He was Daniel's only friend, his only human comfort in the whole world, and now JD was just abandoning him, breaking his promise to see him that night. How could JD be such an idiot? Just go to his apartment! Apologize for being late, he'll forgive you!

JD jumped off of his bed and raced through the apartment, flinging open the front door. Just stopped himself just before running into Elliot, her hand raised to knock.

"Woah!" she cried when she saw him almost slam into her. "In a hurry there, partner?" she giggled at her own joke and shook her head. "Sorry, I got off early so I figured I'd come pick you up."

JD realized that he was trembling; he probably looked like a freak, standing there shaking and panting and completely at a loss for words.

"Are you okay?" Elliot asked, obviously confused. "Were you heading out?"

He shook his head.

She perked up. "Do you want to go to the bar early? They have half-price beers until six!"

I have other plans, I have somewhere that I need to be, someone needs me, I have to go... "Yeah, okay." Why the hell had he said that?

"Great, grab some shoes and let's boogie."

He did, and they left. JD followed her every action, ordered what she ordered, talked about whatever she brought up, and after three cheap beers the shaking stopped. He still felt ill, but the fear was slowly fading away as the warm fuzzy feeling of drunkenness oozed its way across his mind.

After six beers, he ran to the bathroom to throw up and splash water on his face. He glanced at the clock above the door to see that it was eight o'clock; long after he was supposed to meet Daniel. He was sick again, and he and Elliot soon left to pass out at her place.

It was a hard night, that first night. JD's thoughts emotions, his entire mind, was divided between wanting to go to Daniel and talk to him and reassure him, and wanting to forget that he'd ever met Daniel and go back to the way thing were before he met him. The nights after that were worse.

JD never planned on telling anyone about what had happened with Daniel, but he found himself desperately wanting to. When Carla would give him a concerned look, or Elliot invited him out so that she could talk about her relationship with Keith...all he wanted to do was spill it all. He felt like it needed to be said, but it just wouldn't come out. Not after Carla telling him how glad she was that he didn't whine to them anymore. It just didn't seem right. At least Dr. Cox had stopped giving him weird looks.

Every night, JD itched for companionship, for someone to be there with him and for him. He just wanted someone to talk to.

Only three days after he stopped seeing Daniel, Mrs. Barsol went into cardiac arrest and died. JD had just played chess with her the day before. Now he felt as though he couldn't see straight. He sat in her room facing her empty bed and tried to calm his beating heart, to stop it from constricting, but the squeezing stabbing pain just wouldn't go away, and he just wanted someone to talk to.

JD watched the dark shadows move across Turk's face as he entered the room and sat on the bed across from JD.

"You okay, man? You and Mrs. Barsol were pretty close."

JD nodded; he was fine. He tried to tell Turk that, but nothing came out.

"You've been acting pretty down lately," Turk continued, his voice low. "Is there something else that's bothering you?"

"I'm fine," JD finally managed to squeeze out.

Turk sighed. "You just haven't been yourself."

Why can't I just tell him? I just want to say it so bad, to get it out. It would just be another burden on his friend's shoulders.

JD sat up straight and looked his friend in the eye. "Don't worry about me, Turk. I'll be fine. I'm just sad, that's all. It's normal, right?"

"Yeah," Turk agreed. He looked relieved. "I understand. We've all been there."

"Yeah."

"She was a good 'ol gal. It was just her time."

JD nodded, giving his friend a little smile.

He wandered around town for hours after work, leaving Sasha at the hospital. He thought about Mrs. Barsol, about how she'd talked about her long, rich life, her loving family, her expectations of a beautiful afterlife. He remembered when he'd first learned, and first told her, that she was going to die. He'd gone to Daniel's house and talked at length about Mrs. Barsol; Daniel had been so compassionate, so understanding. It was all JD wanted at that moment.

When Daniel opened the door to his apartment, JD was red-eyed and crying, his hands shoved into his pockets.

"She died today," he said through his tears. "Mrs. Barsol, she's dead."

Daniel sighed and took JD into a tight hug, causing him to sob even harder. "I'm so sorry, Johnny. I can't even imagine...God, I'm sorry."


	8. Worth It

Sitting on the couch and wrapped in Daniel's arms, JD quietly cried and talked on and on about Mrs. Barsol, and about being unable to reach out to his friends any longer. He even admitted to Daniel that he felt trapped and a little afraid of him.

"But it's worth it, it's worth it," he frantically repeated as though he were the one doing the comforting. Daniel rubbed soothing circles across his back.

At one point, JD realized the Daniel's breath and clothes smelled strongly of alcohol; he remembered Daniel drinking the last time he was there, and he couldn't help but wonder how the beer would affect him.

"I'm sorry about not coming over the last few days," JD finally admitted, pulling away and looking into Daniel's sympathetic and bloodshot eyes. "I thought maybe it would be better, but it wasn't."

Daniel just nodded and smiled lazily. "Maybe the next time that happens, I could just go to your work and ask your friends where you are. One of them would probably know." His words were slow and slurred.

JD stiffened as he imagined Daniel wandering around the hospital asking for him, revealing things about him to everyone he knew. "It won't happen again," JD promised. "I won't ever stay away again, I swear." Daniel smiled bigger, and JD knew that it really was worth it.

"I know," was all Daniel said before pressing his lips to JD's and allowing the younger man to taste the stale beer on his tongue. Daniel gently laid JD down on the couch and began exploring his body with his hands, pulling off his scrubs top and pressing his chest against JD's.

JD could only concentrate on pushing the panic away from his mind. He continued telling himself that it was worth it, and he really believed it; but the feel of Daniel's smooth muscular chest pressed against his, his hands running down JD's thigh...it didn't feel right, and all JD's body wanted to do was run.

Even though his body was reacting exactly the way Daniel wanted it to, JD still involuntarily jerked and pulled away when Daniel put a hand in his pants. Both men froze, JD in fear, and Daniel in shocked anger. They stared at one another. Daniel looked like he was trying to say something, but nothing came out, and his face became more and more red.

JD was almost relieved when Daniel lifted his fist, then he felt blinding pain just below his ribs and his breath left him. He vaguely noted through his pain that Daniel was holding his arms, preventing him from curling up into a ball or falling off the couch. JD coughed, desperately trying to take in air.

When he could breathe again, he expected Daniel to just send him home like he did last time. He didn't expect to feel his pants being yanked off.

"You're still so ashamed of me, of what we do," Daniel said, throwing the scrubs bottoms across the room. "Still so concerned with yourself. Don't think I don't realize that you never want me at the hospital. You don't want your friends to see me, to know who I am and what we've done. Because you're ashamed."

He's right, JD admitted. I'm ashamed of him. I'm a horrible person. No matter what he told himself, the feel of Daniel's hands running down his sides to pull off his boxers was still cold and wrong.

Daniel noticed the shivers run through JD's body. "I guess you're usually the one who's wasted during this part, right?" He slapped JD across the face and threw the boxers off. JD screwed his eyes shut at the pain. "You won't even look at me when you're sober." Daniel looked at him steadily for a moment, and JD tried to look him in the eye, even though his cheek and stomach were burning and he was shaking from fear of what Daniel would do next.

Daniel mumbled something softly, lowering himself next to JD's naked body. He wrapped one arm around JD's back and used the other to caress his hair while quietly whispering into his ear, "It's okay, Johnny. Things are bad now, but they'll get better. Your patient is in a better place, and you're with someone who cares about you. Someone who understands you. Everything else will just fall into place."

JD felt himself relaxing into Daniel's soft touch, relishing the feeling of being held. And he knew it was worth it. Even when Daniel wandered into the kitchen to drink another beer, then roughly dragged JD off to the bedroom. He knew it was worth it afterwards when Daniel was sleeping soundly by his side, his arms flailed possessively over the beginnings of a bruise on JD's stomach. Even when JD couldn't sleep until after he'd showered in Daniel's bathroom, he still settled into Daniel's warm embrace. It was worth it to feel wanted and needed, to feel that little shred of comfort in his otherwise empty life. Because that's how his life felt now: empty except for Daniel.

Carla was livid when JD walked into work an hour late; he'd pretended to be asleep while Daniel prepared for work this morning, then (after finding his clothes scattered across the living room) took a cab to the hospital.

"JD, where have you been?" Carla demanded, rushing around the counter of the nurse's station. "You left your scooter here all night and then you didn't show up for work! I was about to call the police!"

JD had forgotten all about Sasha.

"Right, sorry, Carla," he sheepishly replied. "I stayed at a friend's, and he picked me up from work last night."

"Not the friend you met at the bar, I hope?"

Ah, so she has been paying attention.

"Yes, actually," JD replied, feeling a little defensive.

"Is that where you meet all of your dates, princess?" Dr. Cox asked as he slid some files across the counter and started to write on one. "Whoever buys you a drink is the lucky winner, right?"

Instead of thinking of a fantastic comeback, JD found himself concentrating on keeping his stomach out of the way of Dr. Cox's elbow, which was jerked around as the older doctor wrote on a patient's chart. JD's abdomen was still sore from that punch last night, and he was unsurprised this morning to find a large green bruise just above his naval. The absolute last thing he needed right now was for his mentor to bump into him and watch him flail around on the ground in pain.

"No response is always an admission," Dr. Cox informed Carla before marching off again. Carla just smiled and shook her head.

"I'm sorry about Mrs. Barsol," Carla said softly. "I know you two were close. Turk said you're taking it pretty hard?"

JD shrugged; he admitted to himself that he felt a lot better about Mrs. Barsol after spending time with Daniel. The sharp pain of her loss had dulled since then. "It's no big deal," he assured Carla. "It's a hospital, death happens, and I'll get over it."

That earned him a big grin from Carla. "You're so grown up!" she squealed, almost Elliot-like, and JD just gave her a strange look as Turk slid up next to her and grinned at both of them.

"JD!" he cried happily before his face became serious. "Me, you, Carla, Elliot, tonight, karaoke, whaddya say?" He eyed JD like he was trying to read his mind.

Of course, JD's mind was completely focused on Daniel; he had abandoned him for three days straight, so there was no way he could miss going to his house tonight. He silently promised himself that he wouldn't disappoint his friend again.

"I really can't," JD finally said. "I kind of already have plans."

Turk looked devastated. "What plans?" he demanded. "You don't have to work, and everybody's going to be at karaoke. Karaoke, JD!"

"I know, I just have something that I need to do…" he trailed off.

"JD is going to hang out with his new bar friend," Carla revealed; JD wasn't sure whether she was sticking up for him or trying to get him into more trouble.

"Bar friend?" Turk asked. "What bar friend, I'm your bar friend."

This was going too far. "Look, I can't do it tonight, but maybe another time," he decided, even though he couldn't imagine ever standing Daniel up again. Still, it was hard to turn his friends down without offering them a little bit of hope.

Elliot skipping up to JD later and asked if he wanted to ride with her to karaoke; he explained again that he wasn't going and tried to ignore the pang of regret when he saw the hurt look on Elliot's face.

"But Turk's been planning this forever," she whined. JD could only shrug apologetically and feel the knife drive deeper into his stomach.

Turk bugged JD a couple more times until Turk's shift ended at 2 p.m. When JD grabbed his lunch, none of his friends were in the cafeteria, so he sat alone until Dr. Cox fell into the chair across from him.

"So what new injuries do you have today?" Dr. Cox asked with a fake smile plastered across his face. "Wait, don't tell me, I love guessing these; my sister and I used to play this game all the time. Okay, you're slightly hunched over when you walk, you don't swing your arms and you've been avoiding any swinging elbows in the midriff section, so I'm going to go ahead and say a big black and blue bad boy on that flabby twelve-year-old tummy of yours, am I right?" He settled into a charismatic smile and watched as JD stumbled over his words.

"Uh, well, it's still kind of … green…and my stomach isn't flabby, I do cardio," JD replied lamely. Why wouldn't Dr. Cox just leave him alone?

"Yeah, that's what I thought." His smile disappeared and he leaned in close. "Look, Newbie, if you want me to cut you off from your patients until you get some mental help I can, because this can't continue."

"I don't need mental help, I'm not hurting myself," JD argued back. "I can't believe that you would even think that. I'm just clumsy, and I heal slowly."

"Yeah, I'll say. The bruise on your cheek has miraculously returned."

JD's hand instinctively went to his cheek; it was a little sore. Why did Daniel have to hit him in the same spot twice? Ouch.

"Look, I don't know what's going on," Dr. Cox began, "and this is your last chance to tell me. If you want to take the world on your shoulders and never accept help from anyone about anything be my guest, but don't expect it to be lollipops and rainbows along the way."

JD just stared at him for a moment. It was painful, knowing that the second and last time his mentor was actually reaching out to him, he wasn't going to accept his help. He wasn't going to tell Dr. Cox about Daniel, there was no way. "Why do you care?" he finally asked.

Dr. Cox looked taken aback. He put on a hard face. "I care about the patients under your care who won't be getting what they need because you're too worried about the pain in your stomach or too dizzy from your concussion to read their charts right or—"

"I get it." He didn't care about JD, he cared about the hospital, the patients. It was noble enough, especially for Dr. Cox. But it wasn't what JD had been hoping for. He threw away his half-eaten lunch and left Dr. Cox sitting at the table alone.

That night at Daniel's apartment, JD talked for over an hour about his relationship with Dr. Cox, about their little spats and about how much he looked up to the older doctor. Daniel didn't say much during this time, just listened and massaged JD's shoulders.

"It's like, all I've ever wanted was for him to treat me like an adult, like an equal. Or at the very least see me as a valuable member of the hospital. But even when he's actually reaching out to me, like today, he treats me like a child, and then reminds me that he doesn't give a shit about me. It's just…it's so tiring…."

Daniel 'mm-hm'ed behind him and slowly ran his hand across JD's stomach. "I am sorry about that, you know. I was pretty drunk."

JD just nodded and swallowed thickly. He still didn't understand why Daniel had been drinking that night, or the time before that, when he only ever drank ginger ale when they first met. Daniel was fairly calm now, so JD decided to try asking about it.

"So, why did you start drinking?" His voice was small and timid.

Daniel sighed behind him and stopped rubbing his shoulders. "Well, I guess old habits die hard, you know?" JD just raised his eyebrow and turned to look at him. "I used to drink a lot when I worked in Chicago. That's actually how I lost my job and my boyfriend. So I moved here and decided to stop drinking. I kept some beer in the house for you, I guess it was just too tempting."

"I'm sorry," JD replied, feeling responsible.

"Well, this way we can drink together and both get tipsy," Daniel said, smiling warmly. "Although I have a ridiculously high tolerance and yours is pretty low. I actually drank three beers before you got here, and I'm perfectly fine, right?"

He did seem normal, so JD nodded.

"Yeah, I just feel a lot more relaxed, that's all." He proved it by slowly kissing the back of JD's neck, leaving tingling trails across his skin. "Do you want a beer before we start the movie?"

Their routine barely changed throughout the next week. JD would show up and talk (although Daniel often touched him and kissed him during this part), then they would drink some beer, watch a movie (sometimes make out during the movie), and finally stumble into the bedroom and fall into bed. JD tried to have at least five beers by the time the movie was over just so that he could relax and not think about what was going on; it was so much easier when he didn't think about it. The first couple of nights he wasn't drunk enough, and when Daniel started touching him in certain places, he winced or jerked away and earned a slap or another punch to the stomach. The stomach punches always knocked the wind out of him, leaving him dizzy enough to get through the most painful part of the night.

Afterwards, JD made it a habit to shower and curl back into bed. In the morning, he let his hangover completely take over his head so that he couldn't think about anything else. He always waited until Daniel had left for work before getting out of bed; it was just another way to avoid thinking about what happened the night before. On days when he didn't work until 9 a.m. this was fine, but on his 7 a.m. days he was often an hour or two late. Fortunately, by the time he made it through work and returned to Daniel's in the evening, he was desperate enough to talk to someone that he could push everything to the back of his mind and forget the price of his friendship.

JD avoided his friends during this time; the hurt looks on Turk's face when JD turned him down night after night was too painful, and all Elliot did was whine about how depressed Turk was. He still made small talk with Carla, who seemed to be tittering between being proud of him for handling his own problems and yelling at him for hurting Turk's feelings. In the end, she didn't really say anything.

What hurt the most was Dr. Cox, physically and emotionally. Dr. Cox was true to his word: he never again asked that JD confide in him, but he still made small comments in the hallways about JD's 'boyfriend' getting in a good punch (when JD came in to work with a light bruise on one cheek or another), and he always seemed to know when JD's stomach was sore, because he would find a way to sneak up to him and 'accidentally' elbow him there. It was cruel, even for Dr. Cox, and JD wasn't sure what exactly his mentor expected him to do in return. What sort of message was torturing him supposed to be sending? Ultimately, JD just ignored him like he always did and tried not to let it get to him.

He knew that he was drawing away from his friends, and he knew it probably wasn't the best thing to do, but he didn't really have any other choice. He was only happy when he was with Daniel, and he had to keep Daniel happy in order to keep himself happy. It was really as simple as that. Except…the more time he spent with Daniel, the more miserable he felt when he was away from him. He began to eat less, to talk less with patients and nurses, and he even considered quitting work so that he could just stay with Daniel all the time. It was his safe-haven, his sanctuary to sit in Daniel's living room and feel completely at ease with everything in his life, getting more and more drunk as Daniel kissed his way down his neck. Everything else dulled as this sharpened. All he had to do was tell himself that it was worth it in the morning.


	9. Worth It

"What's wrong?"

JD stiffened; he'd thought that Daniel was asleep. In fact, he thought Daniel had been unconscious for hours.

JD sometimes couldn't sleep. Sometimes he just wasn't drunk enough, or was too sore and tired to sum up the energy to take a shower. Sometimes he just couldn't stop himself from thinking too deeply about things, and it distracted him from sleep.

Tonight, he'd lain awake for several hours, sure that Daniel was sound asleep, before, without warning, Daniel quietly asked him,

"What's wrong?"

JD turned his head to look at Daniel, afraid that he was angry. He saw mostly curiosity in his friend's eyes.

"Nothing is wrong," JD assured him, wishing he could just fall asleep.

Daniel continued softly, intimately, "You've just been laying there." He slid his hand down JD's cheek. "Do you want me to get you some pills or something? Some warm milk?"

JD shook his head and smiled. Daniel could be so wonderful sometimes. "No, I'm okay. Just thinking, I guess."

"What are you thinking about?" Daniel asked, curling onto his side to watch JD's face. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He'd been thinking about Dr. Cox, about the way his mentor had been treating him lately. It was as though the little respect that the older doctor once held for JD had been washed away since he found out about JD getting hurt. Everything that JD had worked for over the past five-years was dissolved, and he was practically in mourning now, too far gone into despair to even consider trying to regain the smallest bit of confidence that Dr. Cox once had in him. And he really wasn't ready to talk about it. He would just cry; what was the point?

"No, it's okay," JD finally replied. "I was just thinking about work tomorrow. I have a 24-hour shift, and I'm really not looking forward to it."

Daniel nodded. "I'll miss you tomorrow night," he promised, kissing JD's collarbone. "It's been so wonderful having you here every night. So comforting." His kisses moved lower, his hand sliding across JD's stomach.

No, no, not again, was all JD could think, even as his body reacted positively to the soft touches. I just want to go to sleep, just let me go to sleep. His prayers went unanswered, and Daniel rolled over and straddled his lap, kissing him deeply on the lips.

"You know," Daniel began when he paused to catch his breath, "tomorrow is Saturday. You should come over after your shift."

JD nodded, and Daniel smiled and got back to work.

JD never got back to sleep that night. When he went into work he felt like a zombie. He made his way through a routine day without talking to anyone until he sat down for lunch and Carla and Turk sat across from him.

"Bambi," Carla began, looking at him curiously, "how long has it been since you slept at the apartment?"

"Uh..."

Turk cut in, "Yeah, you weren't there this morning when I got up at five a.m.! Where have you been staying?"

"I sleep there sometimes," JD finally replied. He was surprised when his voice was soft and harsh from disuse. He'd barely even spoken to his patients all day. "I've been staying...with a friend."

Carla looked confused. "Why?" Turk nodded.

"I've just, uh..." How was he supposed to justify this one? "I...we watch a lot of movies, and it's late, so I just sleep...on the couch."

Carla blinked. "Oh." She almost seemed hurt. "Well, I really am glad to know that you have a new friend."

"You watch movies with him but not me?" Turk demanded, giving him puppy dog eyes. He lowered his voice and leaned forward. "Have you been avoiding me or something? Did I do something? Just tell me, man..."

"Turk, no, I just..." He trailed off, unsure of what to say. Carla broke back in.

"Well, can we meet your new friend?"

JD dreaded that question; whenever he imagined his friends meeting Daniel, they always realized as soon as they saw Daniel everything that had been going on, and they condemned JD for it. No, they couldn't meet.

"He's always busy," JD mumbled.

"We could all watch a movie at our apartment one night," Carla suggested.

"Yeah, we could all hang out together, right?" Turk agreed hopefully.

"He's just...it's just not a good idea." One part of JD felt bad for hurting their feelings, but another part of him wanted to say something worse to chase them away. He didn't want to hang out with them; he just wanted to spend time with Daniel. He just wanted to keep Daniel happy.

Carla sighed and let it go. She started to talk to Turk about a problem with their mini-coop, and JD zoned out while he picked pieces of bread from his hamburger bun. He hadn't been hungry lately, but he always ended up buying something for lunch out of habit. In fact, if he thought about it hard enough, it seemed as though he'd been subsisting off of beer alone for several days.

He shook his head to clear his mind; that couldn't be right. Calling through his tired mind was the fact that it really wasn't healthy to eat and drink nothing except beer for so long. He slowly tore off another piece of bread and lifted it to his mouth.

"Are you going to eat that?" Elliot asked as she slid into the seat next to him. Carla and Turk greeted her, and JD (his stomach twisting at the idea of eating any more of his burger) slid his tray in front of her. "Thanks, I'm starving. I woke up late and had to run in without breakfast."

JD smiled weakly at her, and Carla started to talk to her. Turk dug into his own burger, still looking slightly sad.

Maybe, JD thought, he could take a week off and just spend time with Daniel. Maybe if he spent enough days and hours with him, then he could spend one night with Turk. Would that make up for it? One week for one night...Daniel probably wouldn't like it, he would think that JD was abandoning him, that he'd rather be with Turk than Daniel. It wasn't true, of course; he just wanted to get rid of that disappointed look on Turk's face. But Daniel would never go for it...

"Okay, tomorrow night then," Elliot declared loudly, pulling JD from his thoughts. "We'll meet at that club, 42. I'll see you guys then, I've got to go. I'm not actually on break." She scampered off, half-eaten hamburger in one hand, and JD gave Carla a questioning look.

"Oh, we're just getting together tomorrow night," Carla explained. Her face suddenly blanched. "Do you want to come?" She asked quickly.

"No, that's okay. I already have plans." Ouch. JD never realized how much it would hurt for his friends to not beg him to hang out.

Carla looked relieved. "Sorry, we just figured...you know, since you've been spending so much time with...what was his name again?"

JD rose to go. "No, it's fine. I've got to head back to work." He left the cafeteria quickly.

It was a small thing; that's what he kept telling himself as he checked on each of his patients. He wouldn't have gone, even if they had thought to ask him. But the fact that they didn't made his heart heavy and followed him through the next several hours. Eventually, JD found himself sitting on the side of the bed of a comatose patient, heavy with exhaustion. He just wanted to settle onto Daniel's couch. He pretended to be there. There were still seventeen hours left in his shift.

"Janice, taking a little break, are we?" Dr. Cox was suddenly standing above him. "God forbid you should actually work...at work. As crazy as it sounds, it's what most of the people around here come to expect of you when you start to receive money in exchange for your services." He paused, waiting for a reply. JD slouched even lower on the bed.

JD was waiting for a poke, a prod, something to come that would cut through him like Dr. Cox had so often been doing lately. Nothing came, and JD hesitantly glanced up.

"So you are awake. Lucky me. Listen Shania, I know you probably ran into another light-weight challenger at the bar last night and got in a few pot-shots before he bopped you one-too-many, but you're just going to have to brush that off and work with me here. We've got Mr. Whitfield coming in for a follow up on his case of herpangina." He kneeled down, eye-level with JD. "You worked on it with me last time, you're working on it with me tonight. Got it?"

JD nodded, feeling a tiny flame of hope flaring inside of him. It was a chance to prove himself to his mentor once again.

Dr. Cox sighed sharply and stood again, pacing the room. "I don't know what the hell has been wrong with you lately, but you've got to get over it, alright?" He stopped in front of JD again, staring him in the eye. "You've just got to move on, got it?"

JD nodded; he could do that, he could do anything to reclaim his former relationship with his mentor. Just the fact that Dr. Cox was in the room having a real conversation with him without poking him in the ribs (literally or figuratively) was a step in the right direction.

"I'll probably really really really regret this later, but...just go back to the regular JD. Can you do that?"

He said my name, was all JD could really think about. It seems Dr. Cox was thinking along the same lines, because he quickly stood and moved away, shedding his gentle voice for an angry, demanding one.

"Right, just get over it. And get back to work." He stormed out of the room.

JD sat on straighter. His vision seemed to clear and the sounds and smells of the room intensified. Dr. Cox had used his name, probably accidentally, but that only made it more personal. He wanted JD to be like he was before. At first JD wasn't sure what he'd meant; he could barely remember when he was any different. But then he thought of when he used to hang out with his friends and play stupid pranks and make jokes...all of the stupid things that Dr. Cox hated him for. That's the way he was supposed to act. So that's the way he would be from now on.

With new determination, JD continued caring for his patients, making sure to greet each new face with a smile – a grin if he could manage it – and every time he saw Carla or Turk or Elliot he would quickly think of a stupid joke and spew it before anyone had a chance to say anything to him. It was usually a joke he'd already told – it was hard coming up with good new ones when he really didn't care – but they all laughed and rolled their eyes anyway in that familiar way JD had seen a thousand times before, a thousand jokes before.

All the while, JD kept reminding himself that he was doing exactly as Dr. Cox had asked; this was what his mentor wanted him to do, wanted him to be like. If he could just keep it up, just keep smiling away until the end of his shift – until he could get to Daniel's apartment – then maybe he could earn back Dr. Cox's respect.

It surprised JD how much he cared about what Dr. Cox thought of him; for the past couple of weeks, he'd only cared about how Daniel felt, about whether or not Daniel was upset with him or happy with him. But as he raced around with energy he didn't know his body still possessed, JD knew that if he could just make Dr. Cox proud of him, he could go home to Daniel and be truly happy. It was the one missing piece, and it was finally falling into place.

Around eight o'clock that night, Dr. Cox woke JD from a quick nap and dragged him down to Mr. Whitfield's room. They talked to the patient, ran a few tests, and (best of all) sat in Dr. Cox's office and had a few long discussions about the complications of the illness and the best ways to treat it in Mr. Whitfield. Everything was cleared from JD's mind except for medicine as he put all of his efforts into being the best doctor he could be, and at one point in the evening he even told a horrible joke – a new one – without forcing himself to. It only received Dr. Cox's cold and steady glare in exchange, but it was worth it to completely feel like himself again, to not feel weighted down by the demands of every day life.

After working for over ten hours, Dr. Cox declared it a night and told JD to head home early. He didn't say anything about how hard JD had worked, or about the way the younger doctor appeared more energetic and, well, awake than usual. But at no time during the night did Dr. Cox make a derogatory remark about him; there were no pokes, no prods, no shots at his masculinity. JD wasn't sure whether Dr. Cox was just too tired to put much effort into torturing him for so many hours, or if he really was just doing a good job, giving his mentor nothing to harass him about. Was it too much to hope for?

Either way, JD felt oddly refreshed for just getting off of an all-night shift as he hopped onto Sasha and made his way across town to Daniel's apartment.

He was two hours early, but he knew that Daniel wouldn't mind. In fact, when Daniel's tired and pillow-creased face finally answered the door, it broke into a wide grin when he realized who was standing there.

"You're early!" Daniel proclaimed, opening the door wide. "I should really make you a key. That way you could just sneak in and surprise me."

JD grinned back, tossing his backpack next to the couch and flopping down; it felt good to be home.

"I'm sorry for waking you," JD said. "Dr. Cox let me off early. We spent all night working on a herpangina patient, and I think he was really happy with me." Daniel just nodded, looking oddly surprised. "I mean, he's been kind of mean to me lately...for some reason...and I didn't think he liked me anymore."

"You didn't think...that he liked you anymore?" Daniel repeated flatly.

"Well...I thought that maybe I'd lost his respect," JD explained, suddenly feeling nervous; Daniel was giving him an odd look, an annoyed look that could quickly became angry. At least he wasn't drunk. Not that that always made a difference.

Daniel sighed, leaning against the wall next to his door. JD rose from the couch when it was obvious that Daniel wasn't going to join him.

"So let me get this straight," Daniel began. "You spend all night with this guy, even though he's been mean to you – and from what I've gathered has pretty much always been mean to you – and then come home all giddy to brag to me about how much he likes you now. Did I get it all?" JD started to say something, but was cut off by, "Oh, and I forgot how you were so disappointed because he was supposed to like manly men. Just like your other friends, he treats you like dirt! Can't you see how stupid it is for you to keep going back to someone like that?!"

JD was speechless, completely stunned.

"If he's supposed to be such an asshole, leave him the hell alone! If he only likes manly guys, he's not going to be attracted to you, so get over it! How stupid can you be, Johnny! You just have to wake up and accept that some people just aren't meant for one another!"

"But he's not-"

JD was cut off by a punch to the jaw, sending him sprawling across the back of the couch. He rose tentatively, eyes screwed shut, and carefully opened and closed his mouth, checking his lip for breaks as Daniel continued to speak.

"I don't know what to do anymore, you know? I mean, maybe it's best if you just get a different job, maybe at a different hospital. I could probably get you a job at the college, even, that way we could work together, I could look out for you and make sure things like this don't happen anymore." JD turned to look at him, listening silently. There was a small cut on his bottom lip. "I know that you're just naïve and that's not always a bad thing. But sometimes you see something in a person that isn't there; you see warmth in this older doctor that doesn't actually exist inside of him. It's all in your head and you have to understand that. Do you understand that, Johnny?"

JD nodded. A lot of people told him that. Turk used to tell him that. Dr. Cox was just an angry man who didn't care about anyone. He hadn't wanted to believe it. He still didn't want to believe it. But he didn't really have a good argument against it.

"He doesn't care about you any more than your friends do," Daniel explained. "He's just using you for kicks, watching you squirm under him. You run to do whatever he tells you, you constantly berate yourself and change yourself based on how he perceives you."

"He's a good doctor," JD quietly spoke up, even though everything inside of him was telling him to silently listen and accept whatever Daniel said. "I want to be as good as he is. I want to be like him, so I ...I emulate him. It isn't anything more than that, we're not-" He stopped abruptly when Daniel raised his fist.

"Just shut up about him!" Daniel screamed, taking several steps forward until he pressed JD up to the wall. "Stop talking about him like he's your fucking God! I'm your God now! I'm the only person who loves you in this whole world, yet you keep on going on about some guy who despises you! Can't you see how pathetic it is!? You're pathetic!" He swung and hit JD on the opposite cheek, causing his head to swing back and hit the wall hard. JD began to slide down, but Daniel hefted him up by one arm and threw him onto the living room floor.

"You're pathetic, you're weak!" Daniel cried as he kicked JD in the side over and over again. "You can't see the good thing you have right in front of your face! You run back to those bastards who don't even care about you! You don't know when to shut up! Why won't you just listen to me!? Why won't you trust me!?"

The screaming eventually faded, and JD could no longer feel the rough kicks against his ribs. He was only aware of the metallic taste in his mouth and the realization that everything Daniel said was right.


	10. Protecting You

When JD woke up again, he was on his back, and his entire midsection felt like it was on fire. He let out a strangled groan and managed to roll onto his side, curling up into a ball and holding his stomach. He didn't know whether to pass out again or throw up.

He was vaguely aware of feet moving around him: Daniel's shoes. The door to the apartment opened and closed behind him, and he did pass out again.

The next time he awoke, JD was in a bed. There was a blanket over him, but he felt way too warm. His nose was stuffed up. JD slowly rose a hand, wincing when his stomach clenched and ached, and touched his nose. His hand came back covered in dried – and fresh – blood. He coughed, sending his entire body into spasms; it hurt so much! He curled onto his side again, trying to ease his aching stomach and sides, but they still burned like he was being stabbed. Tears were rolling down his face.

After several moments of sitting as still as he possible could (still rolled up into a ball) and hardly breathing at all, the pain began to subside and he could see and hear clearly again. The door to the bathroom opened.

"You're awake," Daniel said. He was completely nude, using a towel to dry his hair and arms. "You've been asleep for hours and hours...it was so boring..."

He was slurring his words; he was probably drunk, but JD had a hard time concentrating on anything except breathing as shallowly as possible as he watched Daniel saunter across the room and climb onto the bed.

"I'm glad you're up now." He kissed JD softly on his open, tense lips. "Glad you're feeling better." Daniel caressed JD's shoulder and ran a hand down his side and up his shirt. When pushed against JD's chest, JD failed to suppress a strangled scream as he fell onto his back.

Blinded by the pain, JD subconsciously attempted to curl back onto his side, but Daniel's strong hands stopped him. He looked up into Daniel's confused eyes.

"I—I think-" It was so hard to speak when he couldn't even breathe. Daniel was starting to look annoyed; JD could still feel tears running down his cheeks. "I think I should ...maybe go...to the hospital," he finally breathed out.

Daniel was starting to look angry. "Why? You're not sick. You're not bleeding. You'll be fine, just a bloody nose." Before JD could pull together the energy to speak again, he continued, "You know I don't mean to hurt you; I just want to protect you. From yourself, from the careless people around you. I just don't want to see you disappointed by them."

JD nodded as best he could; his whole body was starting to shake from the pain in his chest that still hadn't subsided. "I think...my ribs..."

Daniel gently pulled up his shirt and he no longer looked angry. "It's just some bruises," he explained. JD couldn't see what he saw, but he felt like one or more of his ribs were broken.

Broken ribs could mean respiratory problems, could mean sharp edges cutting vital organs, the heart, lungs, could mean death. Death is a lot, death is a big thing, death is enough to go to the hospital.

"I could die," JD gasped out after debating with himself. It was worth it for people to see him hurt if it meant that he wouldn't die, right?

Daniel didn't look convinced. "You'll be fine, you just need some rest." He shook his head and rose fro the bed. "Tomorrow is Sunday. You don't have to work right?" JD shook his head. "Just stay here. I'll bring you some soup. You'll be fine by Monday."

JD closed his eyes; why wasn't the pain going away? He held his breath for as long as he could, and it helped a little. But when he finally gasped for air, a terrible stabbing pain ripped through him and blinded him again. Daniel returned a few minutes later (fully dressed) with a bowl of soup.

"Here, I'll help you," he offered, setting the bowl on the side table and gently pulling JD into sitting position. JD bit back a sob and allowed Daniel to move him. By the time he was aware of himself again, he was pretty sure he'd blacked out, because Daniel was sitting next to him offering him a spoonful of soup. JD was, of course, in no way hungry, but Daniel was in a good mood and he didn't want to ruin that. His ribs and stomach screamed as he maintained his sitting position while Daniel fed him half the bowl of soup. He passed out as Daniel helped him to lay back down.

JD woke often during the next 24-hours; any shift in position would send shock waves of pain through his ribs.

Realizing that Daniel wouldn't be taking him to the hospital was almost a relief; the decision to reveal their situation had been taken away from him. Suddenly his mind took on an alternate opinion:

It's just bruises, you're not used to pain, it feels worse than it is. Sleeping helps, sleeping cures all. Daniel knows what he's talking about.

JD dreamed as he slept about his friends. He dreamed his memories, things that really happened; but the events were bigger, exaggerated. He dreamed of being mocked, ignored, hated, abandoned by Elliot, Carla, Turk, and Dr. Cox. He dreamed of the day that Turk admitted to avoiding him because he was annoying, and when Elliot ditched him to hang out with an old friend. His unconscious mind remembered again and again Carla telling him that his abandonment was for his own good.

And every time he woke up, Daniel would be standing above him with smiling eyes, or sitting in a chair across the room reading a book. He was always somewhere nearby as if waiting for the moment when JD felt better so that he could help him out of bed and to the couch so that they could watch another scary movie.

Instead, JD slept more and woke less. When he was conscious, he felt miserably hot; his entire body ached and his mind was fuzzy and unclear. Eventually, he was completely embedded in his memories, left alone to be torn apart again and again with Dr. Cox's personalized glare. The last thing he remembered about the real world was Daniel's kind eyes flooded with worry and concern.

When JD awoke next it was morning. Panic ripped through him when he thought for a moment that it was Monday morning and time for work, but he soon realized that he was already at Sacred Heart.  
He was in a hospital bed, and Elliot was bent over him, flashing a light in his eyes.

"JD, you're awake," she said, obviously choked up. "I'm so glad. I thought I'd have to go home without talking to you."

JD opened his eyes wide, confused. He suddenly realized that he wasn't in any pain. He tried to sit up, and —ah, there it was— fire shot through his chest and sides.

"No, you can't get up," Elliot squealed, holding her hands out as if to keep him down. He dropped back onto the bed, groaning. "You had three broken ribs. JD, how did this happen?"

He opened his eyes, which had been pinched shut from the pain, and was unable to clear his head long enough to come up with a good excuse. Luckily, she kept talking, her voice wavering.

"You had three broken ribs, a broken nose, a ridiculously high fever from an infection...you were bleeding internally. You had to have surgery last night, and-"

"Last night?" JD demanded. He immediately regretted it when the words sent him into a coughing fit, which sent jolting pain through his ribs. Elliot gave him a sip of water and watched as he panted, calming. She looked like she was going to cry.

"How long have I been in here?" JD finally asked when he could breathe with relatively little pain.

Elliot took a deep breath. "Only about eight hours. Some guy found you on the street and carried you in. I've been on call all night waiting for you to wake up, but my shift ends in half an hour. JD, what happened? Did you get jumped? Why didn't you call one of us? This infection has obviously been in your system for days, and...you could have died."

Now she was crying.

"Days?" was all JD could focus on. What day was it?

Elliot nodded, wiping her eyes. "Everyone was livid when you didn't come in for your shift yesterday morning, but they just figured that you were with your new friend...whatever his name is. We didn't know that you were hurt, I swear."

JD shook his head, trying to sooth her without actually using his scratchy throat.

"Did someone kidnap you?" Elliot asked, obviously becoming hysterical. "Did they hold you hostage or drug you or threaten you? JD, tell me what happened!"

He cleared his throat and winced at the resulting jolt of pain. "I fell," he croaked, licking his chapped lips. "I fell down the stairwell...in my friend's apartment building." It wasn't your fault. It was a lot of work to talk, to think.

"I'm so sorry, JD," Elliot promised. "I wish I'd been there to help you." She looked as though she would start crying again, but then she stood and wiped her cheeks. "I have to go check on my other patients, but I'll come back and say goodbye before I leave, okay?"

JD carefully nodded. "Thank you." He winced; she noticed and turned up his morphine drip. Then she kissed him on the forehead and said, "Feel better, JD." He drifted back into sleep.

"There haven't been any problems so far with his recovery. He had some trouble talking when he woke up a little while ago, so I'd watch out for breathing complication-"  
"I'm aware of what to look out for, Barbie, so you can be on your way now."

Dr. Cox. Oh God.

Just what he needed; Dr. Cox to come by and see him beat to a pulp. At least he didn't hurt right now.

"Right, I'll just..." Elliot's voice trailed off and there was silence for a moment.

"I'll take care of him." It was whispered, but JD thought it sounded like his mentor's voice. Was that right?

When JD finally opened his eyes, Dr. Cox was staring down at him, his arms crossed and his face whiter than usual. There was a familiar glare plastered across it.

"What happened here, princess?" He returned JD's clipboard to the end of the bed and moved around to stand next to him. "You fell down a flight of stairs and miraculously landed on your face and chest...over and over again."

JD closed his eyes again. Why couldn't he just go away? Why did this have to happen? He and Dr. Cox had been doing so well before this...

You don't care what Dr. Cox thinks, he reminded himself. It was far from the truth, but Daniel's words echoed in his mind: Dr. Cox despised him, used him, watched him squirm under insult after insult.

"What really happened, Newbie? Another bar fight? New boyfriend get his panties in a twist? Don't tell me: you tripped over that inanimate dog of yours. Give me a break."

"Dr. Cox?" Carla's voice broke through JD's misery. "JD has a visitor, the man who brought him in. He wants to see how he is." Carla looked pale as well, watching JD with concerned eyes the entire time she spoke.

JD gave her a small smile, then his eyes fell on the figure standing in the hallway near the door. "Daniel?" he muttered, though he soon realized that he shouldn't have been surprised; of course Daniel brought him in.

But then Dr. Cox's head whipped around to look at Daniel, then back at JD. He maintained his composure even when his eyes filled with shock and he swallowed thickly. JD blanched when he recalled Dr. Cox overhearing his phone conversation, saying the name 'Daniel', saying that it had been his brother.

Dr. Cox was suddenly gone from the room; even Carla looked surprised. Then she entered and ran her hair through JD's hair, asking, "How are you feeling, Bambie?", and making small-talk with him as Daniel followed her in and looked around the room.

"I'll leave you two alone," Carla finally decided. She patted JD's arm and left the room, closing the door behind her.

JD visibly sank deeper into the mattress, finally able to relax. He hoped that Dr. Cox wouldn't start in on him again about who Daniel was...it was tiring enough for JD to simply stay awake when his whole body felt numb and comfortable.

Daniel smiled down at him. "Feeling better?" JD nodded. "I would have brought you more soup, but I figured they probably fed you here." He sat on the edge of the bed; JD winced when the movement tightened the blanket across his body. "So...that's Dr. Cox, huh?"

JD swallowed and nodded again, afraid of how his voice would sound. Daniel thought that he had some sort of ... crush on his mentor. He wracked his mind for ways that he could convince him otherwise.

"He's pretty hot," Daniel finally admitted, to JD's shock. "I mean, he's not my type, but I can see how he would be competition."

"H-He's not competition," JD choked out, his throat raw. "I don't like him..."

Daniel just snorted good-naturedly. "Like I can't tell." He was suddenly serious. "You know I'm only trying to protect you, right?" One hand spread against JD's chest and put the slightest pressure on his ribs. JD choked on a cry. "Because I care about you, and I love you. And when you get out of here, I'll keep you away from people like that." He was leaning in close; JD could feel his breath on his face. He wanted to tell Daniel to back away, he didn't want people to see...but it was all he could do to keep himself silent from the pressure on his broken ribs.

But Daniel didn't kiss him; he backed away, and removed his hand, and JD looked up to see Dr. Cox watching them through the window.

"I'll come back tomorrow; in fact, I'll visit you every day," Daniel promised. "I'll prove to you that you don't need them."

He left, and all JD could think was, I already know I don't need them.

Dr. Cox entered soon afterwards, just as JD was beginning to drift off. He just wanted to fall asleep; his chest was starting to hurt again and the last thing he wanted was to be made fun of again by his mentor.

But the older doctor just pulled a chair up to the side of the bed and sat, rubbing his hair, until he finally looked JD in the eyes and, pale-faced, whispered, "We need to talk."


	11. Didn't Know

"We need to talk."

JD shook his head and summoned up the strength to croak out, "No we don't." He didn't want to be there; he didn't want to hear what Dr. Cox had to say about him, about what assumptions he'd made after he put everything together. At that moment, JD just wanted to sleep.

But Dr. Cox didn't reply, not right away. He just sat with his chin in his hands, staring distantly at the floor. JD closed his eyes. If he fell asleep before Dr. Cox said anything, there was no way that his mentor would wake him up again, not while he was supposed to be recovering. But JD was too tense to relax, so he watched and waited for Dr. Cox to give him another lecture.

"JD," he finally began, shocking the younger doctor. "I...I make a lot of jokes, and I talk a lot of crap, but..." He just sat there for a few moments and JD had to wonder where he was going with this.

"I didn't know," he mumbled, not looking JD in the eye.

JD was confused and terrified; he didn't know that JD was gay? Was sleeping with a man? Was annoying enough to get the crap beat out of him by the one person who cared about him? What exactly was Dr. Cox trying to say?

His ribs were starting to really hurt. Maybe if he asked, Dr. Cox would turn up his morphine and ramble on while JD slept. Or maybe he'd beat JD over the chest with his chair until he passed out. Either way was fine, really...

"I thought... I actually believed that you were starting fights at a bar or something. I thought...well, you're a clumsy guy, and you probably get picked on once in a while. You know, since Gandhi hasn't been hanging around you lately..." He was still staring at that spot on the ground, as if it was all still coming together for him. "I even thought, maybe, that you were with a rough chick. Something consensual...." JD would have laughed at that if he weren't so tired and in so much pain. "But none of that's true, is it?" He finally looked at JD, and instead of malice or an evil glare, JD was shocked to see guilt in his expression.

"I took so many shots at you about being...hurt by..." He didn't finish, and suddenly JD knew that he knew everything.

"I don't know what you're talking about," JD said; but his voice was tiny, barely there. What would Dr. Cox do to him? Would he tell everyone?

"I swear I didn't know, Newbie." Now Dr. Cox looked like he was going to break down, and panic welled up in JD's chest, adding to the stabbing pain that was rising there.

"There's nothing going on," he assured, his voice getting higher. It was becoming hard to breath again.

Dr. Cox scooted up close in his chair, and continued quietly, "If you're being hurt by...anyone...and you need help, you have to tell me. You have to tell someone. You know that anyone in this hospital would give anything to help you."

JD closed his eyes; his mind was suddenly divided. Half of him thought immediately of his friends avoiding him when he had problems. The other half couldn't help but be reminded of his conversation with a young girl weeks before.

He shook his head, trying to smile reassuringly through his exhaustion and pain. "It's not what you think," he tried to explain, his voice rough. "He really cares about me, he just...gets upset sometimes." As soon as it left his mouth, JD realized that it had been a confession. But Dr. Cox didn't say anything; he just looked at JD like he'd never seen him before.

"You're kidding, right?" Dr. Cox's angry voice had returned. "Do you have any idea how many people I've heard that from? How many times have you heard it, Newbie? 'It's different with him,' 'He just gets upset sometimes,' 'He just drinks too much sometimes.' I thought you of all people would know better than that." He rose from the chair and the panic returned full-force in JD's chest.

"You won't tell anyone?" It was more of a plea than a question as JD's arm rose as if to stop the doctor from leaving. "Please, it's really not what it seems."

Dr. Cox turned back to look at him, still appearing angry. "You need help, Newbie, whether you know it yourself or not."

"Please!" JD cried, pain shooting through his chest. He felt the familiar beginnings of a panic attack. "I don't need help, I'm fine! I can handle it, I swear, just please don't tell them, I don't want you to tell them!" Dr. Cox was looking at him again like he'd never seen him before. "I'll do anything, I'll cover your shifts, your patients, please-"

"Newbie, calm down," the older doctor was suddenly beside the bed, gently trying to lower JD back onto the bed; apparently he'd tried to stand. "Shush, it's okay, just breathe."

Black spots appeared before JD's eyes as he gasped for breath. He tried to demand, again, but he couldn't make his voice work; he saw Dr. Cox out of the corner of his eye adjusting his morphine.

"Breathe, JD."

He did, and he slowly felt his body relax into the bed, his breathing slowed, and he could see clearly again. The pain in his chest was excruciating, but it was slowly fading with the help of the morphine and JD could only breathe and wait for the pain to go away enough for him to pass out again.

He heard the door to the room slam open and suddenly Turk was standing above him, a terrified look on his face. JD barely registered that he was talking, and winced when Turk rose his hand to touch him. Dr. Cox and Turk were talking above him, probably about him, and JD felt like he could sob if he weren't so tired; he could only hope that Dr. Cox would keep his secret quiet.

JD woke slowly, basking in the tingly numbness that ran through his body; it seemed like forever since he was conscious without being in pain.  
"'Morning, Bambi. Feeling better?" Carla asked, checking his vitals.

He nodded lazily, and then suddenly remembered the conversation with his mentor. "Where's Dr. Cox?" God, now his throat hurt again.

Carla gave him a pointed look. "His shift is over; you've been out for a while. Looks like you're completely over the infection, though." She removed the blood pressure meter from his arm and the stethoscope from her ears. "Dr. Cox wanted me to tell you that even though you fell asleep, you're conversation isn't over. What were you guys talking about?"

JD shrugged evasively and hesitated a moment. "He's ... just mad at me for missing my shift on Monday. He just wants to yell at me some more."

Carla chuckled and fiddled with the machines next to the bed. She didn't know what they'd been talking about. That meant that Dr. Cox hadn't told her; maybe he hadn't told anyone. JD was so relieved he felt good enough to get out of bed, but stopped when a slight twinge of pain ran through his ribs at the thought. Maybe I'll just stay a while longer.

"When can I leave?" he asked, pretty much already knowing the answer. But he was feeling good and he wanted to talk to someone.

"Well," Carla began, giving him a reassuring smile, "as long as the infection is taken care of, you can leave as soon as you feel comfortable enough to walk around. You'll have to have someone help you around the house, though..." She suddenly appeared uncomfortable. "Of course, Turk and I would be willing to stay with you in shifts-"

"No, it's okay," JD cut in quickly. "I can stay with ... my friend."

Carla nodded, looking conflicted. "So, that must have been quite a fall," she said, trying to lighten the mood. "Are you sure someone didn't kick the crap out of you when you hit the bottom?" She chuckled awkwardly, and JD gave her a weird look; maybe Dr. Cox had been talking. "Okay, that was in bad taste. Dr. Cox was pretty adamant earlier in believing that you were hiding something. I guess he dropped it when he talked to you."

JD swallowed thickly and nodded. "Yeah." Why did he have to be so demanding? What am I going to do?

"Well, anyway, you have a visitor today. It's the same guy from yesterday, the one who found you. He's been waiting for you to wake up." She rose to go, then turned back, and asked curiously, "Do you two know each other from somewhere else?"

He hesitated in telling her a blatant lie. He finally settled on, "Not really," and she left to find Daniel.

When she returned with Daniel (who looked pleasantly innocent beside her), Carla's pager went off and she seemed confused by the message.

"What is it?" JD asked, really only wanting her to leave so that he could relax and talk to Daniel.

Carla furrowed her brows. "It's Dr. Cox. I don't know what that man could want. I'd better go call him." She smiled politely at Daniel and exited the room, closing the door behind her.

"You look a lot better today," Daniel commented, sitting gently on the edge of the bed. It only prickled slightly when the blanket wrapped tighter around JD's chest.

"I feel better. Carla says my infection is gone, so I guess I'm not sick anymore."

Daniel nodded happily. "When can you come home? I've missed you." He picked up JD's hand and kissed it softly. JD felt his entire face turn red; he glanced around quickly to see that no one was paying attention to his room. "What, are you still embarrassed about me, Johnny?" JD spun his head back to Daniel, but his friend looked more amused than upset.

"I'm not embarrassed." Another blatant lie, and Daniel knew it.

"Come on, I know you better than that." He still appeared perfectly calm and happy.

JD sighed. "I just...don't want everyone knowing about us, because...it would change the way they see me at work." He wasn't quite sure what he said was the truth, but it sounded good to his own ears. Hopefully, Daniel would feel the same.

Daniel's smile seemed to grow. "I thought you might feel that way. Listen, I wasn't going to tell you until you got out of here, but I got you a job working at the college."

He paused waiting for a reaction, but JD was speechless.

"It's pays a little less than you get now, but you don't have to work crazy hours anymore. And you don't have to work with a bunch of assholes. In fact, it's mostly paperwork and filing and things like that: office work. It's even in my department, so we could see each other all the time."

JD felt his entire face burning red as he replied, "I like my job."

Daniel just stared at him.

"I want to be a doctor."

JD realized his mistake when he was backhanded across the face.

"Johnny...you don't know what you want, you're so messed up right now," Daniel frantically reassured him. He was standing now. "I'm going to take care of you, remember?"

"It's the meds," JD murmured. His head must have been all fuzzy from the morphine to say such stupid things. But the sinking feeling wouldn't go away; he didn't actually want to leave his job.

"God, we need to get you out of here," Daniel declared, sitting back down and retaking JD's hand. "How long did you say it would be?"

JD shrugged a little. "Until I can walk around."

"Are your legs hurt?" Daniel seemed skeptical.

"No, my ribs...they can't really take the pressure right now. I'll be good, maybe in a couple of days." He knew, though, that he wouldn't be fit for physical activity, or work, for several weeks after that. "I'll come home then."

Daniel smiled sweetly at him, and was bending down close just as Carla entered the room. Daniel backed away innocently and JD begged his face to turn back to its normal color.

"JD," Carla began, looking flustered. "Dr. Cox has requested that you don't have any visitors until he gets back on duty at nine. I told him that Mr...um..." She looked at Daniel expectantly.

"Jackson," he offered.

"I told him that Mr. Jackson was already here visiting, so he said he'd be coming in early. He's on his way." She seemed bewildered by her own news. Daniel just looked furious.

"I can't believe this," Daniel said sharply under his breath. Carla looked at him apologetically.

"I'm sorry, sir. Dr. Cox can be...oddly demanding at times." She put a hand on his arm. "But we all appreciate what you did for JD; you saved his life by bringing him in here."

"JD, yeah," Daniel replied, giving JD an odd look. "I'll just go and come back tomorrow. During the famous Dr. Cox's shift." He gave JD one last annoyed look and left without saying goodbye.

Carla sighed. "Sorry about this JD. I don't know what Dr. Cox thinks he's doing cutting you off from visitors; other than Mr. Jackson, the only people visiting you already work here anyway."

JD tried to smile nonchalantly, but his face still felt like it was beet red. "It's no big deal."

"Do you feel awake enough to have more visitors?" Carla asked hopefully. "Turk gets out of surgery in fifteen minutes and he'll be thrilled to hear you're awake. Think you can stay awake that much longer?"

She was smiling at her own joke, but JD's mind was elsewhere. "Dr. Cox is going to be here soon?"

Carla's smile faded when she saw the fear in JD's eyes. "So he'll give you another lecture, so what?" she told him. "You've been yelled at by Dr. Cox a million times before, and it'll happen a million more times." She narrowed her eyes at him. "You used to enjoy it. Why is this any different?"

He smiled awkwardly and shook his head. "It's no different. I guess I'm just not feeling up to it today. But yeah, I'd love to see Turk later." Carla left and JD was left alone to dread Dr. Cox's visit.

He basted in his fear all during Turk's visit. It seemed like forever since he and Turk had had a real conversation – it had only been about two weeks – and their conversation was stiff and painfully long. Turk kept trying to make light jokes, but he never took his eyes off of JD's bandages, the bruises on his face, the beeping monitor beside the bed. JD tried to respond and make jokes of his own, but his mind was completely filled with the dread of Dr. Cox's imminent visit and Daniel's bubbling anger.

"So," Turk began after a long, awkward silence, "I bought a box-set ofGood Times, but you know how Carla doesn't like to watch television for more than a few hours at a time, so I need someone to watch it with me. Whaddya say?"

The hopeful and afraid expression on Turk's face made JD want to shoot himself. He couldn't stand to see his friend like this.

"Sure I'll watch it with you," JD told him, hoping with all his heart that he could somehow find time to spend a day with Turk. Maybe when he was stuck at home and bored while Daniel was at work...maybe he could get away for a while.

Turk's face lit up. "Feel better soon, man. I love you."

JD grinned back at him. It feel oddly satisfactory to hear that.

Even though JD knew that Dr. Cox had to have been in the hospital from around eight a.m., JD wasn't visited by him the entire time he was awake. JD was mostly relieved by this, but he also felt neglected as a patient. Eventually his ribs started aching and he called a nurse in to up his morphine a bit. He eventually fell into an uncomfortable sleep.


	12. Just to Talk 2

"…usually isn't afraid of getting yelled at; take it easy on him, he's injured."

"Yeah."

"What, no cocky remark? No, 'He's my Newbie and I'll do with him as I please,' today? What were you guys talking about that day, anyway? Turk said JD was pretty panicked."

"Yeah, well maybe you shouldn't listen to everything Gandhi says and ignore me when I say I can handle it, leave."

"Psh, somebody's got their panties in a bunch. No need to get so defensive." Carla's voice faded away as JD's mind caught up with his hearing and returned to consciousness. He felt groggy, but completely without pain; the start to a great day. Now, as long as Dr. Cox had left with Carla….

"Good morning, Sunshine."

No such luck.

JD frowned and pried his eyes open to his brightly lit room and the sunlight reflecting off of Dr. Cox's pristine white lab coat. He felt like he could lay there forever just staring at nothing; it was so nice not to be sick or in pain. But pushing to the front of his mind was the reminder that Dr. Cox would most likely want to talk to him about…everything.

"Since you've been incapacitated," Dr. Cox began, casually falling into the chair next to JD's bed, "your patients were divided amongst the remaining residents and a few attending, so I'm sure you'll have a great 'Welcome Home' party thanks to that." He propped his feet on the side of the bed and sighed, flipping open a chart. "This morning a patient was readmitted and asked specifically for you. Her name is Jenna Foler, age thirteen, admitted two weeks ago with a gash on her forehead and a mild concussion. The attending on call also noted bruising on her upper arms. A Dr. Dorian referred her to an on-call child psychologist when he suspected child abuse, but nothing was determined and she was released a few hours later."

JD closed his eyes, remembering specifically the hard look on the girl's face, and the tear rolling down her cheek.

"Miss Foler was admitted early this morning with a gash on the temple and three broken fingers, all of which have already been treated." He paused in his reading to look at JD. "She's fine," he grunted. For now, JD added in his head. "As are the rest of your patients except the ones we gave to Nervous Guy, if you were curious." He tossed the chart onto the table and put his feet on the floor. "Now, just out of curiosity, what gave you the idea that that patient was being abused, hm? Maybe it was your Godly-doctor powers that magically know everything about a patient's personal life. Or maybe she had signs of old and new injuries, a nervous tick perhaps. Or maybe you realized that it's just that easy to tell when some people are hiding something."

JD opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off when his mentor continued.

"And when you decided that this patient was possibly being injured on a regular basis by someone close to her, did you just figure, 'Hey, people get angry sometimes and punch something, it's just the way life is,' or did you try to get her help? As, as a doctor, what did you do? As a human being, what did you do?"

It was different with her, she's just a child.

Dr. Cox stood and began pacing the small room. "One person injuring another on a regular basis is considered abuse; in a relationship, it's domestic abuse."

JD couldn't keep quiet any longer. "We're not in a relationship," he spat, his voice rough.

The older doctor stopped and looked squarely at JD. "According to Carla, you've been there almost every night for the last week at least." JD felt his face began to burn with embarrassment and anger. Dr. Cox seemed distraught. "Are you sleeping with him?"

JD's eyes widened in terror, and he finally replied, "I'm not gay!"

Dr. Cox hesitated. "That wasn't what I asked, was it?"

Sputtering, searching frantically for an answer, JD could only look away and say, "I don't know what you're talking about, and I really don't want to be having this conversation right now."

His mentor returned to his bedside seat and told him, "Well that's really too bad, Newbie, because we're having this conversation right now."

"I mean, what do you even care!" JD ranted. "You don't give a shit about my life, my problems. Sorry to disappoint you, but digging up dirt and gossip is not part of the whole doctor-patient relationship. You said so yourself that you weren't going to ask me about it again. So, I'm sorry that some people had to take on more work because of me. But, I mean, this way you won't have to worry about me following you around or not being able to read a chart because of a concussion…." His voice became softer and he stared at the ceiling. "I think I got a different job anyway, at the college where Daniel works. It will be better there."

"How will it be better?" His voice had become just as soft as JD's.

"It will be easier, I won't know anyone, just him."

They sat in silence. Through the fog of his pain medication JD felt pure need swelling up in his stomach; he wanted so badly to talk to someone about what had happened –about everything that had happened – but at the same time he knew that Dr. Cox would only mock him and use the information against him.

JD's mind wandered to Jenna; he'd wished so hard that he could help her more, but she was stubborn. His efforts obviously led to nothing if she was back in the hospital. He remembered the night after he'd spoken with her, the night he didn't go see Daniel. He'd never felt so horrible in his life during the three days that followed; his mind was always on Daniel, and all he'd wanted was some comfort….

"I just wanted someone to talk to."

When JD realized that he'd spoken, he whipped his head around to see Dr. Cox staring back at him from the chair.

The older doctor lowered his hands from his mouth to quietly reply, "After I bugged you about it three times?"

JD just shook his head and looked back at the ceiling. "You didn't care. You were just curious. You were waiting for me to screw up so that you could bite my head off, release some stress, whatever."

Dr. Cox sort of shrugged. "I didn't know."

They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Dr. Cox asked, "Did he…rape you?"

The words made JD even more angry and afraid. He set his face hard and replied, "Of course not." Leave it at that, just leave it at that. But his mentor was waiting patiently for more, and he just kept talking. "The first time I was drunk, it wasn't his fault," he explained hastily. Dr. Cox looked like he was about to throw up. God, why did I say that?

But the older doctor eventually looked back at him and asked, "And after that?"

It was gray after that. Hell, it was all gray. JD honestly didn't know how to answer. "We take care of each other, that's all. I talk to him about everything; he knows me better than anyone."

"Better than Gandhi?"

JD nodded. "Daniel is my best friend."

"And you're, what, his fuck-toy?"

JD stared at him, shocked.

"I won't allow him to be in here anymore," Dr. Cox announced, standing. "You may be just idiotic enough to not realize what's going on here, but I'm not blind, and he's not coming in here."

JD unfroze to proclaim, "But that's not fair! He's my friend!"

"Now, you listen to me," Dr. Cox began, spinning around and getting up close to JD's face, his own red with fury sending panic down JD's spine. "You're lucky I'm not calling the cops on that guy because we could probably put him away for attempted murder. Gandhi is your friend. Barbie is your friend. Carla is your friend. The guy who raped you and put you in the hospital is not your friend! Are we on the same page yet, because I actually have other patients, some of whom are actually smart enough to listen to the things I say."

He stormed out of the room, and JD started to breathe again. He should be used to seeing Dr. Cox so angry, but the way he was screaming and so close to JD's body scared the shit out of him; he kept expecting a punch to the stomach.

Why the hell had he actually talked about those things?! Now Daniel wasn't allowed in his room, probably not even in the hospital. Oh, he would be pissed, especially when he realized that Dr. Cox was the one who gave the orders. What would he do? JD closed his eyes as the ideas raced through his mind. Maybe he could get out tomorrow; all he had to do was be able to walk around a little.

Slightly encouraged by the thought, JD used his arms to prop up his upper body and tried to swing his legs over the side of the bed. After only a few seconds he was completely exhausted; there was no pain, but if he had enough pain killers in him to keep him this dysfunctional, he could only imagine how much it would hurt when they wore off.

Okay, maybe he'd rest a couple more days.

The clock on the wall outside his room told him that it was ten in the morning. Daniel said he'd be back some time during Dr. Cox's shift today, which was probably 9 a.m. to 9 p.m., so he could be there any time. God, he just wanted to see Daniel, to talk to him and tell him that he would be home soon, that he would be happy to take the job at the college; that would make his friend really happy.

JD zoned out in his bed for a while, trying to think of a way to make Daniel less angry about being banned from seeing him. Turk stopped by to visit around noon, and he was carrying gifts.

"It must really suck to be all cooped up in here all day, so I brought some entertainment," Turk explained excitedly; he seemed perfectly fine with the fact that his best friend was stuck in a bed and forced to interact with him.

He brought in Rowdy and sat him awkwardly in the chair next to JD's bed. "Here's someone to talk to." He then put a flat, metal and glass disc onto the bedside table and crawled around on the floor until he found an outlet. "And here's something that can talk back."

"Talk back?" JD asked curiously, intrigued at his friend's gift.

Turk clicked a switch on the side of the disc and emphasized each word when he said, "In. Fact. It. Loves. When. You. Talk." Much to JD's amusement, the disc lit up at each word.

"Wow," JD commented, grinning widely when the disc lit up at his voice. "It. Likes. Noise?" He giggled lightly.

Turk nodded. "Yup, just turn it off when you want to sleep so that it doesn't flash and wake you up every time someone opens the door."

"Trust me, with the pain killers they've got me on, I won't notice a thing." The little device flashed blue as he spoke, filling his heart with joy. "What a great present."

"I also brought…." Turk fished around in his coat pocket for a moment before pulling out a small paper bag. "Goldfish. 'Cuz they smile at you."

JD grinned and laughed out loud. "Turk, this is awesome. This is like, the best hospital stay I've ever had."

"Hey, just trying to keep my boy happy," Turk shrugged, patting JD on the shoulder. "And I would totally stay and hang out with you, but my shift started ten minutes ago."

"Yeah, sure man, go."

Turk gave him a big smile and flew out of the room.

JD turned to look at Rowdy and the glass disc, clutching the bag of Goldfish in one hand. "Hi," he greeted Rowdy, smiling when the disc flashed blue. He opened the bag and munched on the Goldfish crackers for a while, feeling oddly at peace.


	13. Keep Me Here

JD felt that familiar stab of panic shoot through his stomach when he felt hands moving up his chest. His eyes snapped open, pain killers quickly seeping from his body leaving him entirely lucid. Daniel was straddling him on the bed and slowly pulling the blanket down, touching JD's body through the hospital gown along the way.

"Daniel?" JD muttered; he was sure that Dr. Cox wouldn't have allowed him inside the room. It was dark, probably the middle of the night, but whoever was on-call should have gotten strict orders from Dr. Cox. "What are you doing here?"

Daniel slowly kissed his way down JD's jaw and neck, letting his hands move further down, under the blanket. "I wanted to visit you. I missed you." When his hands reached the edge of the gown, he quickly yanked it up.

"Woah, woah!" JD cried, trying desperately to push his gown back down. "What are you doing!? We're in a public place, we can't be doing thi—"

Daniel backhanded him across the face, something he seemed to be forming a habit of lately, and pinned JD's hands up above his head. JD cried out as pain shot through his ribcage, but Daniel ignored; instead he roughly lifted JD's left leg, practically lifting his entire body off of the bed. JD's panic spiked when he realized what was happening. His thoughts ran frantic: I'm not even drunk, we're in the hospital, anyone could see us, I'm not ready, why won't he stop!

Suddenly Daniel was naked, preparing to enter him...

JD screamed out loud, sitting up quickly and causing distant pain to rock through his ribcage. Someone was beside him, touching his shoulders, trying to hold him down but he resisted and pulled away, ignoring the pain that the movement caused.

"JD, calm down!"

The hands were freezing and the voice was sharp and high. Elliot.

JD relaxed almost instantly when he realized who it was, sinking back onto the hard bed and wincing as his sporadic breathing irritated his aching chest.

"Elliot?" he whispered, finally daring to open his eyes. His blond, neurotic friend was leaning over the bed, obviously terrified.

"Oh my God, you were thrashing and yelling and I didn't know if something was wrong or if you were just having a dream but you really freaked me out, JD!" she squealed, falling into the visitor's chair.

JD breathed for a moment. "It was a dream," he admitted, barely able to separate his current situation with that of the nightmare. It was because of he knew; hearing it said out loud that what Daniel did actually was rape...JD accidentally started thinking of it that way, too.

Elliot was saying something. JD didn't even try to hear her; he was focusing on clearing his head, trying to make the panic and fear of the dream go away before he did something stupid, said something stupid.

It wasn't rape, that's ridiculous, it's no big deal, he cares about me...He repeated the words over and over again randomly in his head until he'd calmed down enough to hear that Elliot was complaining about Dr. Cox.

"...completely switched my schedule around, and probably Carla's too, so that someone could be here at all times to look after you. I mean, it's a nice sentiment coming from someone who is supposed to hate your guts or whatever, but what does he expect is going to happen? You're almost healed. You can probably get out of here within the next couple of days. Plus, he keeps making up random rules like no one being able to visit you unless he's on-call, and now he's decided that the guy who pretty much saved your life isn't allowed to visit you anymore. I mean, come on, he's getting a little possessive if you ask me."

JD breathed slowly and asked, "Did he mention why?"

"Why the guy isn't allowed to see you?" She shrugged, now completely relaxed in her chair. "He just said that no one knows anything about him, and that he's a security risk, which is total bull; he just wants complete control over the whole situation. It's driving me crazy working all of these nights. I don't have a social life anymore, JD!" she whined. "I mean, I have to go into work every day at nine at night; do you have any idea how annoying that is?"

"Sorry," JD told her. He wasn't really; he couldn't work up the energy to feel bad that she had weird work hours because of him. His mind was completely torn between anger that Dr. Cox would try to control his life this way and fear at his dream and what would happen the next time he and Daniel were together...no, Daniel knew that he needed alcohol before they did anything. He would never betray him like that. The idea of it was terrifying.

Elliot stayed in his room chatting amiably (which JD remained mostly silent) for the last hour of her shift. JD saw her talking with Dr. Cox after she left his room; the older doctor did not appear to be in high spirits, and JD thanked his lucky stars when he merely glared at him and did not enter his room.

Turk didn't work that day, but he wheeled in a cart with a television and DVD player around 10 a.m. and they watched several hours of Good Times, sometimes laughing hard enough to make JD's ribs scream in pain. There were happy tears streaming down his cheeks when an alarmed nurse came in to check on him and he found out, to his disappointment, that he had been taken off of morphine earlier that morning. The nurse gave him some strong pills and suggested that Turk cut his visit short.

JD laughed painfully as she left the room. "Man, I feel like my chest is going to cave in, but it was worth it."

His friend looked down at him fondly. "I'm glad," he replied. He packed up the DVD's and was just giving Rowdy a bear-hug goodbye when when yelling from the hall caught the attention of both men.

Through the window, JD could see Dr. Cox – red-faced and glaring –being yelled at by an equally angry-looking Daniel. JD felt as though time slowed; there was a ringing in his ears and his whole body flashed with heat. He knew that Daniel would be pissed about not being able to see him until he got out, but he never thought that he would be in the middle of the hospital screaming down the hall...who knows what? Daniel could be saying anything, revealing anything to get him into the room.

JD's mind returned to real-time when Daniel shoved Dr. Cox, causing him to unfold his arms and take an angry step forward. Turk was looking at JD oddly; he asked him a question, but JD barely heard it. He stood, his mind not registering the shocking pain running through his body, and walked to the door. Turk tried to stop him, confused, without touching him, but JD left the room just as Dr. Cox threw a punch to Daniel's jaw.

Daniel went flying, slamming into the wall and shooting back up to rejoin the fight. A small crowd of staff members had gathered around the two, including Dr. Kelso who was demanding that Dr. Cox desist in his erratic behavior. Neither man took any notice of it.

"Daniel," JD said, finally catching their attention. JD winced when Daniel's eyes met his, images of his nightmare attacking his mind once again. "Daniel stop. What are you doing?"

"I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago," Daniel proclaimed, his jaw dripping blood. "I'm taking care of the asshole that keeps coming in between us, because you obviously can't deal with it on your own!"

"Don't you fucking talk to him." Dr. Cox's voice was dark and quiet. JD couldn't believe what was happening. He looked around at the crowd; they were all looking at him, some with curiosity, others with disdain or disgust.

"What did you say?" JD demanded, stepping toward Daniel and in-between the two men. "What did you say to them? Outloud? In the middle of everyone?" He couldn't believe that he was talking to Daniel this way, but he couldn't stop himself from feeling cold and angry at the idea that everyone knew.

"Newbie, get back in your room," Dr. Cox demanded from behind him. Daniel just looked at him with anger and hatred and a little pity.

"I've called security, so break it up you ingrates!" Dr. Kelso called out. No one moved.

Finally, JD heard Dr. Cox take a step back. "You won't touch him while he's under my care," he said quietly, his voice stiff with anger.

But the same emotion flashed through Daniel's eyes as he took a step forward, fist swinging, and JD closed his eyes and stepped back with him, allowing Daniel's knuckles to aim for and hit his own cheek, knocking him back against Dr. Cox.

JD blacked out for several moments, then groggily opened his eyes to see two large security officers escorting Daniel down the hallway. There were large arms around his chest, holding him a little too tightly. A hand suddenly entered his vision and he flinched away from it, closing his eyes and waiting for another hit to come. Then Turk was looking down at him, confused and concerned, and the strong arms started to make his ribs ache so he groaned and tried to remove the arms, but they were too tight around him and he couldn't lift his own arms. Flashes of the nightmare sent shockwaves of panic through him; he began to hyperventilate, tried to get up, even after the arms went away and nurses swarmed around him, hands on him, lifting him onto a gurney. He finally passed out.

JD awoke several hours later. His groggy mind semi-cleared, he slowly recalled the events of the fight and felt his face blanch at the idea of everyone knowing about his relationship, everyone witnessing him being hit like that, passing out like that... If only he could go to Daniel now; they could help one another, comfort one another, talk until everything was out in the open and there is no more to be said...that was all he wanted.

After taking a few deep breaths, JD slowly sat up, pleased when he was able to manage the pain that racked through his chest; the pills must have been working. He moved his legs to the side of the bed and carefully slid to the edge. And then he stood. There was pain, yes, a lot of pain coursing through him as he stood beside his hospital bed. But he would ignore it if it meant going home to Daniel and forgetting about this place forever. He took a step, and then another. As he stood, regaining his breath, the door to the room opened and closed, and the lock clicked.

"That wasn't too smart back there, Priscilla. Getting in the middle of a fight between two men." Dr. Cox stood by the door, chart under his folded arms, and stared at JD. "But then you never were too bright."

"I'm leaving," JD told him.

Dr. Cox shook his head. "No." He moved into the room, placing the chart at the end of the bed.

"I can stand up. I can walk." He held his arms out at his sides in proof. "There's no reason for me to stay here any longer. I'm leaving."

His former-mentor didn't dispute him this time. "Your boyfriend is at the police station right now." JD stilled, waiting for more without looking at Dr. Cox. "Causing a disturbance in a public place, attacking a physician and assaulting a patient. He'll probably be in for a couple of days until he can post bail. Unless you press charges for the assault. But that's not going to happen is it?"

JD felt his heart sink; Daniel wouldn't be at home, and when he did come home he wouldn't be happy.

"You'd might as well stay here for a few more days, Newbie," Dr. Cox continued, his voice becoming softer. "Spend time with your friends and co-workers. They can help you through this."

JD scoffed. "I don't need help with anything. Certainly nothing that they can help me with."

"Right, because during the last few days you've just been peachy keen even without that girlfriend of yours bringing gifts and giggling with you." He gestured toward the disc on the nightstand, and JD wondered momentarily why it wasn't lighting up. Nurse must have turned it off.The thought made him sad before he gathered his resolve and turned toward the older man.

"You don't get it yet, do you?" he demanded. "I don't care about them anymore. I don't care about you." The words made even his blood run cold, but Dr. Cox just looked at him evenly. "I just want to talk to Daniel. I just want to go home!

"Can't you see that you've ruined everything? It was fine until you started pushing him away from me! I could have seen him every day, and left the hospital with him, and gone home with him! And everything would have been fine if you hadn't screwed it all up!"

Dr. Cox gave him a sad smile. "You can't blame this on me, Newbie."

JD was becoming more frantic; he sat on the edge of the bed to calm himself. "You're right, it's my fault. I'm the one who couldn't keep my mouth shut, couldn't go one day without talking to someone about it, even when he was visiting me all the time. God, I'm such an idiot." He put his head in his hands, ignoring his ribs protesting the position.

"Lay back down, JD."

Dr. Cox had moved to stand in front of him. He was surprised to hear his name coming from that mouth, but it wasn't enough to make him look up or obey.

"Lay back down," Dr. Cox repeated, making no move to force the issue, "and stay another day or two. Spend time with Gandhi and Barbie and Carla. Just...forget about him for a while, then see what happens."

His voice was pleading; he was practically begging in a quiet way. JD finally looked up to see a face of stone looking back at him.

"I don't owe you any favors," JD reminded him, as if he didn't already know.

Dr. Cox's mask never flickered. "I know. Maybe you owe him." He jerked his head and JD turned to see Turk standing outside of his window at the nurse's station; he was leaning against the counter, sending worried glances back at the room every few moments. JD quickly looked away.

"Maybe you owe the doctor who's been sitting next to your bed every chance she gets while you're sleeping at night. Or the nurse who's been visiting all of your patients every day to reassure them that they don't have to worry because you'll be back soon."

His friends actually still cared about him; JD shut his eyes tightly when they began to well up with tears. "I don't know what to do," he muttered to himself. He wanted so badly to go home, to get away from them all. But for the first time in weeks he also wanted to return to his normal life. He loved the time he'd spent with Turk the last few days; that was how it used to be.

"Just stay a few more days."

JD nodded before another thought occurred to him. "They all know," he realized aloud, horrified.

"No," Dr. Cox assured him, understanding exactly what JD was getting at. "Rumors are spreading; no one believes them. He was vague."

JD looked up into Dr. Cox's eyes. "I can leave when he gets out of jail?"

Dr. Cox swallowed thickly; he looked like he wanted to punch something. Then he nodded.


	14. Not Now

Only moments after downing a few more extra-strength Tylenol, JD was once again fast asleep in his hospital bed; walking around that day had exhausted him. But hours later JD burst awake again and again, once at 11 p.m., and again at 2 and 5 in the morning. Over and over the nightmares plagued him, causing him to jerk as he tried futilely to escape Daniel's rough and angry hands, his forceful body. Sometimes Elliot was there when he awoke, watching him worriedly but not interfering; only offering reassuring words as he drifted back off. Why wouldn't the dreams stop?

When he shot awake at 8 a.m. after being trapped, helpless, between Daniel and the door to the janitor's closet, JD gave up on falling back asleep. He was exhausted, but the sun was shining and he resolved himself to remain awake for as long as he could; perhaps he could find another topic to dream about.

He had to use the bathroom.

Having successfully walked on his own twice the day before, JD decided not to call a nurse and instead slowly raised his tired body off the bed and onto his feet. Most of his body was weak from disuse, and felt numb as he hobbled to the bathroom; but his ribs felt like they were cutting through his skin, and he used more of his lacking muscle strength just to keep his upper body as still as possible on the trip. But he made it.

There was a mirror above the sink in the bathroom. JD was shocked at what he saw.

His hair fell flat, stringy, above tired bloodshot eyes and a cut along the bridge of his nose. His face was pale, thin, stiff from the pain in his ribs; it barely looked like him at all. He looked exhausted. No wonder Turk had had such trouble sitting with him at first, when he looked this bad….

He turned away, shooing the thoughts away from his mind, and walked back to his bed without assistance. His image had shaken him; he could only hope that he'd looked worse three days ago.

JD lay in his bed, his eyes heavy with fatigue, and wished that someone would come in the room and talk to him. He didn't particularly have anything to say; he was just lonely, and he wanted desperately that he wouldn't fall asleep and have another dream. He was slightly disappointed when Elliot stopped by briefly around nine only to wave a cheery goodbye. Dr. Cox spoke with her for a moment outside the door, but did not enter the room.

After a while, JD wasn't unable to stop himself from dozing off, so he jolted awake when Carla entered the room.

"I didn't mean to scare you," she said apologetically, appearing ruffled. "I just thought I'd come visit you before my shift."

JD relaxed into the bed and nodded; he hadn't had a nightmare during his brief nap, and he was grateful that his friend woke him up before one could start.

"How did you sleep?" Carla asked conversationally. She dropped into the chair by the bed; JD got the feeling that she wasn't entirely comfortable.

But he replied, "Fine thanks," his voice slightly rough from sleep, and smiled at her, encouraging her to converse with him. "How has the hospital been without me?"

She laughed, relaxing slightly. "Your patients all miss you, of course, especially Mrs. Merrick. She told me she needs someone who knows how to flirt back, which is a little disturbing."

JD grinned. "Did she come on to you? She can be a little too friendly."

Carla nodded, feigning exasperation. "And a little handsy. But I kind of miss it now that her blood cultures came back. Since she found out about the cancer, she's been much quieter. I almost miss the random gropes."

JD stilled. He hadn't known that she'd been diagnosed with cancer; she only came in with mild chest pain. He suddenly felt as though he'd abandoned her. Carla didn't seem to notice the change in him and continued to speak about the goings on of the hospital.

"Mr. Hamilton died two days ago, of course everyone already saw it coming but his family was still in an uproar when we couldn't resuscitate him the last time. Miss Wilkins has been complaining about Dr. Cox, which isn't surprising at all; she's a little too sensitive for his attitude, they just don't mesh well." She went on to list the patients he'd been treating who were released as well as all those who'd been transferred or passed on. "But all of your patients miss you, and they all want to know when you'll be back." She smiled down on him in very motherly way.

"I'll probably be okay for work in a month or so," JD quietly told her before his brain could catch up and scream at him for forgetting that he would soon be working with Daniel. More conflicting feelings; JD greatly wanted to get back to his patients; he wanted to be there for Mrs. Merrick.

"I tell them all that you had an accident and you're resting up." She gave him a strange look, waiting for a reply. "Of course, most of them don't know about the issue with…Daniel."

JD looked at her hard. "What issue?" He failed to keep his voice light. His mind was panicking, knowing that Dr. Cox told everyone.

"The fight in the hallway?" she explained carefully. "The man was arrested, but the whole thing was never really explained. He was here to visit you, right? Why did Dr. Cox ban him from your room? Why did he try so badly to get in anyway?" Her voice rose as she gained confidence, and her questions acquired an air of authority. "And why has Dr. Cox been so adamant about protecting you and keeping you here even though you're healed enough to walk? I know that something is going on here, so you don't need to keep keeping it a secret from everyone."

"There's nothing going on," JD assured her; he was both relieved and anxious about what she was saying; she obviously didn't know anything, but she was determined to figure it out.

"Daniel – Mr. Jackson – said something strange yesterday." She was now standing, pacing the room, hands on her hips. "He said that Dr. Cox kept coming between you, had been coming between you for some time. Why would he say that if you'd only met him this week?" JD kept his mouth firmly closed and felt a headache coming on. " He's your friend, right? The one you've been spending time with instead of me or Turk or Elliot. The one you've been practically living with the past week." She sighed, finally stopping her pacing. "Who is he? What did he have to do with you being in here? That's all I want to know, Bambie."

JD shook his head. "H-he has nothing to do with it. He brought me here, helped me. He's my friend." That much was okay to admit, right? He would have to watch what he said, because Dr. Cox had certainly figured out a lot from very little.

Carla nodded and sat back down in the chair. "I'm just worried about you; we all are. I mean, there are these rumors going on because of what he said, and it hurts to hear them."

"What rumors?" God, he didn't want to hear them because what if they were true?

Carla sighed and shrugged. "Something about… you cheating on that man with Dr. Cox. Ridiculous things that no one would believe if they'd ever met you or Dr. Cox. But...you can see how they'd come to that conclusion."

She paused, waiting for some kind of reply. JD couldn't think of anything to say, didn't want to say anything for fear of giving himself away. He was so tired of blocking his speech like this.

"How has Elliot been?" he finally asked. "Night shifts must be tough on her."

Carla gave him an evil look. "She gets by. Now come on, I'm tired of playing nice. What's going on?"

He started to say something, then closed his mouth, deciding against it. He tried again, but gave up, shrugging.

"You can't keep secrets, Bambie," Carla informed him. "I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to find out." She rose to go. "In the meantime, I have never seen Turk happier than he has been this week. Which is kind of messed up considering his best friend is in the hospital, so…keep doing what you're doing."

That was an easy request; JD honestly loved spending time with Turk, and he gave an authentic grin when his friend finally arrived to visit him later in the afternoon. They joked and laughed and played with Rowdy. JD momentarily wished that he could invite Turk to hang out with him and Daniel, then realized quickly that that wouldn't work. At the thought of Daniel, brief flashes of his nightmare, of helplessness and pain, flashed before JD's eyes. Turk noticed and asked him what was wrong, but when JD couldn't quite laugh for real after that, he left a goody bag of McDonald's food under the bed ("To counteract the hospital food") and said goodbye. Before he left, he switched on the glowing disc and sang to it as he exited the room.

JD was visited by the Todd and a few of his fellow residents, most of whom appeared more curious than concerned; he assumed that they'd come to see if the rumors were true, but they didn't ask for any information about Daniel, and JD didn't offer any. Most of his day was spent trying to stay awake while being bored out of his mind. He managed it, though, and was still semi-conscious when Dr. Cox entered his room towards the end of his shift, presumably to check on his status.

"Someone's getting a lot of attention today," Dr. Cox grumbled quietly.

"I'm famous," was JD's reply, which startled the older doctor; apparently he hadn't realized that JD was awake.

Gathering his composure, Dr. Cox shot back, "You're a novelty item, like a spoon from Hawaii or a female president; doctors aren't supposed to be patients. That's all."

JD swallowed thickly and debated with himself: Dr. Cox already knows everything, so it doesn't matter what I say. But he'll think I'm opening up, admitting he's right. I just need someone to talk to.

"Carla is determined to figure out what's going on," he finally said lightly, allowing his mentor to determine his meaning.

"Yeah?" Dr. Cox replied amiably, replacing the chart on the end of the bed. "She's pretty clever; I'm sure she'll be able to figure it out for herself."

JD felt his face go white; that wasn't the answer he was expecting. "I don't want her to find out," he clarified. "I don't want everyone to know…at least not until I'm gone."

"Do you have any idea how much that sounds like the statement of a dying man?"

JD scoffed. "I just…I don't know what to do about it. And Turk. He really has been happy this week. He doesn't look so…disappointed all of the time. I've got to figure out a way to keep him happy and get Carla off my back." He was talking mostly to himself, but it felt good to have someone listening.

"Uh, you could, I don't know, stay?" Dr. Cox suggested. He folded his arms across the chest, and continued slowly, "It's not like they're asking a lot of you, just honesty and the pleasure of your company, and if that's too hard for you to give – and I can imagine that being pleasurable comes in a rare blue moon for you – then maybe you could just stick with the honesty thing."

That just wasn't going to happen. JD wasn't about to let Carla know about the reality of his relationship, and he couldn't just blow them all off without a good excuse. He really didn't want to disappoint Turk again; it hurt to see that look in his eyes.

JD's thoughts began to wander and he forgot that Dr. Cox was in the room. His most recent nightmare came to mind, the janitor's closet and prying hands, and his eyes darkened with fear and despair. It was just something psychological, he told himself, that had nothing to do with the way Daniel actually acted. But when he recalled images of his best friend, all he saw were the angry stares, the punches, the demanding hands and lips, and so much hatred….

JD shook himself and looked up to see Dr. Cox still standing at the end of his bed, quietly watching him. How long had he been zoned out?

"I've been having these nightmares," JD began, and Dr. Cox nodded without saying a word. "They're about Daniel, always about him, coming into the hospital at night." He licked his lips and chose his words carefully. "He won't listen to me in the dreams, he just does whatever he wants. He doesn't care where we are or who is around us or if I'm hurt, he just—" takes what he wants. "I think I might be having some kind of breakdown or something, because they won't go away." He was ashamed to admit the last part. But maybe Dr. Cox could help.

"And maybe you should listen to yourself once in a while," Dr. Cox suggested, "because he's already done that. He came into this hospital yesterday determined to take what he wanted."

JD shook his head; he didn't want to hear that.

"Newbie, it sounds like you're subconscious is trying to tell you something, but you're not listening."

"Never mind," JD said quickly. "I'm fine, just go."

He left, to JD's surprise, without an argument.

JD was given fresh painkillers after that, and was quickly languishing in the painlessness void of sleep. His thoughts drifted, focusing in on the quick, quiet words that his conscious mind was so quick to condemn. Dreams were supposed to have meaning, then what did his dreams mean? Every time he thought of Daniel now he thought of the dreams; they were ruining his relationship, destroying the person that Daniel used to be. It wasn't fair.

But another nightmare arrived, and JD was suddenly in the confined space of an MRI machine and he could hear Daniel walking around his exposed lower half. JD felt his panic well up in his chest. Hands ran up his legs and thighs and he couldn't help but sob because he couldn't move or cry out or stop it; Daniel could do whatever he wanted to him as tears streamed down his face….

Suddenly there were hands at his neck, which didn't make sense because the machine blocked his upper body. He pried open his eyes to see Daniel's face only inches from his, a crazed look in his eye.

"Hey, come on, we've got to go," Daniel whispered excitedly. He was stroking JD's face, but JD still felt the panic in his chest and he was frozen in fear at being so close to the man who plagued his nightmares.

"JD," Daniel whispered again, obviously becoming impatient. "Come on, I'll help you up." He raised his hands to pull down the blanket, but JD's panic at the action was overcome by his shock when he realized that Daniel was holding a large kitchen knife.


	15. A Quiet Dream

I'm still dreaming, JD repeated over and over in his head; he couldn't take his eyes off of the knife.

Daniel snapped his thoughts back to reality with a light slap on the cheek. JD jerked away.

"Come on, we've got to get out of here before the nurse wakes up or she'll see us," he explained almost patiently.

JD finally made eye contact with him, entirely confused. "We're leaving?" Normally he would just take JD right then and there, no matter who was around to see it.

Daniel nodded and jerked JD upright. The shock it sent through his ribs caused JD to hesitate; this wasn't a dream. This was real. Daniel was sitting beside him on the bed, holding him up, touching his shoulder and his back. Even through the hospital robe the touch frightened JD; that combined with his aching chest made him feel like he would throw up. He looked unsteadily at Daniel to see anger, impatience in his eyes.

"Come on, get up! I saw you walking around here a couple of days ago, don't try to tell me you can't."

And suddenly something clicked in JD's head. Despite having craved to go home to see Daniel for so long, now that he was actually with him…he was terrified of him, of what he would do next, of the anger in his expression that would burst out at any moment.

JD suddenly couldn't help himself; he curled his chest to his knees, frantically clawing his hospital gown further over his legs, hiding his skin, all the while watching Daniel, waiting for him to make his move.

"Johnny," Daniel started, "what are you doing? We need to go." He spoke quietly, darkly, an obvious threat hanging in the air between them.

And JD nodded as though he understood, because part of him knew that he was supposed to get out of the bed and sneak out of the hospital with this man, his best friend. But he didn't move. Something between indecision and terror froze him to the spot; he simply stared, wide-eyed, at Daniel.

Daniel's frustration was evident; he gave a muffled yell as he jerked himself up and stalked the room angrily, obviously trying to keep himself quiet. He glanced out the window to the nurse's station; JD followed his gaze to see a young nurse with her face lying on the counter. He swallowed hard, forcing himself to believe what Daniel had said: that she was only sleeping. He wouldn't have done anything bad…. But then his eyes caught the glint of the knife still clutched in Daniel's hand as he took steady breaths and turned back to the bed.

"Get up now," he stated carefully, breathing deeply, "and I'll forget this ever happened." It was a good deal, JD understood that. There was really nothing else he could do. He took several deep breaths, then forced his arms to unwrap from his legs and turned to slide off of the bed. Daniel watched, still fuming, the knife in his fist at his hip. After only a few moments, he jerked JD up by the arm, yanking out his IV and causing him to tumble onto the floor, knocking into the end-table. The disc on the end-table flashed bright blue then toppled over and shattered. JD stared at it and past it at the bag of uneaten McDonald's food still stashed under the bed. Daniel gave an impatient grunt and JD slowly rose from the floor.

By the time JD was standing, leaning his legs against the bed, he was already exhausted; his body was still unused to movement, and his muscles were all clenched tightly as he held himself up, ready for whatever Daniel decided he deserved. The whole situation still felt like a dream to him.

Daniel nodded toward the door and JD slowly followed him out. The nurse was gone.

"What the fuck!" Daniel half-whispered half-screamed. He quickly glanced behind the counter to see if she'd fallen and cursed again.

"Maybe," JD began numbly, "I should just stay. I mean, someone may have called the police like last time." He thought for a moment as Daniel cursed and paced the hall. "How did you get out of jail anyway?" JD finally asked curiously.

Daniel let out a frustrated grunt in reply, shoved JD into a wall then continued to pace. JD closed his eyes at the flaring pain in his ribs that caused him to cough and worsen the problem, but he didn't say anything; it was a distant pain. Just like in the dreams. All the power belonged to Daniel, and all he could really do was accept the situation, right?

Daniel finally calmed enough to lead JD across several hallways to a rarely used staircase oddly placed behind the bathrooms; JD had never used them before, but now he allowed himself to be dragged down from the fifth floor to the second. JD wondered briefly why they weren't going straight to the first floor, but didn't bother asking.

Daniel rushed out of the stairwell without checking the hall, which was strange until JD realized that the hallway was completely empty. They were in an abandoned part of the hospital. As he gained his bearings, JD recalled that there were rooms full of patients only a few hallways away; how did Daniel know so much about the hospital?

The place was quiet; JD had half-expected flashing police lights when they got closer to the main floor. But when Daniel wandered back to the hall from the empty room across from the stairwell – JD hadn't even noticed him leaving – he was frowning

"There are cop cars in the parking lot already," he murmured, almost to himself. It was one of those moments when JD wasn't quite sure whether he was perfectly calm or seething with anger; there was almost no warning of when the calm would suddenly become violent. So JD remained silent, passive.

"You're a fucking idiot, you know that?" Daniel suddenly announced. "You took like ten minutes just to get awake and out of that room! You screwed us both over this time, Johnny! Now how are we supposed to get out of here!?" He was waving the knife around in front of him as though he'd forgotten he was holding it. He finally yelled in frustration. JD followed him back into the stairwell, trying to picture in his head where it would come out on the first floor.

Daniel peered out carefully when they arrived at the main floor. Apparently satisfied, he pulled JD out with him and stepped carefully along the wall until they were just around the corner from the nurse's station.

JD could see two nurses there, one behind the counter and one in front of it. There was also a big man in blue outside of the counter. A security officer, probably. But they didn't usually stand around conversing with nurses.

Daniel cursed again, very quietly, after he'd viewed the scene. JD'd never heard him cuss as much in the whole time he'd know him.

"There's no emergency exit anywhere down this hall," he whispered to JD. "We have to go by them to get out, no matter what exit we use." JD wanted to ask how he knew that, and how he'd gotten into the hospital in the first place if that was so. He was silent.

A male voice suddenly spoke up from the nurse's station, and JD recognized it as Colonel Doctor's.

"Have they found him yet?" the doctor asked, his voice muffled by distance. Daniel was practically holding his breath so that he could hear better.

Another male voice said "No," and JD assumed it was the security officer. "A nurse came down a few minutes ago with a concussion. They think he already got upstairs even with officers guarding all the elevators and stairwells" – they missed one, thought JD – "so Dr. Reid went up to check on Dorian."

"Jeez, what a mess," Colonel Doctor replied.

"Yeah, they even called Dr. Cox up about it," a nurse threw in.

"What? Why would they call Cox? What could he do?"

There was a pause, then the nurse spoke up. "Dr. Cox specifically said to call him with any issues involving Dr. Dorian and/or his 'banned visitor'."

"Have you heard the rumors?" asked another woman, presumably the other nurse.

"We've all heard the rumors," the doctor cut in pointedly, "and now we can all forget about them. Anyway, I took the night shift as a vacation from his rants, but now he's going to march in here and bite all of our heads off."

"Yeah, probably," agreed the first nurse. "At least he can't say we weren't following orders."

They continued to talk about Dr. Cox's latest over-the-top tirades. Daniel glared at them while as he listened.

"These people are all so protective of you," he finally whispered, turning his glare to JD. "What do they think I'm going to do anyway?" he wondered. Something seemed to click in his eyes just as the elevator on the other side of the nurse's station silently swung open and Elliot walked out. She froze when she saw Daniel, JD tucked away behind him.

Elliot opened her mouth to speak when Daniel grabbed JD and pressed the knife into his neck. The blade was shockingly cold. Elliot froze. Through the numbness that had pervaded his countenance, JD felt total mortification begin to take over; he was being held hostage in front of one of his best friends and all he wanted to do was die of embarrassment.

After what seemed like an eternity, Daniel stepped out from the shadows, revealing the situation to the nurse and the security officer (Colonel Doctor was nowhere in sight). Shouts of alarm went up, but JD closed his eyes and pretended that none of this was happening even as Daniel screamed openly for them to stay away and shuffled himself and his hostage across the hallway and into the relative safety of the next hall over. JD almost wished that he had the courage to tell the people that Daniel wouldn't really hurt him, that he was just pretending. But he could barely find the will to open his eyes and watch the security officer following behind them at a safe distance.

JD didn't know how long it took them to reach the admissions room, but when they did everything in the hospital seemed to go quiet. The few waiting patients stared quietly from their chairs; two police officers who had been interviewing a nurse ended their discussion and tensed at what they saw; the three or four other medical professionals in the room stopped what they were doing to watch Daniel's unsteady half jerk and spill a few droplets of blood down his hostage's neck. JD didn't even flinch.

"We're leaving," is all Daniel said, but, although no one made a move to stop him, it was obviously going to be more difficult than that. The room was full enough that as he moved through, someone could easily take him out from behind. So he hesitated, breathing rapidly against the back of JD's head, and in the next moment Dr. Cox walked through the main double doors, stopping dead in his tracks with everyone else.

Daniel's breath hitched and then evened out, and JD knew that his hatred for the doctor overcame his panic.

"We're leaving," Daniel said again, much more confidently. "So everyone needs to get into those two corners of the room," he commanded carefully, pointing to the far corners where he could see them, "and stay quiet. Or I will cut his throat." He pushed the knife farther in; JD couldn't feel the pain, but he could feel the warm liquid trickle down his throat and the fury in Dr. Cox's eyes.

People began to move, clumping into the corners with a police officer standing between each group of patients and nurses and Daniel. Dr. Cox didn't move, but before Daniel could really complain, one of the officer's radios went off, and a static-covered voice rang through the silent room.

"We've got three men on the door, what's your status, over." Silence reigned again as everyone watched Daniel; JD could practically feel the anger boiling over in the man behind him. "I repeat, we've got a code 100, can you give us a description or location of the suspect, over."

The hand on JD's arm tightened enough for him to wince, but the knife moved away from his throat, Daniel's shaky hand almost nicking him in the chin as he jerked it back.

"Fuck!" Daniel suddenly screamed, causing JD to jump in surprise. Both police officers went for their guns, but Dr. Cox was faster, rushing up to the entranceway in which they stood in order to do God knows what….wrestle the knife from Daniel's fist?

Daniel cried out again when he saw Dr. Cox rushing up to him. JD watched in slow motion as he raised the knife out in front of them and he thought that Daniel was going to stab Dr. Cox. But the knife suddenly twisted around in his hand to face JD, and it didn't make any sense, even as he watched the knife enter his side, that Daniel would punish him when he only ever obeyed and did his best to please him.

JD watched the knife move back out of his hospital gown, covered in blood, and he watched and waited as it moved back in again, towards his stomach this time, before large callused hands took hold of it and practically broke the wrist behind it before moving it away from his body.

Daniel's warmth behind him was suddenly gone along with his support, and JD dipped to the floor, apparently forgotten. And rightfully so, he realized as he took in Dr. Cox grappling with Daniel above him. Dr. Cox was stronger, but they were both so angry….

There were more hands on him suddenly, but JD was too tired to look up. He watched the floor turn as red as the front of his hospital gown until his vision faded and blackened.


	16. Damn Bruise

JD was jogging, exhausted down an empty dirt road. A bright white light shone behind him, illuminating the path in front of him, but never reaching more than a few feet ahead. Everything else was dark. But that wasn't the scary part. The light was hot, and it was following him. JD was too tired to run much faster, and the light was gaining on him, always prying at his skin and searing his neck making him drip with sweat. The closer the light got, the louder the humming in the background became until he couldn't stand it anymore and screamed and opened his eyes.

Carla and Elliot were running beside him, except he wasn't running anymore. He was on a gurney, and Carla was telling him not to worry and yelling something about Dr. Cox. JD wondered why Dr. Cox wasn't there staring down at him and preparing to fix whatever goes wrong, whatever happens in JD's life that he's too idiotic to deal with alone. JD imagined for a moment Dr. Cox wrestling with Daniel; he closed his tired eyes when he recalled that that already happened, and wondered when Daniel became something so wrong that Carla and Elliot were staring down at him with concern and confusion and panic in their eyes. When had he stopped telling them things?

When did he start lying?

Suddenly it seemed really important to remember that first lie and to make it right, to clean up all of the dirty things he'd done, even though it felt as though some things would never come clean.

JD didn't wonder how it suddenly came into his mind; he recalled the day that he went to work with a small bruise across his cheek. That's when it had started. He left the building with Turk and Carla, and when Carla asked him about his cheek, he lied to her. To her face. To Turk. But he could fix it now.

He opened his mouth to speak before realizing that there was a mask over his nose and mouth. His words were muffled and weak.

"Relax, Bambi," Carla told him, her voice choked. "We're taking you to surgery, you'll be fine."

Confused, JD looked down to see half a dozen people surrounding the gurney, moving with it. They were moving fast, but he could barely feel it; his entire body was numb. There was blood covering his stomach, a nurse holding gauze tightly against his side. Elliot was gone now. Dr. Cox still wasn't there. It was loud, bright, confusing. Unable to really take it in, JD turned back to Carla. She was focused on moving the gurney forward, so JD raised his hand to remove the mask; he had to tell her.

"JD," Carla sort of hissed, batting his hand away from the mask. She watched him for a moment, jerking her head up once in a while to watch where she was going, then asked "What do you need to say?" and moved the mask aside. He focused on looking her in the eye.

"I didn't fall."

There, it was out. Pure relief flooded JD's body, somehow opening up all of his senses once again and he felt the wind rush by as the gurney moved swiftly down the hallway, and the pressure of the gauze pressed against his fresh knife wound. He glanced back up at Carla, who appeared panicked and confused, before passing out from the pain and exhaustion.

It seemed only moments later all the voices from the gurney ride were surrounding him again, but this time his eyelids were as heavy as the rest of his body. He pried them open and the voices quieted. Carla, Elliot, Turk, and JD's brother Dan were surrounding his bed, staring at him.

"Dan," JD squeaked out, disappointed at how weak his voice sounded. His brother grinned, though, and approached his side.

"Geez, little brother, I hear you've had quite the hospital adventure," Dan commented. JD just smiled and shook his head, not really wanting to think about it at the moment. Or ever.

Behind him, Elliot, Turk, and Carla waved at JD and started to leave the room.

"What about Dr. Cox?" JD called out, although it sounded more like his normal volume.

Carla turned back at the door. "He's fine. He got a couple of nicks, a few stitches. He'll be fine."

He hesitated. "And Daniel?"

She made an attempt to clear her face of emotion. "He's back in jail." She gave him a small smile and left the room.

"So, who's Daniel?" Dan asked, but his voice told JD that he sort of already knew. He must have been filled in while JD was out.

He settled on, "A friend."

Dan raised his brows. "Some friend!"

JD scoffs and chuckles nervously with him, but the statement – rather the truth of the statement – troubled him. He felt like an idiot thinking about what kind of information Dan had probably received about the situation. To Dan, JD made friends with a total asshole and didn't even realize it.

Except…it was kind of true.

"What about your other injuries?" Dan asked, his voice oddly serious.

"They're fine," JD replied, though his brother obviously wanted to know the story behind them. "I just want to go home already. I've been here forever." He paused, thinking about it. "How long have I been out?"

Dan looked away and raised a brow; there was an unspoken "this time" tacked to the end of JD's question, but fortunately Dan hadn't been there the last time.

"About three days," Dan finally answered quietly. JD looked closely at him, really looked, to see a pale, fidgety man; Dan looked completely freaked out. "Mom's not doing so well, so…." He smile nonchalantly and shrugged. "It kind of looked, for a while, like I'd lose both of you."

JD closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the pillow; that was not what he wanted to hear. "I'm sorry, Dan." Dan just shrugged again, still smiling. "How's mom doing?"

Dan spoke for a while about their mother's failing health, something that JD had never really thought about being so far away. But Dan was there constantly to watch her get worse and worse. Now she was developing breathing problems, probably from smoking, and had actually gone to the hospital after an asthma attack. JD listened and nodded, doing his best to stay awake even though he felt the deeply comforting and familiar effects of his morphine drip. He couldn't even sum up the strength to feel guilty for not caring more about what was happening with his mother; she was sort of something separate from his current life.

At one point JD looked around the room, hoping to make himself more aware by taking in his surroundings. He was in the same room he'd had before. Rowdy was leaning awkwardly in one corner, and there was a brand new flashing disc on his nightstand. He wished it was on so that it would flash at each of Dan's words. Dan was still talking when JD finally gave into the morphine and drifted off to sleep.

When he woke again after a long, dreamless sleep, he mumbled, "I love morphine," to whoever may have been in the room. He opened his eyes to see Carla quietly entering the room, closing the door behind her.

"How are you feeling, Bambi?" she asked, appearing anxious.

"I'm okay," he replied. He really was: his head was empty of all thought except for the fact that he was terribly comfortable in the hospital bed. He never wanted the painkillers to wear off.

"That's good. Listen, JD," she began nervously, "what did you mean when you said that you didn't fall? I thought you were just confused and you were talking about when he…." Stabbed me. That made the happy feeling go away.

JD shook his head, genuinely perplexed. "I don't remember saying that."

Carla stood up anxiously. "Well, you must have meant something by it, because you nearly tore you mask off to say it on the way to surgery."

It all came back to him, being conscious in the moments after being stabbed by Daniel. His felt his face turn red when he recalled that he'd wanted to make amends for all the lying he'd done while he was with Daniel. Why had he said it out loud?!

"Please, just tell me the truth," Carla begged, sitting in the chair again.

JD nodded and swallowed thickly. He replied slowly, carefully choosing his words. "It was…that day when I had a bruise on my cheek. You and me and Turk were going out to eat, and you saw it. And I told you that I tripped and fell." There, it was out. Of course, he knew what she would have to ask next.

"Well…then how did you get the bruise?" She looked as though she'd already guessed, and JD avoided her gaze.

What did he really have to lose anymore?

"I forgot to meet Daniel at his house, like, three times in a row. So, he was upset and lonely, and things got a little out of control and he slapped me." He told the story quickly and lightly, not watching Carla for a reaction.

"It wasn't his fault," he continued, then, thinking of Dr. Cox, felt stupid. "I mean, he shouldn't have done it, but he didn't do it because he didn't like me or because he was a bad person. He did it because he was upset, it was an accident."

He looked to Carla, who was still silent; she stared at him, shock evident on her face.

"It's not a big deal!" he continued, although something in him told him to just shut up before he made it worse.

"Not a big deal!" Carla yelled, making JD wince. "He hits you, then tries to kidnap you, and stabs you! He could have killed you, JD, you idiot!"

The last words jabbed him sharply in the chest; he'd heard Daniel and Dr. Cox scream that at him enough, but never from Carla. She must have noticed that he was hurt, because she took a deep breath and asked calmly, "Okay, so you lied about that. I forgive you. Is there anything else you want to get off your chest?"

JD searched her face for a clue about what she meant, but all he found was concern and curiosity; she didn't really know what kind of information she was asking for, she only knew that there was more.

He took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. "I lied the second time, too." She waited for more. "I said I fell, again, but it was him. Again."

She looked like she was either going to hit something or cry; JD was waiting, on edge, for a fist to fly towards his face. Instead, she got up and left the room.

The next time he woke up, Dr. Cox was sitting next to his bed, wearing his street clothes.

"What are you doing here?" JD asked curiously. Dr. Cox put his arms down and looked up, and JD's eyes followed his right forearm, which was wrapped in white gauze.

"I heard you were stabbed," Dr. Cox explained. "I had to come down here and make sure that I wasn't just having a really fantastic dream."

JD nodded. "You got hurt." He gestured to the older doctor's arm.

"Just a scratch."

It was weird to see Dr. Cox hurt; it didn't seem right, and JD suddenly felt more guilty and hurt about that than he had about anything since he woke up.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Dr. Cox looked at him strangely. "If you mean about the scratch, don't bother, I have great insurance." He left it at that. But JD didn't feel like wondering what he should be apologizing for.

"Carla said you told her some things," Dr. Cox stated, relaxing back into the hospital chair. "What about the rest of it?"

"What about it?"

"What about Gandhi and Barbie and that sad puppy of a brother that's been wandering the halls?"

JD didn't reply.

"What about you?" he continued. "Are you going to tell someone? Are you ever going to get it out?"

"You know," JD pointed out, his voice small.

"Yeah, Newbie, I know because I'm not an idiot and I can put two and two and two together to make six. That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about what happened. And knowing you, you should be ecstatic about the idea of talking someone's ear off about your exciting adventures. And we're all there for you. Even the idiots who can't do the math."

JD hesitated. "We?"

Dr. Cox just glared at him, visibly bristling, then relaxed again. "If you don't want to spread it around yet, then…yeah. I guess I could lend you an ear."

JD couldn't help but be skeptical. "Yeah, but, you're just going make fun of me. Of everything that happened." He tried to make it lighthearted, but the weight of his words dragged his voice down, and he felt his eyes, inexplicably, well up with tears.

Dr. Cox shrugged and looked around anxiously as if expecting someone to walk through the door at any moment. "I'll make you a deal; you promise that you won't ever tell anyone that we actually talk to one another, and I won't 'make fun of you'. Okay?"

Now JD was really choking up, and goddammit he couldn't figure out why! Dr. Cox was actually reaching out to him and all he could do was practically break down in tears!

"Why?" he asked without really thinking about it. "Why would you do that for me?" He could feel the tears falling now, but the other man acted like he didn't notice them.

He waited for an answer: Because Carla told me to, because you whine too much, because you're a shitty enough doctor already, because I'm supposed to care….

"Because I want to see you get better."

JD looked away from him, overcome with emotion. He leaned back on his pillow and nodded as tears ran down his face and great warmth bloomed up in his chest. Even though he was still trying to keep down his tears, his body was wracked with quiet sobs. Dr. Cox didn't say anything, just sat in the chair next to the bed until JD calmed down and finally fell asleep.


	17. Nothing Changes

JD didn't see much of Dr. Cox before he was released from the hospital almost a week after the hostage incident.

After a long, painful (for him and Turk) trip up the stairs to his apartment, JD couldn't help but feel disappointed at the sight of his brother making "dinner" in his boxers.

"Hope you like pineapple meatloaf," Dan announced with a grin. JD gave him a little smile and made his way to his room where he quickly fell asleep on his bed.

He spent an inordinate amount of time over the next few days cooped up in his room sleeping; even after spending almost three weeks in a hospital bed, he was still exhausted. His ribs were constantly sore, and the stab wound in his side...well, he mostly tried not to think about that. It ached in a lot of different ways.

Dan seemed to constantly be near him, hovering over his bed, offering to make him food, convincing him to watch TV in the living room (it was so hard at first to walk out into the living room). Dan wanted to talk and to find out more about what happened. JD just wanted to be alone. He got his wish when Dan finally headed home after a week.

Being home alone most of the time after that felt...strange. JD had spent so much of his time before the hospital at Dan's house and working at least 12-hour days, but now he slept and watched television. And that was it. It wasn't exactly boring. He felt blank, mostly, like time was moving ahead of him while he sat around and did nothing.

Sometimes Turk or Carla was there. They made small-talk with him, but JD didn't really know what to say to them. They made him meals when they can, and bought plenty of easy-to-prepare food so that he wouldn't strain himself. But he was never hungry anyway.

JD thought often about Dr. Cox's offer to talk. It would be nice to have someone to talk to.

But Dr. Cox hadn't come to visit him his last few days in the hospital, nor had he been there to see him off from the hospital with the rest of the staff. JD got the feeling that Dr. Cox didn't really want to hear about what happened – it obviously disgusted him. JD didn't want to talk about it anyway; he just wanted to forget about it. And he was. But then the dreams started again.

They started to come every night, then a few times a night, then even during the day when JD drifted off while staring at the television; hands and lips and teeth and strong arms holding him down and ignoring his cries and screams and hurting him and bruising his skin and destroying his illusion of comfort because it wasn't only happening at the hospital but in his apartment as well and in the streets outside of his apartment and even when he's with Turk or Dan or Carla and expecting someone to stop it from happening, but they just get angry, too, and walk away, disgusted. And it's so painful to see them look at him that way...he's always crying when he finally comes out of it again, feeling stupid and weak and embarrassed.

Turk and Carla started leaving prepared meals on the counter or in the fridge before they went to work. They started giving him long looks when they finally came home at night to find him still awake, still staring at the television. They asked him – more often – if there was anything wrong, if there was anything they could get him, if he wanted to take a nap. At first JD just thought that they felt awkward around him and were doing these things to fill the silences that had grown in the apartment since he returned home. But then he accidentally caught sight of his reflection in the bathroom mirror and grimaced.

It wasn't even him anymore. His face was thin, gaunt, and far paler than it should have been. Dark circles under his eyes attested to his lately decided preference of exhaustion over nightmares. He looked worse than when he was in the hospital. He just looked ... sick.

At the sight of his own distant eyes, JD felt something inside of him sink, creating an ache in his stomach, a twinge of uncomfortable pressure like a sack of flower just over his bellybutton.

He took his first shower in a week and resumed his television watching.

But the ache didn't go away; it got bigger and stronger like a black hole, and by the time Turk arrived home after his shift at midnight, all JD could think about was Daniel. He knew that Turk was sitting on the couch next to him, talking to him – probably commenting on the TV show – but JD could only think of how much everything would be better if he could just see Daniel at that moment.

"Turk," he finally said, still staring at the glowing television. There was no response, but JD could feel his friend watching him. "What happened to Daniel? After..." He still couldn't quite say it. He stabbed me. He didn't know why it was so hard to say.

"He was arrested," came Turk's voice, quiet and careful. "He's in jail right now. He'll probably go to trial and then prison."

JD forced himself to nod and look at Turk. "For how long?"

He didn't answer for a moment. "He stabbed two people. That's probably attempted murder, JD. He'll be gone for a while." Turk was watching him, waiting for something. JD just nodded, feeling the ache grow stronger; he wanted to throw up.

Turk tried to talk to him some more, but finally gave up and went to bed. At around two in the morning, JD took Turk's cellphone from the coffee table and dialed the number that had been running through his head for a week.

"What the hell do you want, Gandhi?"

JD took a deep breath; he felt like an idiot for being startled by the angry voice on the other end of the line.

"Dr. Cox," he finally squeezed out. He cleared his throat, wanting to sound as normal as possible. "How are you?"

There was silence for a moment. "Newbie?" Dr. Cox replied, sounding condescending. "Did daddy say you could use his phone?"

"I know it's early, I just..." Actually, JD had no idea why he called. "I haven't seen you in a while, and I was wondering how you've been."

"Yeah," Dr. Cox drolled. He sighed loudly and JD could hear shuffling in the background. "I'll be there in a minute. Jesus."

JD stared at the phone in his hand, reading Call Ended again and again. What the hell had just happened?

It seemed like only moments later that there was a knock on the door.

JD just stared at Dr. Cox standing in the hallway. "I didn't think you were serious," he explained quietly, wondering what was going on. The older doctor just shoved his way through the doorway and rummaged through the kitchen.

"Don't think that this is going to be a regular thing, Newbie," Dr. Cox announced as he jotted something down on a piece of paper and taped it to the fridge. "Tubby's sure to see that in the morning." Then he dragged JD to his apartment.

Dr. Cox immediately poured himself a scotch and settled onto a large recliner. He eyed JD expectantly; JD was standing to the side of the room, surprised at how uncomfortable he was. He knew that Dr. Cox was waiting for him to sit down, but he found the idea of sitting on the man's couch oddly frightening.

I'm afraid of the couch.

Suddenly, JD was laughing. He was staring at the goddamn couch and laughing so hard that his ribs started to ache as he bent at the waste, unable to breathe properly.

He was scared of a damn couch!

"JD."

He heard Dr. Cox say his name, but he couldn't stop laughing! Imagine, finding himself in his mentor's home without even having to show up unexpectedly or beg and he couldn't even sit down!

"JD, sit down."

"I can't." He tried to say the words, but he wasn't completely sure that they came out. He wasn't sure about anything anymore. Was he even awake? There were tears rolling down his cheeks and he was sitting on the floor; he didn't remember any of that happening. He was breathing again, but the tears were still coming, so he wasn't sure whether he was laughing still.

He looked up through blurry eyes at the couch in front of him, and the ache in his stomach felt like it engulfed his entire body, squeezing his chest closed tight. His eyes moved up to Dr. Cox, still sitting in the big comfy chair across from him, gazing down at him with a look that was incomprehensible to JD.

But he could breathe again. He tried to regain his composure, tried to make the look on Dr. Cox's face go away, tried to talk about something light, about television or the hospital, but there was really only one thing on his mind.

So he took a deep breath.

"Have you ever missed someone so much...you can't even breathe right?" It wasn't the right comparison; JD's lungs were engulfed by a black hole, but he didn't know how to describe the ache. "I just...I wish I could see him. I wish he was here." He watched Dr. Cox rise and pour himself another drink.

"Then what would he be doing?" he asked, sitting on the edge of the chair. He sounded angry.

"I don't know," JD admitted. "But it would be better than this. If I had just stayed with him...everything would be alright now. I was so stupid. I tried to stop seeing him, I kept doing thing to make him so angry! If I had just... been his friend. Everything would be okay right now." He groaned and pulled his knees to his chest. "Now I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do. If he's in prison...what am I supposed to do?" He wiped at his face, frustrated that he couldn't calm down.

They were silent for a while. Dr. Cox stared at the wall above JD's head for several minutes before replying.

"I was a good kid, you know that?" JD looked up at him curiously. "I got straight A's, never talked back to my parents, never stole or hurt anybody. I just wanted to ...make my parents happy. But it seemed like no matter what I did, no matter how much I worked to make my father proud of me – or even like me – I always got more hits than hugs. I always felt like...if I could just do things right for once, then it would all end."

He drank the rest of his scotch. "But no matter what I did, it never changed anything. There were a few moments in-between. Moments when he was completely sober, when he'd tell me that he was proud of me. And for those fucking moments all of the hitting and the yelling seemed like it was worth it."

JD nodded, eyes wide, drinking in every word because he'd felt that way every second that he was with Daniel. He waited, with rapt attention, for the solution, the way his mentor had fixed it all, made it all good again.

"But it wasn't worth it, because nothing ever changed. Not because I wasn't good enough; that wasn't really what it was about in the first place. It's about control, Newbie, whether they already have it or not, they need to take it. And the sooner you realize that that's what your relationship was all about, the sooner you can put it behind you."

JD stared at him. Put it...

"Put it behind me!?" he exclaimed, clenching his fists around his knees. "That's your solution?! Do you know how hard I've tried to put it behind me, even when it was still happening? I tried, I stayed home, away from him, and it only made things worse! I've tried to forget about it, but the dreams keep coming, and they just won't go away! I can't put it behind me if it won't let me!"

"I know you're frustrated," Dr. Cox said quickly, suddenly kneeling in front of him. "You're never going to forget about what happened, because it happened. It's not about forgetting, JD, it's about letting go."

"I just want to talk to him, be with him again."

"No, you don't," Dr. Cox countered as if ignoring the statement altogether. "You want to move on, you want to go back to the way your life was before him."

"What's the point?!" JD screamed. "There's nothing left anymore."

"You have your job, Turk, Carla, Elliot, you have your patients and your family. You've got me, Newbie. We add up to a million times more than that bastard, you've just got to remember that."

JD shook his head; if that was true, then he would never have started going to Daniel's house in the first place. No, no one really cared about him like Daniel did. Then...

"Why did he do it?" He asked suddenly.

"Some people are just messed up in the head, and that's not your fault. He wanted to control you-"

"No." JD shook his head. "Why did he stab me?"

Dr. Cox just looked at him. JD waited.

He needed an answer. He had to know. He'd been complying, he did everything Daniel asked, why did he do it?

He needed an answer, but Dr. Cox was looking away now, at the floor like he couldn't decide what to say, like he didn't have an answer.


	18. Don't Know

JD went through the next day in a daze. He was surprised when he woke up on Dr. Cox's couch, but he left when he heard his mentor stirring in the bedroom. He didn't want to be there when he woke up; he vaguely remembered breaking down in front of him, crying on the floor. Embarrassment stirred in his stomach, but he simply didn't have the energy to face what he was feeling. He just wanted to go home.

It was still early in the morning when he arrived at his apartment, but Turk was at the counter munching on some toast.

"JD! You went to Cox's last night?" The question sounded so normal, but JD could see the awkward curiosity and worry in Turk's expression. He nodded, carefully sitting on the other side of the counter.

They were both silent for a few moments; JD realized, too late, that Turk was looking at him, expecting some kind of explanation.

"Well, do you want me to make you something to eat?" Turk asked.

JD was about to shake his head no – he really wasn't hungry at all – but he hesitated, remembering his breakdown. Anger suddenly burst into him; what was wrong with him?! Was it so hard to have a normal conversation with his friend, to eat breakfast in the morning? He was overcome with the desire for things to go back to normal. That's what Dr. Cox had said, right? Let go of what happened and things will get better. It was possible to do this.

"Yeah," he finally answered, his voice rough from crying the night before. "I'll have some toast."

Turk didn't move, so JD looked to see his friend staring at him in shock.

"Seriously? You want me to make you toast."

JD nodded, forcing a smile. "Yeah, breakfast sounds good." In actuality, the smell of Turk's toast was making his stomach turn.

Turk just smiled enthusiastically and got up to get more bread. "So what did you do at Dr. Cox's place last night?" he asked.

"Um...," JD began. He could answer this without being a total idiot, right? We talked about how sucky our lives were...are. "We...hung out. Talked. You know, just the usual."

Turk snorted. "Yeah, just hanging out with the second most evil doctor at Sacred Heart. Just another night, right?" He was smiling and looked so happy. JD smiled back the best he could and frantically thought of something else to say.

"So...how is everyone at the hospital? How's work?"

Okay, that didn't sound too bad. Of course, mentioning the hospital made images of being dragged around the hallways in the middle of the night fly into his head...which made him feel even more sick...

"Same 'ol, same 'ol. I haven't really seen Elliot, though, since she's still stuck working the night shift. I heard she broke up with Keith. And you're never going to believe this! The Todd has a girlfriend. Do you want butter on your toast?"

JD swallowed thickly; he couldn't decide whether or not that would make it harder to eat, but Turk already had the butter and a knife out. "Sure."

Turk talked on about goings-on in the hospital, barely noticing as JD forced himself to eat one, then two bites of the toast. He put it down after that, hoping he wouldn't puke, and pretended to listen to Turk with rapt attention.

"Listen, I've got to get to work, buddy." Turk tossed his plate into the sink and grabbed his bag. "I'm glad you're feeling better." He gave JD a huge smile and left.

As soon as the door closed, JD pushed away the plate of almost two pieces of buttered toast and leaned forward, holding his head up with his hands.

That wasn't so bad, was it? God, he felt like he was going to puke. He wandered into his room and scooted onto his bed, laying back to stare at the ceiling.

He hadn't had any dreams the night before. That was a good sign right? His breakdown last night, it was just a fluke; things were getting better in his world. He tried not to think about the look on Dr. Cox's face when he couldn't answer that stupid question. What did it matter why Daniel did what he did? He was gone now anyway.

But it had felt so important last night. It was just...it was the one image that he could see forever perfectly clear like it was happening that moment: the instant the knife turned toward him and moved in like...

JD turned onto his side and pulled his knees up to his chest.

It was stupid to think about it. Dr. Cox said he wouldn't ever forget what happened, but he could move on. That's what he should concentrate on doing now; moving on. It would be easier when he went back to work, when he had something to do with his time instead of laying around the apartment for days on end. He thought about calling Dr. Kelso and asking about going back. He needed at least six weeks for his ribs, and it had been four. He could go back soon.

He could do this. All of it. He could eat breakfast in the morning and dinner at night. He could talk with Turk or Carla or Elliot without saying anything stupid or making them give him strange looks. He could go back to work and analyze, diagnose, and treat patients one after another just like he used to. He could do all of it again.

He could pretend that everything was fine, that he was happy with the world around him, and that he didn't miss the way things were because things were horrible with Daniel. JD knew that. Being with him was horrible. Watching closely in case something he said caused a fist to raise was horrible, waiting for that moment in the night when he would have to give up his control of himself, of the entire situation, was terrifying each and every time. Drinking as fast as he could before that point for fear of being too aware of what was happening was horrible.

What he didn't understand was why this felt worse.

It didn't matter. Daniel was gone for a long time, and as much as JD missed him, he wasn't sure what Daniel would do if he ever saw him again. Judging by how he was acting the last time they were together...

JD absentmindedly ran his hand over his side, feeling the light bandage that was still in place, covering the gash he'd received that time. It brought him back to the same question that Dr. Cox was so completely unable to answer the the night before.

He hadn't wanted to kill JD. He couldn't have. He'd dragged JD's body to the hospital, saved his life, only weeks before. Then why did he do it? What possible reason-.

No, it didn't matter. He shouldn't even be thinking about it, because he was going to move on.

JD was pulled from his thoughts by a knock on his bedroom door. Assuming that Carla must be back from her shift, he was shocked when he opened it to find Daniel smiling politely at him.

And for all the wishing he'd done that Daniel was still with him, the sight of him only made JD freeze in fear, his mind screaming for him to get away as though Daniel had done something, anything, more than simply smile at him. He didn't want Daniel to see him here, in his bedroom, knowing what thoughts would be running through his head. JD backed away from the door. Daniel lifted a gun and aimed it at his forehead.

JD jerked himself awake with a cry, wide eyes staring at his open bedroom door.

Must have dozed off, he figured, wiping the sweat off of his face and trying to slow his breathing. It was no big deal, he had nightmares all the time. This one wasn't even that bad; Daniel hadn't laid a hand on him.

It took several minutes for his breathing to slow.

He sat up and wiped his face again, whispering curse words to himself as though they'd make what just happened mean less.

When the door to the apartment suddenly opened, JD almost fell off of his bed. He scrambled to his feet and hid behind his bedroom door.

"JD?" a female voice asked curiously.

JD let out a huge sigh, and, feeling like a completely idiot, wandered into the living room where Carla was setting down her things from work.

"What were you doing in your room?" she asked. JD just forced and smile and shrugged. It was harder to talk to Carla than Turk; Carla knew things. Carla's voice became low and careful when she spoke to him, like she was afraid that she would scare him away.

"I was just getting some exercise," he explained quietly, trying his best to keep the smile on his face. "Just getting used to moving around again, you know, with the..." He gestured to his side where they both knew there would be a scar forever. JD hadn't noticed it before, but he then realized that springing to his feet when the door opened had caused his ribs to ache like they hadn't in weeks.

"Oh, well you know it's really nice out," Carla told him. "We could go for a walk or something if you'd like."

JD hesitated. He really didn't want to leave the apartment. He just wanted to lay back down on his bed and try to figure out how to get through today and tomorrow and the day after that. But taking a walk would be a good 'normal' thing to do, right?

So JD agreed, even as the anxious black hole in his stomach rose again. What was he so afraid of anyway? It was just a walk right?

A few minute down the street, Carla said, "Turk said that you spent the night at Dr. Cox's last night. Did anything happen?"

His mind spinning, JD stopped walking and looked at her. She stopped and turned to him, avoiding his eyes.

"What?" he asked, unable to comprehend what she was asking. She suddenly looked really guilty.

"Well, I don't know, just, did anything happen?" she repeated as though it would help.

JD felt dizzy, his mind frantically looking for some kind of explanation for the question. What was she implying? Did she mean did they – that couldn't be right, why would she ask that.

Meanwhile Carla stared back at him, looking more and more uncomfortable. She finally broke through the silence: "Look, forget I asked. It's no big deal, you know." She turned and continued walking down the street, stopping and turning back when she realized that he wasn't following her.

"What's not a big deal?"

She rolled her eyes, but still didn't meet his. "That you and Dr. Cox are...you know...together."

He just stared at her. She really believed what she was saying.

"I'm not blind, you know," she reminded him, stepping closer. "He's so protective of you, and after what the man who- after what Daniel said when they were fighting...well, it wasn't that hard to put it all together."

"Carla, it's not like that."

She just shook her head and said, again, "Don't worry about it. I mean, you should hear the stories Elliot tells me about experimenting in college." She chuckled awkwardly. "I mean, I should have seen it sooner. You spend most nights at the guy's house and come to work looking exhausted, and-" She finally looked at him, and paused. "JD don't worry about it! So you like guys. I just never expected that Dr. Cox-"

"No, I don't," JD muttered, looking away. He wanted to be back in the apartment. Why had he agreed to come out here? There was nowhere to go to get away.

"JD, it's not like I can't tell what's going on-"

"I really don't Carla," he said, looking her in the eyes. He looked away quickly when flashes of long, drunken, painful nights felt so apparent in front of his eyes. He tried to laugh, make light of the situation so that she would see how ridiculous it was to even assume...

"JD, what-?"

He turned around, realizing that he'd started crying again, started goddamn crying on the fucking sidewalk for no reason at all.

"God, I'm sorry," he muttered, quickly wiping his eyes and turning back around. He forced a smile and continued, "It's really not like that. Dr. Cox and I just talked, that's all."

She looked down. "You lied about the bruises."

His hands were shaking. The entrance to the apartment building was only a couple of blocks away. He could make a run for it.

How stupid would that look! It's just a conversation; reassure her now and you'll never have to have it again.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Carla." He really was. He just wished that she'd forget about it already.

"How do I know you're not lying about this?"

He was surprised. She looked concerned, worried about what he would say or wouldn't say, about what he was hiding.

He wasn't hiding anything. Everything was back to normal!

So he just smiled. "I'm going to head back now. I'm pretty tired."

She didn't say anything and she didn't try to stop him. He made it all the way back to the apartment and fell face first onto his bed.

He couldn't do this. It was too hard. There was too much dirt and too much pain inside of him to push away and ignore, too much for him to do things stupid things. He couldn't even take a walk with his friend without fucking up!

God, what does it even matter? It wasn't normal to lay in bed all day, to be afraid of talking in case something true came out. He just felt tired and empty and that stupid hole was still enveloping his stomach, why couldn't it all just go away? It would be so much easier if it would all go away, if he could just fall asleep and fucking stay asleep and never have to feel this cold and empty and alone.

What's wrong with me?

JD pushed himself off of his bed and closed his bedroom door. Carla hadn't returned yet; he vaguely wondered what she was doing at that moment. Still standing on the sidewalk, wondering what was going on. It would be best if she never knew, right? He could end it now and not have to worry about it.

He paced his room, not noticing the pain in his ribs that hadn't yet gone away or the stinging in his side from his jerking movements. He considered leaving: hopping on his scooter and never coming back. He considered the pain medication in his nightstand that he never used because the pain helped keep him awake. Pain pills would be the easiest; just take a handful and lay down on the bed and it's over. The drawer full of steak knives would be too messy, too painful, he didn't want that, just wanted to go to sleep.

He grabbed the pills from the drawer.

His hands were shaking worse than before and he couldn't figure out why. This was the ultimate solution, the only way that they wouldn't find out what happened, or if they did no one would care because JD wouldn't have to be there, wouldn't have to sit through the embarrassment and shame.

He looked down at the two dozen white pills in the palm of his hand.

It's not so hard, he told himself. Swallow them all at once.

He took a deep breath, then another, imagining the feeling of the chalky pills going down his throat.

"FUCK!" he screamed, throwing the pills across the room and continuing to pace.

What's wrong with me, why can't I do it?

He shook his head, he couldn't even figure out what was going on in his own head! He couldn't even take his own fucking life!

JD slammed his bedroom door open to an empty apartment. He grabbed Carla's phone from the counter and stared at it, daring himself to dial the same number two days in a row. Then he put it back on the counter and closed himself back in his room.

He sat on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands and stared at the pills scattered across the floor.

I don't think I want to die.

I don't know.

He buried his head in his hands. "I don't know!"


	19. Go On

"Dr. Dorian, I know that you've been through a pretty traumatic experience. Our main goal right now is to get it out in the open, get you talking about it so that it doesn't affect your work, alright?"

JD nodded, nervously tapping his fingers against the side of the couch. "It's JD. You can call me JD."

"Okay, JD. Let's get started." Dr. Rice adjusted in his seat and glanced down at the clipboard on his lap. "I've read the police report and talked to Dr. Kelso about what happened, but I'd like you to go through it with me. I'd like to get your perspective on the whole night."

JD cleared his throat. "Uh, well it all happened pretty quick actually." That was a lie; it felt like it had taken forever to get to the first floor, and the knife had gone in in slow motion. "Daniel woke me up and had me get out of bed and follow him to a staircase in an unused part of the building." He'd yanked him from the sheets, shoved him against a wall, fury in his eyes. "When we got to the nurse's station on the first floor, he put a knife against my neck as a warning and took me to the admissions room, but there were too many people there." 'We're leaving,' lacking any confidence; Daniel hadn't believed they'd be able to leave, what would he have done? Would he have given up if Dr. Cox hadn't charged through the door at that moment?

"Dr. Cox came in, and Daniel tried to get people to back away so that we could leave." Dr. Cox hadn't moved, just glared back at Daniel, fury meeting fury while white noise buzzed through JD's ears at the surreality of the situation. "But then a radio went off. A police officer said that the entrances were all covered, that we couldn't escape." "Fuck!" The scream had shocked him, so close to his ear.

"We?"

JD jerked his head up; he'd forgotten that Dr. Rice was still listening intently. And he'd screwed up again.

"Well, he was trying to take me with him, so..."

Dr. Rice nodded, making a note on his clipboard, his face blank. "Go on."

"Um." Just finish it without screwing up. "Daniel moved the knife away from me, a little, and Dr. Cox ran up. To grab it, I guess." And he'd watched the knife, as the whole rest of the world stood still, twist around toward him. "Then Daniel s-stabbed me, and I fell down." Dr. Cox and Daniel twisted in the air above him, grappling for the knife as deep red liquid dribbled down the front of JD's scrubs and down onto the linoleum floor.

There, that was it. He looked up confidently at the psychologist, waiting for some kind of confirmation of his success.

Dr. Rice glanced up only briefly from his clipboard before asking, "And how did that make you feel?"

JD just stared at him. "How did what make me feel?" Being kidnapped, Dr. Cox trying to save him?

"Being stabbed." Dr. Rice clarified much to JD's dismay.

"It felt like a giant paper cut," JD responded, surprised to feel so frustrated so quickly.

Dr. Rice looked up, amusement in his eyes. He put down the clipboard and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "I know that seemed like a stupid question. How does anyone feel after being stabbed in the side? Probably bad." JD snorted, leaning back on the couch and away from the man. "I would actually like for you to clarify how you felt, emotionally, at that moment." He settled back in his chair. "I understand that you and Mr. Jackson were friends before the incident."

JD nodded, trying to clear his face and mind of any emotions that would give him away. "Shocked. I just felt shocked."

"That he would do that to you? Because he was your friend?"

"Yeah." He watched the knife twist around again, Dr. Cox only feet away in the corner of his eye. "I thought he was going to stab Dr. Cox. But the knife turned at the last second."

"What happened after you fell?"

Fighting, wrestling over a kitchen knife, bright red liquid. "Dr. Cox got the knife from him. I don't really remember much. He got some minor cuts from it."

"What happened to Daniel?"

JD shrugged; he could only see an image of Daniel's furious eyes grappling with Dr. Cox, the knife extended far above their heads. "I guess he got arrested. He's in jail."

"How do you feel about that?"

He tried to smile nonchalantly; this was a tough one. He ignored the twisting in his gut, screaming that he was the one who put Daniel there, the one who destroyed his life. "He was my friend, so...I guess I feel bad for the guy. But he deserved it, right?" Okay, that may have come out a little too needy.

Dr. Rice was looking at him intently. "What do you think?"

JD shrugged again. He didn't know what to think about it. "I don't know." This was getting too close, he wanted desperately to change the subject. Dr. Rice seemed to read his mind and obliged.

"I understand that what happened that night must have been terrifying," he said, meeting JD's eyes steadily; he really did look concerned, JD thought. "Being betrayed by your best friend, held captive in front of your coworkers, and being hurt like that by someone you trusted: it may have seemed quick, but there can be lasting effects of something so stressful: nightmares, anxiety, depression. It's important that we talk about not only what happened that night, but about the things that have happened since then, about how you feel now and how you've been affected. Do you understand?"

JD nodded. "Yes." God, what was he getting himself into?

"Great. I'll inform Dr. Kelso that you've started therapy. We can meet twice a week to start if that's works for you."

"Sure." He had nothing else to do. "Will I be able to go back to work in two weeks?" That was the reason why he was there, of course. That and the overwhelming need to talk to someone...someone he didn't know, who wouldn't judge him and couldn't ever tell anyone what he said. It was perfect.

Dr. Rice sort of nodded. "We'll see how the next couple of sessions go, but as far as I can tell you'll be fine to get back to work." JD stood with him and they shook hands.

As he walked back to his apartment – Dr. Rice's office was only five blocks away – JD felt relief wash over him. It hadn't been that bad. He had to admit that when Dr. Kelso first called to inform him that he was required to undergo therapy after the hostage incident before returning to work, he had panicked. He was so horrible at talking without giving anything away, he was sure he'd be committed. Especially after the night...

It had taken hours to calm himself down enough to retrieve the scattered white pills; each one was so tiny, so difficult to grasp between his shaking fingers, but he didn't want Turk or Carla to see what he had done. It was a testament to his weakness, his inability to deal with his own life. And his inability to do anything about it.

But he'd cleared them away, left no evidence, and passed out on his bed for the first full night of sleep he'd had in weeks. Kelso had called the next day.

His first session was over, and he hadn't let anything slip. The relief felt all the sweeter because of his sick and afraid he'd felt while actually in the session. Things were looking up.

Turk was in the kitchen making a sandwich when he arrived home.

"JD!" he greeted, smiling. "Hey man, you've got some stuff on the counter. Where've you been?"

JD felt his face blush. Right, he hadn't told anyone about starting therapy. It just sounded...bad. "Just out getting some air." Turk seemed to accept it.

He wandered into the living room and his eyes fell to the two items on the counter. His cell phone and his wallet.

JD swallowed thickly. The last time he'd seen those things, he'd been...

"Where did you get these?" he asked quietly. He looked up to see Turk pause, suddenly serious.

"Well," Turk began, turning to him. "Some police officers brought them over right after I got home. They said they went through what's-his-name's apartment for the trial and found them, said they didn't need them."

"The trial?" JD repeated, his mind far away.

"Yeah, I guess it's in a couple of weeks." Turk resumed making his sandwich.

"I never spoke to the police," JD realized out loud. "They never asked me for a statement or anything."

Turk sat on the other side of the counter. "Yeah. The police were at the hospital for a while after you got...you know... But Dr. Cox wouldn't let them talk to you, and I guess they had enough witness reports to charge him anyway."

JD nodded, his stomach heavy with guilt. He glanced up to see Turk looking at him oddly. Suddenly JD remembered his talk with Carla, her accusations, assumptions.

"You don't believe...," he started, something in his brain screaming at him to let it go, to not start this conversation with Turk. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"

Turk looked surprised. He hadn't touched his sandwich. He looked JD in the eyes and said, "I believe whatever you tell me, JD."

JD froze; there was so much trust in Turk's eyes; Turk was so afraid of what he would say next. Hell, JD was just as afraid of what he'd say.

"Dr. Cox and I...we're just friends."

And there was relief in Turk's eyes, and he was smiling and JD realized that he really did believe him, 100. He didn't need to explain anything more, didn't need to reason away any of his actions. Turk trusted him completely. It felt so good that JD felt like he was going to cry.

JD smiled back at him, and he didn't even have to force it.

"Not like I would care," Turk reminded him. JD laughed, knowing that that was true as well. "It's just easier this way. I can't exactly see Dr. Cox being a good boyfriend, ya know?"

JD hesitated. "Could you tell Carla?" he asked. Maybe Turk could convince her. "She really thinks that...you know. And she said some things that..." God, he couldn't even finish. "I don't like guys."

Turk nodded, still smiling. "Yeah, I'll talk to her, man. She just doesn't understand guy love."

"It's sad really."

"Yeah it is."

They both laughed, and Turk ate his sandwich while JD went through his wallet to make sure everything was there. His phone was dead, so he plugged it into the wall next to the counter and turned it on to see if he had any missed calls. It felt weird to have it again, to worry about people contacting him outside of the apartment.

When Turk was finished eating, he gave JD a giant bear hug, which made JD stiffen at first at the physical contact, but he quickly relaxed and hugged back.

"I hate to leave you, man, but I gotta hit the gym. I've been putting it off for the last couple of weeks."

JD nodded. Probably because of me.

"Do you wanna come with?" Turk asked, surprising JD. He never used to offer.

"Uh, no, I don't think it'd be good for the..." He gestured lamely at his side. He really didn't want to leave the apartment again, it was too risky. Once a day was enough for now, he figured.

"I'll see you later, Vanilla Bear," Turk grinned at him.

JD grinned back. "Later Chocolate Bear."

After Turk left, JD remembered his phone. He had two missed calls and messages. Both were from the county jail.


	20. Busy

He placed the phone back on the counter and stared at it. Just watched it, half expecting Daniel to jump out of it and grab him, drag him away. He looked around. The apartment was still empty. Carla was at work, would be for hours longer. He looked back at the phone.

This is stupid, he told himself. It's not going to hurt you to listen to a couple of messages. Then why were his hands shaking at his side instead of calling his inbox? Why couldn't he pick up the phone?

JD suddenly felt the familiar black hole return to his stomach, sucking away the warmth from his body. He wanted to talk to Dr. Cox and tell him; he would understand. He knew that stupid pull towards and away from something, the crushing thing that happened to his stomach and ribs when he couldn't distinguish between his feelings of longing for Daniel and his fear of him. It was maddening.

He reached out to close the top of the flip phone, to get rid of the message screen, when it rang, startling him enough to knock him into the couch behind him.

Shaking his head in anger at his weakness, JD glanced at the caller ID to see that the county jail was on the other line.

He froze.

What would Daniel say to him if he answered? What would JD say? What did Daniel expect him to do? God, he must be so angry.

JD clicked the green button.

"Hello?"

"Is this Jonathan Dorian?"

It wasn't Daniel's voice. JD sagged onto the floor, his back against the couch. He hadn't realized how tense he was; his whole body relaxed.

"Yeah."

"The Jonathan Dorian involved in the hostage situation at Sacred Heart Hospital?"

Unfortunately. He closed his eyes. "Yes."

"This is Carlton O'Hara from the LAPD. We'd like you to come in to provide a witness statement, and possibly testify at Daniel Jackson's trial on the 23rd. Are you available later this afternoon?"

Testify. Testify. In court. With him. "Uh..." Could he just say no? Was that allowed?

"Tomorrow morning would be fine, if that works better for you."

JD frowned, fiddling with his pant leg. "Um...do I have to?" God, that came out wrong.

"Well..." The officer sounded surprised and a little confused. "You're not obligated to do it, no. It would help with the case, though; it would put the guy away faster and probably for a longer amount of time if we have your testimony. You were the one he stabbed, right?"

JD swallowed. "I'd rather not, then." He hung up the phone. The silence afterwards was oppressive.

There were still two messages on his phone.

He opened the phone again and went to the message screen. Two messages. He could just delete them, he didn't have to listen to them. But that stupid feeling in his stomach...pushing and pulling him...

He dialed.

Dr. Cox's gruff voice blurted after three rings, "Busy, leave a message," followed by a beep.

He hung up and dialed again.

"Busy, leave a message."

He hung up.

He dialed a different number.

After only two rings, "Hello?" a groggy Elliot mumbled.

"Hey, Elliot, how've you been?" JD tried to sound casual, but he'd been so relieved when she answered that he'd almost started crying. When will that stop! It really pissed him off.

"JD?" she asked, quickly sounding awake. "Hey, I'm great. How are you healing up? Sorry I haven't been to see you, my schedule is still pretty insane and I feel like I never get a moment to myself." She laughed, sounding slightly crazy, and JD had to smile.

"I'm doing fine. Listen, do you want to come over and watch a movie or something?" He just wanted someone around him. The messages...it was like Daniel was in the apartment with him. He didn't feel safe by himself.

"That would be great! Give me fifteen minutes to get dressed." She sounded so enthusiastic, JD almost felt bad; he would have preferred Dr. Cox.

True to her word, Elliot arrived fifteen minutes later looking perfect with a pizza and rented videos. How the hell does she do it? JD wondered. She skipped into the house and set everything up.

"I got While You Were Sleeping and My Best Friend's Wedding. Which one do you want to watch first?"

JD raised a brow at her. "Romantic comedies?"

She shrugged sheepishly. "They were the first two movies I thought of. Sorry."

He just nodded, smiling slightly. He didn't really care what they watched anyway, as long as he wasn't alone. And his phone was tucked safely away in the bathroom closet.

They settled onto the couch, and JD's unease at sitting so closely with someone on a couch quickly faded away as the movie began. Elliot munched on the pizza – she must have eaten four slices in the first few scenes – before leaning back comfortably and resting her head on JD's shoulder. JD had one piece; he hadn't eaten for a couple of days, ever since he found out he had to go to therapy. It tasted like bland, greasy bread.

They were halfway through While You Were Sleeping when Elliot started talking, shaking JD from his thoughts of what prison was really like.

"I was really worried about you, you know?"

JD nodded giving her a sympathetic smile. "I know. I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

She smiled back at him. "Of course." They settled into silence again, but apparently Elliot wasn't finished.

"I broke up with Keith," she told him, watching his face very closely.

"Yeah, Turk told me." He was glad that she didn't look too shaken up about it; he really didn't want to hear about it at that moment.

She pulled away from him a little so that she could face him on the couch. "It's just...when you were in the hospital, I realized a lot of things that I...didn't really think about before. You know?"

"Sure." He had no idea what she was talking about.

"When I saw you come in that night, rolled through the hallway on a stretcher...you were pale, covered in blood. And your chest ... there were bruises everywhere. You had to go into surgery right away, and I didn't even know if you were going to come back out. You could have died! And there was nothing I could do about it. You would have died not knowing..." She fell silent, staring at the television where the movie was still playing.

"Not knowing what?" JD was starting to feel very nervous. If she was heading for what he thought she was...he didn't know what to do.

"Seeing you there, night after night...and then with a knife to your throat...God, I'm such an idiot!" She turned to him, grabbed his face in her hands. "JD, I love you. I love you and no matter who I'm with or what time passes my feelings for you never go away. You're my one constant, the only person I can really see myself with in the future, my best friend. I love you, and I almost lost you. Do you have any idea how that felt?"

He didn't speak, couldn't, before her lips came crashing into his and her hands moved to the nape of his neck, pulling him closer.

He remembered dreaming about moments like this, when Elliot would confess her love for him and they'd ride off into the sunset, spend the rest of their lives together, and despite all of their differences they would find a way to be compatible in the world. He felt her hand caress his face and almost felt at ease.

It was easy for him to fall into her movements, her kisses again. He stopped thinking. 

She whipped her shirt off and fell back onto his lips, and he kissed her back furiously. It wasn't until her hand moved up under his shirt to caress his stomach that he felt the beginnings of fear and panic rise in him.

He ignored it at first, waited for it to go away so that he could go back to enjoying Elliot's kisses, her closeness.

When she dragged his shirt over his head, the fear tightened in his stomach. He suddenly remembered how long it had been since he'd done this without being either completely hammered or only half-conscious. He ran his hands up Elliot's narrow sides, reminding himself that she was a woman. She wasn't Daniel.

She pressed herself against him, topping them both over so she lay on top of him on the couch. Her hands pressed a little too hard on his side on their way to the button on his jeans, and JD blanked. Suddenly he couldn't see bright blond hair hovering above him or a woman's slim, cold hands at his waste band; he couldn't see anything. He just felt, and the terror overrode every rational thought in his mind. There was just hands, and white noise.

When he could see and hear again, he was pressed hard against one side of the couch, his knees pressed tightly against his aching chest. Elliot was leaning over him, her hand inches away but not touching him. She was still shirtless.

"JD?" she asked quickly. "JD, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry, okay? JD?"

He couldn't speak, and he soon realized that he was breathing too hard to form words. He jerked his arms away from his knees and ran a hand through his hair, trying to look casual. But he was pretty sure that it didn't work.

"No...no big deal," he panted, trying to calm his breathing, but it wouldn't stop even though all the hands...all the images were gone from his mind. His body wouldn't calm down. "Sorry, just...I think you nicked my side..."

She nodded, looking unsure. "Yeah, I guess so. Are you okay? Can you breathe? Do you want me to take you to the hospital, or call Turk?"

He shook his head, screaming at himself to calm down. Nothing happened! Breathing was becoming easier, but he wished Elliot would back away from him; he felt claustrophobic with her so close.

"I'm sorry," he said again, unsure of what to do. He just sat there, his body still in a ball against the end of the couch. Elliot looked obviously uncomfortable and more than a little confused. She looked away from him, sat straight ahead on the couch. The movie was still playing.

"I guess I moved too fast," Elliot reasoned, almost to herself. "I guess I just thought...since we've done it before, you know...I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "Don't be, it's no big deal."

She looked at him. He could breathe steady again, but he was exhausted; his whole body felt numb.

"What exactly...happened?"

"Nothing. I'm just really tired." He closed his eyes and envisioned his warm comfortable bed in the next room. "Do you think we could do this another time instead?"

She didn't reply. He felt her rise from the couch, grab her things from the kitchen, and open and close the front door. He ignored it when she sniffed or cleared her throat. He couldn't think of it right then. It was too much.

Anger overrode his exhaustion.

"FUCK!" He screamed at no one, slamming his fists into the back of the couch.

She'd been right; they'd done it countless times before. They had sex romps practically once a year since they met, but this time he couldn't even make it past unbuttoning his pants before freaking out. He didn't even understand what had happened to him, he'd just...gone away.

JD closed himself in his room and cursed himself for crying into his mattress.


	21. Fall Back

"Say something happened that changes the way I react to certain things. How long would it take to go back to normal?"

He'd practiced the question over and over in the last few days, anticipating the moment when Dr. Rice would ask him what he wanted to talk about. He expected some kind of answer, too, but Dr. Rice just looked at him carefully above his notebook.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to be more specific, JD," the doctor admitted. "I'm not sure what you mean."

JD looked around the room, concentrating mostly on keeping his breathing under control as he desperately tried to find a way to say it without ...saying it.

"Say...say something happened..." He couldn't even say it, couldn't even think about it clearly because the idea was so distant from his mind after so much time fearing Daniel's rage, his violence, but not his touch.

"What happened, JD?" Dr. Rice asked calmly. He didn't even appear curious, just genuinely concerned. For a moment, JD considered spilling it. All of it. But if one more person knew...he couldn't expect Dr. Rice to react like Dr. Cox had. Dr. Cox actually understood what he was going through.

"Forget it."

They moved on to discuss JD's relationships with his friends and coworkers, something that actually made him relax and forget the huge issues looming before him. He avoided the topic of Elliot altogether. But she plagued his mind on his way home.

He hadn't seen her since that night, but two days later Carla had come home from work pissed at him and ranting about how to treat a woman right. She said he broke her heart. She didn't even mention the fact that she thought he was gay and in a relationship with Dr. Cox. It would have been nice to have things back to normal if it hadn't meant that he devastated Elliot along the way.

He'd had nightmares constantly after that night. Constant reminders of the fact that he was tainted by the things Daniel had done. He felt more and more tainted every day. And when Elliot had touched him, it was like even more poison had seeped into his skin.

Who needs relationships anyway? he thought one night when he locked himself in his room. He and Elliot were horrible together; he and anyone were horrible together. He sabotaged every relationship he'd been in anyway, so now he had a great excuse for things not working out. He couldn't...he was no longer comfortable being touched. So I'll never have sex again. So what? The thought wasn't comforting at all.

Which was why he'd try to relay his problem to his therapist...without actually letting him know what the problem was. But it hadn't worked out. There was really only one person he who he knew would understand him. Well, he hadn't wanted to go home anyway. He would have just stayed in his room all night.

Dr. Cox wasn't at home when JD arrived at his apartment, which took a surprisingly long time to walk to from his neighborhood. He sat against the wall next to the door and waited three hours until the older doctor came trudging up the stairs and stopped dead in his tracks.

"Susan," he began, his face dark and tired, "what are you doing?"

A wave of guilt suddenly washed over JD and he stood. "I'm sorry, Dr. Cox. I was just..." What could he do about JD's problems anyway?

But before JD could leave, Dr. Cox opened the door and shoved him into his apartment.

The older man dropped his things in a corner and went straight for the scotch. "Do you know what the lovely Nurse Carla has been accusing me of?" JD felt his face flush: he never imagined that Carla would take her ideas to his mentor. "Apparently we're the newest item, and if I hurt you not even one of my 'silly rants' will be enough to get my balls back from Gandhi." He drank two consecutive shots and poured a third. "So now that you've made another indiscreet private visit to my apartment, how can I help you, princess?"

Okay, so he wasn't in a good mood. Now that JD look closer, Dr. Cox looked about as crappy as Carla said he did: he was pale with bags under his eyes and he looked like he just wanted to pass out cold. No wonder he was drinking.

I'm sure I'm helping in that area, JD thought morosely.

"I'm really sorry, Dr. Cox," he began, backing toward the door. The other man held up a hand to stop him.

"Seriously, what's the problem?"

JD watched him, waiting for some kind of sign that he was anything but sincere. But Dr. Cox just angled his drink around and stared angrily at the chair in front of him.

"I-I..." Okay, this was his chance to get it out, to actually find out how to solve this stupid problem. He didn't want to freeze up every time someone touched his stomach. He didn't want to go without sex for the rest of his life.

"Sit down, Newbie." JD suddenly realized that Dr. Cox was seated in the chair he'd been glaring at before. Must stop zoning out.

He sat stiffly on the edge of the couch and took a deep breath.

"Okay," he began, "here's the thing." It sort of ended there. Nothing he was thinking would come out. "Okay," he started again, then recited: "Say something happened that changes the way I react to certain things. How long would it take to go back to normal?" There. Dr. Cox should have enough information to fill in the blanks. That wasn't so bad.

"You mean the rape."

JD flushed again, the white noise rushing through his ears. He rubbed his forehead, urging it away.

"JD," Dr. Cox said again, his voice low and even. "You're talking about being raped aren't you?"

JD took a deep breath and tried to laugh away his discomfort. "I wish you wouldn't call it that," he mumbled in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"Of course, what would I know? I'm only a doctor who deals with this sort of thing on a regular basis." JD barely noted him pouring himself another glass of scotch and drinking it down. How many before he started to really feel the effects? Would this be easier if he drank some, too? He always hated scotch, but it wasn't really about taste at this point—.

"Are you in therapy, yet?"

JD shook his head, smiling the best he could. Of course Dr. Cox would figure that one out, even though the only people besides JD who knew were Dr. Kelso and Dr. Rice, and probably his receptionist, JD guessed...

"You are." It was sort of a question, and JD realized he hadn't answered yet.

"Yeah, it's just..." He doesn't quite understand me like you do. Yeah, that didn't sound sappy as hell. "I can't really talk to him about it, you know?"

Dr. Cox glared into his drink. "Yeah."

JD took a deep breath, sinking back slightly into the couch. He knew Dr. Cox would understand. "Elliot sort of...came onto me a few days ago, and...I just sort of ... wasn't there. And afterwards, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't calm down, I could barely talk to her. Now she's mad at me, and I'm just... I don't know how to get things back to normal."

He looked up at Dr. Cox's worn and sad expression and knew that this was like all the other questions. There was no quick fix to forgetting about Daniel and transitioning back into his old life, and there was no apparent reason for Daniel trying to kill him after all they'd been through together. There was no answer to this. There was nothing Dr. Cox could say to make it go away.

JD still waited, in rapt attention, for him to say something...something profound and meaningful that would at least make him hopeful about this entire goddamn situation. That one day things could be better.

But Dr. Cox poured JD a glass of scotch and sat back with his own drink. And JD downed it and didn't even taste it and then had another and another. Eventually, if only just for the night, everything faded away.

The next morning, JD never felt so great about feeling so horrible: there was nothing like a debilitating hangover to distract from unpleasant thoughts. He gulped down some water, noting that Dr. Cox's things were gone from the corner, and that his bedroom door was opened on an empty room. He must have had a shift early in the morning.

JD washed the glass and folded the blanket that he didn't remember having the night before. He glanced at the empty scotch bottle in the trash can and wondered if this was the beginning of his life as a drunkard; he really didn't mind it. It helped to block out the bad things. Maybe Dr. Cox was onto something.

When he arrived back at his apartment, Elliot and Carla were standing in the kitchen. They were silent when he stepped into the room, both watching him with guilt in their eyes that clearly said they'd been discussing him only moments before. JD fought the urge to retreat to his room, lock himself in for the hundredth time that month. Carla quickly left and Elliot rushed up to JD before he could back away a safe distance.

"JD," she began thickly, pain floating in her eyes, "what happened? Please, just tell me what's going on now."

He backed away, covering by making his way to the chair in the living room. She sat on the couch. He took a deep breath.

"I guess I'm just not ready," he confessed, choosing his words carefully. It was true, and it was safe. "I mean, after..." he paused, god, he couldn't even remember her name! "Julie. After Julie. It's been hard to really feel that way again."

She looked incredulous. "It's hard to feel that way again? JD, I love you! How can you not feel that even a little bit? I know we've been through this before, but...how can you do this to me?"

She was crying now and leaning forward on the couch like she would jump into his arms any second, and JD knew that it was time for him to comfort her...somehow...but he was frozen in the fear that she would try to kiss him or touch him somehow and he would screw up again and she would realize that he was insane and she would figure it out and they would all figure it out and everything would be over. How much would Turk trust him after that?

"I don't know what to do, JD," Elliot continued, her mascara bleeding down her cheeks. "I don't know what to do to convince you that we should be together. I love you, and that should be enough. Tell me what to do."

Fix me.

He shook his head. "Elliot, I..." He swallowed thickly, avoiding her eyes. "It just wouldn't work out."

She let out a sob, and he rubbed his hand through his hair. His head was still throbbing, dulling the guilt stabbing at his insides. What else could he do?

"Let me take you to a movie." He barely realized he'd said it when her head shot up and her blue eyes chiseled a hole in his migraine.

"Forget it." She gathered her purse and marched to the door. "Fuck you, JD." Slam.

He was alone in the house again. He dragged himself into his room and face-first onto his bed.

Today. Today was Saturday. He had another session with Dr. Rice on Monday. Just another two mornings to get up and shower and dress and brush his teeth and maybe eat something if Turk is around. He was getting better about eating, at least. Maybe he could go out and buy some scotch and drink until everything blurred again like it did last night. It was only ten a.m., but no one was around and no one would notice if he was lying on his bed and not thinking about Daniel or stabbing or sex or rape. Those things could all fade away.

Maybe he'd go when his hangover wore off; it was deliciously debilitating at the moment. It didn't let any real thoughts inside.


	22. Missed Calls

JD eventually slept off his hangover and woke again later that evening. The apartment was still empty, and after a while of piercing boredom, JD wandered to the corner gas station and purchased a six-pack of beer. He downed most of it while watching television.

Sometime during Sex and the City, JD convinced himself that the best way to get out of the mess he was in was to tell everyone everything. It made sense at three a.m. when he was drunkenly slumped across the couch; he couldn't really find a flaw in the plan. If he admitted to everything, then Carla would realize that she was wrong about him and Dr. Cox. She might even apologize. And Elliot wouldn't feel so horrible, so heartbroken, if she knew that JD would have reciprocated her feelings if he could have. Turk would understand, too. He would never abandon JD. Plus, this way JD wouldn't have to keep bothering Dr. Cox when he wanted to talk about something. Everyone wins, right?

So he promised himself that the next time he saw his friends, he would get it over with and tell them about everything that had been going on for the past several months. God, it felt like years.

He was woken the next afternoon from his position passed out on the couch by Carla and Turk coming home from work. It was rare that they got off at the same time, and from what JD could hear over his pounding hangover, they sounded excited about it.

JD sat up and looked over the back of the couch, his eyes half closed in pain, and watched Carla rush into the bathroom and Turk rummage around in the bedroom. He recalled needing to tell them, though he didn't remember exactly why, so he called out to Turk. Yeah, he was supposed to tell them about what happened with Daniel. Everything that happened with them. Oh crap.

Turk, shirtless, poked his head out from his bedroom and raised a brow at JD.

"You alright, man?"

JD nodded, wincing at the pain it caused. "I need to talk to you guys."

"Did you sleep on the couch last night?" Turk asked, thoroughly confused as he pulled a jersey over his head. "What's with all the empty beer cans, have a party without us?"

JD nodded carefully. "Big party. Turk, I need to-"

"JD left his phone in the bathroom closet." Carla marched out of the bathroom. "Oh, hey JD." She handed him the phone that he'd completely forgotten about until that moment, and rushed over to Turk. They started talking excitedly about something, but JD stopped listening when he opened his phone to see eight more missed calls. One was from the police station. Seven were from Daniel's cell phone.

He stared at the name, even checked the number to see if it was another Daniel. It wasn't.

"Oh my God," Carla suddenly squealed from behind the couch. JD jerked his eyes away from the screen to see her and Turk grinning at each other. "Oh my God," she squeezed out again.

"I told you, baby!" Turk exclaimed. Then they were hugging and Carla was still oh-my-godding and JD barely registered it when Turk briefly turned to him to say, "I'm gonna be a daddy!" It all seemed very far away.

JD flickered his attention back to the screen. There were now ten new messages waiting for him. He glanced back at Carla and Turk basking, glowing in their happiness, before rising unsteadily from the couch and stumbling into his room, closing the door behind him.

His hand shook beneath the phone, so used his other hand to steady it. There was no longer an option of whether or not to listen to the messages. This was real again; he could see Daniel in his apartment now, only minutes away and fully able to come and go, to find JD any time he wanted.

No, he's in prison, JD reminded himself. Now both of his hands were shaking.

He called his mailbox and listened as a mechanized voice announced the date and time of the first call. It was weeks ago...from right after the hallway fight, JD recalled. When he watched, half-dazed from a punch as Daniel was dragged off by security guards. A beep. Then Daniel's voice was whispering into his ear as though he were in the room with him.

"Johnny...JD. I promise, do you understand? I promise I'll get you out of there away from that asshole. I'm not going to leave you alone with those people. I'll save you. Listen. I found a way out, no problem. I'll come back for you and I'll save you. I promise."

JD wiped his hand across his face, breathing deeply.

Beep.

"It's me. Johnny. I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry. Sometimes I just get...so angry. I can't help it, I can't help what I do. Do you have any idea what it feels like for me to see him looking at you like that? Like he owns you. You're not his, you're mine! Ugh...I'm sorry. I lost my temper. It wasn't that bad, anyway. Just a scratch."

He could still feel it burning in his side.

Beep.

"It's me, my arraignment is next week. But it'll all be fine, I've got a great lawyer, the judge is a friend of a friend, so I should be out on bail by the weekend. I've got to go, I'll see you soon!"

JD sat on the bed hard.

Beep.

"Johnny, hey. I can't wait to see you again. I'm at my apartment now...just call me when you get this."

Beep.

"It's been over an hour. I don't know what you're doing...just call me."

Beep.

"Johnny, it's me again. What's going on? Why haven't you called me yet? If you're with him right now, so help me God...UGH."

Beep.

"You're not that hard to find, so don't think that I can't just come and get you. Goddammit, Johnny, you can't hide forever!"

Beep.

"I love you, okay? Can't you see that I love you? I'm better than him, I know you, I care about you, I understand you, I'm always there for you. You can talk to me about anything, anything in the world and I'll understand. You know you can't let that go. I won't let you ruin this relationship."

Beep.

"Fuck you, Johnny! You don't know what you're doing! You're just a screw up barely worth a good fuck and I don't need you! God, you don't know what I've given up for you! Just to make you happy, just to protect you! Why won't you talk to me?"

Beep.

"I don't know if you're back at work or...if you quite like we planned. Just...I'll see you soon. If you're at your place, just stay there. I'll see you soon."

The last one had been left only fifty minutes ago. On the whole, the seven messages from Daniel's cell had been left during the last ten hours.

JD's entire body was shaking like crazy by the time he finished the messages. Daniel's voice had been all over the place, sometimes screaming with rage and sometimes whispering or cooing at him with all the attentiveness that he used to show when JD was troubled. And JD didn't want to cry again, was tired of crying, but he felt that goddamn pull in his stomach telling him that Daniel was the only thing that could make him feel complete again, and all of the logical arguments that he could muster up were saying the complete opposite, and the combination made him want to slit his wrists and feel it all fade away.

What did he mean, what did he mean? JD chanted in his head. Where is he now, is he coming here? Will he be here soon? What will I do? Are Carla and Turk still here? He couldn't concentrate on the outside world long enough to listen for their voices outside his door.

What do I do? What am I supposed to do? Find him, go to him? Call the police? Call Dr. Cox? Hide? All he wanted to do was hide, hiding under his bed felt like the only real solution at the moment.

He was breathing too hard again. He only knew because his lungs were burning, but he couldn't feel himself breathing at all, couldn't even lower the phone from his ear. He could see the door in front of him. He waited for it to open and for Daniel to appear with the gun...he didn't know how long he waited, only that eventually the white noise rushing through his brain faded away and he could hear himself gasping as though in pain and he finally lowered the phone and tried to concentrated on slowing his breathing.

He told himself that it was okay, that it would all be fine, because that's what everyone says when bad things happen. He could hear the television on in the living room and hoped to God that the sounds had covered his panic attack. Carla and Turk were still talking excitedly about...right, about the baby. Carla was pregnant. It was huge for them.

JD forced himself to stand, his breath hitching only slightly now. He tried to make himself go out into the living room, but he couldn't even make his hand to lift to the doorknob. Instead, his body moved on its own, backing into the far corner and sliding down the wall. He still watched the door.

There was a knock at the door.

At first JD thought it was at his bedroom door and his entire body froze. Then there were several more rapid knocks and he could hear Carla open the door to the apartment and greet whoever was on the other side with surprise. JD shrunk further into the corner, relaxing only slightly; if it had been Daniel, she would have been alarmed, angry, something.

Unless she wanted Daniel to come take him away.

Shut up! He screamed at himself, closing his eyes tightly when he realized he was yelling at his own thoughts. It couldn't have been Daniel. There was just no way.

The door to his bedroom swung open and JD flinched away, covering his face with his hands.

"Newbie?"

His head jerked back and he let out a sobbing laugh when he saw Dr. Cox standing in the doorway looking around confusedly. Dr. Cox looked at him in shock when he heard the laugh.

"What are you doing down there?"

JD just shook his head. It surprised him that he was so happy to see the older man, but he probably would have been thrilled with anyone other than Daniel standing there.

JD couldn't remember Dr. Cox moving across the room, but he was suddenly in front of him, staring at him strangely. He looked pale and worn, almost as bad as JD felt.

"Did something happen?" Dr. Cox asked, seeming almost afraid. JD just took a deep trembling breath and shook his head. "Come on. Get up." Dr. Cox held out a hand and JD took it as he uncurled his tensed body, wondering how insane he must have looked for the other man not to have even made a snide comment about him hiding in the corner.

"Why were you on the floor?" Carla's voice suddenly spoke up. JD looked around his mentor to see her and Turk watching from the doorway. He felt his face flush, quickly letting go of Dr. Cox's steadying hand.

"I'm fine," he said finally, his voice shaking. "Must have fallen...tripped over something..." He brushed his hand across his pants as though wiping the dust away and looked at Dr. Cox in askance. Now that he was here, JD didn't feel as afraid. But why was he here?

"Come on," Dr. Cox told him quietly as though ignoring the other two people in the room. "Let's go get some coffee." He looked JD up and down. "And lunch, you look like a fucking ballerina."

JD nodded and followed him out of the room. As they passed through the doorway, JD saw Carla give Turk a significant look, but he didn't see how Turk reacted to it. His heart sank.

Dr. Cox dragged him to a coffee shop across town and order him a sandwich. They sat in silence for a while, JD – his brain practically shut down from exhaustion – basking in the fact that he felt safe. He didn't know what would happen when he went back home, but at least now he could tell Dr. Cox about the messages.

Dr. Cox, on the other hand, looked anxious, angry, upset...he glared around the room, his eyes seemingly avoiding JD altogether. He didn't speak until JD had finished half of his sandwich and pushed the rest away.

"Eat it all, you obviously haven't returned to a regular diet."

JD looked at him closely, noticing that he had recently lost some weight as well. Too tired to argue, he took a few more bites before giving up, fearing he would vomit.

Dr. Cox still didn't speak.

"I had some messages on my phone today," JD began, surprised at how shaky his voice still was. "They were from Daniel. His cell phone."

"He's out on bail," Dr. Cox interrupted quietly. "He was released yesterday, but I only heard about it this afternoon." He slammed his fist into the table, causing the customers around them to look their way. "There's no reason why that bastard should be out! None! He was up for attempted murder, he's got no family, no connections to the area! There's no reason why he wouldn't run as soon as he got out!"

One reason. JD didn't say anything.

"I didn't know if he would...," Dr. Cox gestured lamely toward JD, and JD realized that Dr. Cox had come to protect him from Daniel. "You know...try again. Try to finish it." He was avoiding eye contact; he was embarrassed.

JD lowered his eyes. "In the messages...he said he would come get me." Dr. Cox looked at him sharply.

Now that he was calmed down, JD's hangover had returned full force. He rubbed his forehead and took several more deep breaths. Dr. Cox was still watching him.

"I didn't know what to do," JD continued. "I didn't know if I should call you or call the police or just...hide. Or go to him." He was surprised that he admitted the last part out loud. But he knew Dr. Cox would understand what he meant.

He still just watched as JD drank the rest of his coffee, hoping the caffeine would take care of some of his headache JD finally looked up to see him staring out into space.

"You can stay at my place," Dr. Cox suddenly decided out loud. JD just looked at him. "I don't care about the goddamn rumors, Newbie, we both know it's all a load of crap. You can stay with me until the trial in a couple of weeks. I'll take a few days off; Bob owes me. You start again at the hospital next week, there's no way he's going to take you from there again. Everyone knows him."

JD nodded enthusiastically, then frowned. "You're sure? I mean, the rumors are just going to get worse when Carla finds out, and Turk..." Turk might start to believe them.

"Don't worry about the wife and kids, Shirley, just worry about yourself for now. This is the guy that tried to off you, remember? And he nearly did; you lost enough blood to run a toddler. He beat you, raped you, put you in the hospital for weeks—"

"I get it, okay?!" JD was sure that people were staring again. He hid his face in his hands. "God, don't think I don't remember, I just...don't want your life screwed up by this whole thing, too."

Dr. Cox scoffed. "Do you think I get any more sleep at night than you?" he asked darkly. JD blanched. "Never mind, look, just, just don't worry about it, okay? It'll only be for a while and then things will go back to normal."

JD nodded as though they'd come to an agreement, even though he could feel Dr. Cox's final words hanging in the air; they both knew that things would never go back to 'normal'.

Dr. Cox boxed the remainder of JD's sandwich and they drove back to JD's apartment. Carla and Turk rose quickly from the couch when JD entered, but they didn't say anything.

JD swallowed thickly. "I'm going to stay at Dr. Cox's place for a while," he told them. He felt like a teenager running off to avoid a bully after school. Carla and Turk just watched him pack some clothes and leave.

They made it back to Dr. Cox's apartment by around dinnertime. JD relished in the hope and safety that he was feeling just by being around his mentor. It was almost like the way he used to feel...

Dr. Cox opened the door and a large black object knocked into his head, felling him to the floor. JD stared, shocked, then looked up to see Daniel panting and glaring at him from just inside the apartment.


	23. No Running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for rape in this chapter.

JD wanted to look at the body on the floor in front of him, but he couldn't. His mind screamed at him to look, to at least see if his mentor was still breathing, but Daniel's piercing blue eyes bore into his and he couldn't look away.

Daniel was breathing hard. Something dark fell out of his hand, and JD quickly realized that it was a frying pan. A frying pan to the side of the head. Just a mild concussion. That wouldn't kill a man, would it? Not a strong man.

Something in Daniel's eyes changed and his lips began to quiver. "I didn't really believe...that you'd be here. I can't believe you're here." For once his voice matched his face; he looked devastated. "I came just in case, just to see. I thought maybe...maybe you were telling the truth. Maybe this bastard just had a thing for you and it wasn't reciprocated." He took a deep, shivering breath. "But you're here."

JD took a step back when Daniel moved toward him, and a tear slid down Daniel's cheek. JD had never seen him cry before.

"I thought as soon as I was sure that you were telling the truth, we could just start over," Daniel continued, stepping over Dr. Cox's torso and into the hallway. "I can't believe you're here." More tears fell, blurring his eyes, and JD glanced down to the body in the doorway. Dr. Cox's back moved gently up and down: he was alive.

When he looked back up, Daniel was staring at the overnight bag strung across JD's back.

"It's not what you think, Daniel," JD whispered; he couldn't seem to make his voice any louder than that. All he knew was that Dr. Cox was alive, and that he had to get him help before Daniel did anything worse to him. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't run away. He kept telling himself that, even as his feet slid back away from the apartment. He couldn't run away.

"Well what else could it be?!" Daniel screamed. He turned, practically sobbing, then rounded back on JD. "God, how could you do this to me? I actually started to believe you, I actually thought..."

JD took a couple of deep breaths and forced himself to say, "Dr. Cox and I aren't together. We never were –"

"Just stop it!" Daniel backhanded him hard enough to bring him to the ground and make him taste blood in his mouth. JD honestly never thought he'd feel that again. "I was an idiot for trusting you! Now I know better."

JD slowly rose to his feet. He was determined to ignore his stinging jaw, but he couldn't help darting his eyes to Daniel's hands. He watched them form into fists as he swallowed the blood in his mouth, feeling sick.

JD looked around the hall, desperate for someone to show up, for something to happen. He was beginning to breathe too hard again. "I don't know what you want me to say, Daniel," he choked. "I never –"

"Just get in the fucking apartment!" Daniel ordered. JD looked back at Dr. Cox's unmoving body but Daniel grabbed him by the shirt and threw him through the doorway behind him.

The apartment was trashed. The television had been smashed in – probably by the frying pan – and there were shards of shot glasses and scotch-soaked clothing strewn across the floor. JD stood to the side of the door and watched with apprehension as Daniel dragged the body into the apartment and slammed the door shut.

"Take off the backpack," Daniel commanded, suddenly calm. JD reluctantly did as he was told, ignoring his own shaking hands. A phone. He needed a phone. His cellphone was in his pocket; he only needed seconds to reach in a dial 911. He wished he'd thought of it while Daniel was dragging in Dr. Cox's body because now he just stared at JD as if deciding what to do with him.

"Well," Daniel finally said, wiping the tears from his face, "no one can say I didn't try to make this relationship work. I just don't know what else you want from me. I've done everything I could to be there for you, to protect you, to love you..."

"You stabbed me," JD croaked, wrapping his arms around his middle, one hand on the new scar on his side. He could still taste blood in his mouth.

Daniel just sighed impatiently. "I called you, didn't you get my message? I said I was sorry, I overreacted. Well, I thought I overreacted. Turns out I was right about everything." He toed Dr. Cox's arm.

JD shook his head. "Why did you do it?" He just wanted to know, once and for all. But Daniel just looked at him like he didn't understand the question. "Why did you do it, Daniel? I did everything you said that day! What did I do wrong!?" His voice was stronger now, but it looked like his yelling was only making Daniel more angry. It was worth it.

"Why did I stab you?" Daniel asked, incredulous and annoyed. "You're mine!" he scoffed. "I can do whatever the hell I want with you! And there's no way I'm letting you leave me for some big-shot doctor who treats you like shit anyway! God, Johnny, when are you going to get that through your head! I'm the only one who really knows you, who really cares about you!"

JD shook his head. "You're wrong." And he really believed it. Turk trusted him, Elliot loved him, Dr. Cox wanted to protect him and Carla just wanted to understand him. "You're the only one who doesn't care about me."

Daniel was fuming. "What the fuck do you know?!" he cried, and in his haste to get to JD, tripped over Dr. Cox's arm.

JD jumped back and yanked his cellphone from his pocket. He dialed 911 as quickly as he could with his shaking hands and looked up just in time to see Daniel lunge at him, knocking his head hard against the linoleum at the edge of the kitchen. His vision swam and he heard Daniel say something about little kids. Suddenly Daniel's face was above him, his knees pressed tightly against either side of his stomach as though he were lucid enough to move anyway.

"That was stupid," Daniel said, grabbing his chin and forcing JD to look him in the eye. "You're a stupid man, JD." He swooped down and kissed him hard, thrusting his tongue into JD's mouth and running it over everything it could find as JD slowly became aware enough to push his hands against Daniel's chest, breaking the contact.

"Stop, stop," JD begged breathlessly. Daniel just grabbed his hands and pinned them above his head. He moved his mouth down JD's neck.

Panic quickly set in. "God, please, please, please, please," JD murmured, still dizzy and unable to catch his breath. He was further debilitated by the onslaught of memories that flashed in front of his eyes when Daniel removed one hand from his to run it up under his shirt. "Don't do this, Daniel, please, I didn't do anything, I swear!" Tears made his vision blurry, but he couldn't see what was going on anyway. He could only feel. He squeezed his eyes shut.

"Your neck was always my favorite part," Daniel murmured sensually into JD's ear, his tongue moving down to lap at JD's jugular. "I don't know why, I just found it...irresistible." The hand under his shirt was gone, but his relief was short-lived as he soon felt it wrap tightly around his neck.

JD's eyes shot open and he could see Daniel's angry, tear-filled eyes glaring down at him. When the hand tightened enough that JD couldn't take a breath, adrenaline suddenly surged through his system and he yanked his hands out from under Daniel's grip and sent a fist into his jaw.

It was a weak punch, but it surprised Daniel enough to fling him aside so that JD could jump up and run for the door. Just before reaching it, he spotted Dr. Cox's unconscious form on the floor and hesitated just long enough to hear Daniel scream something behind him and everything went dark.

The first thing JD thought about as he woke was that he was freezing. And then sharp pain stabbed him in the back of the head over and over again and he groaned; it was the hangover from hell. He could already tell through his eyelids that it was way too bright for a hangover.

"Look who's awake."

That's when he realized that there was a hand on his thigh, and said hand had started moving, caressing up and down from the inside of his knee to way too close to his crotch. It sort of tickeled, but not in a bad way...

And then he realized that he wasn't wearing any pants. Or a shirt. And that the hand on his leg belonged to a really really pissed off Daniel.

His eyes would have shot open if he weren't so groggy and in so much pain. The room was shockingly bright when he squinted them open.

Dr. Cox was staring at him wearily from his position tied to a chair five or six feet away.

"See, I told you it wouldn't be too long," Daniel's voice cooed right next to his ear. "Johnny's a good boy. He wouldn't keep me waiting."

JD realized that he was talking to Dr. Cox. He looked down to see his bare, white legs and Daniel's strong hand clutching his upper thigh. He still had his boxers on. That had to count for something, right?

His brain wasn't working very fast at the moment.

He subconsciously shifted away from Daniel's hot breath on his neck and felt a twinge in his shoulder. Another tug on his hands and he realized that his arms were tied above him to a door handle. The bathroom door, he recalled. He hoped that he wouldn't have to go any time soon.

He glanced at Dr. Cox, who also looked only about half conscious. Just as JD was about to suggest that they each grab a catnap before they fall asleep sitting up, the hand on his thigh began rubbing and massaging his leg. He looked down at it, his head screaming in protest at the movement, and suddenly he realized what was going on.

His eyes shot back to Dr. Cox and noted the many emotions clearly visible across his face: anger, exhaustion, pain, fear, and defeat. There was defeat there, plain as day, and JD knew that there was nothing his mentor could do to stop whatever was about to happen.

JD slowly turned his aching head to Daniel, who was watching him and Dr. Cox with a triumphant rage that JD had never seen on anyone's face ever before. The hand moved higher, and Daniel turned to glare at Dr. Cox.

"Now I can show you what's mine," he said quietly, calmly. Dr. Cox glared back but didn't say anything. JD's heart sank.

"What are you doing, Daniel?" JD asked, his voice high and shaky. He already knew what Daniel was doing, and he was pretty sure that he preferred the choking at this point.

Daniel leaned in to kiss JD's neck and the hand fluttered up across his boxers and to his side. JD jerked his knees up and pressed them tight to his chin, blocking the hand and the kisses.

"This could be easy for you, or it could be hard," Daniel explained frankly.

JD shook his head, shivering. "This c-couldn't be easy for me." Not without a six-pack of beer and another blow to the head.

Daniel fumed, breathing hard out his nose in an attempt to calm himself.

"He doesn't want you," Dr. Cox huffed. "Get over it, asshole."

In a movement that was practically instantaneous to JD, Daniel had crossed the space between them and punched Dr. Cox across the face.

"You're only making this worse for him."

JD tugged at his wrists; they were tied with a white cord and slowly loosening. But soon Daniel was kneeling in front of him, a sly smile on his lips.

"Fine, Johnny. JD. We'll do this the hard way." He placed a hand on each of JD's knees and suddenly forced them apart and lunged between them. JD cried out more in surprise than pain. Daniel's fingertips quickly dipped under the waste band of his and yanked down. It was just like one of his nightmares! JD kicked his legs up, attempting to at least distract Daniel enough that he couldn't remove his own clothing. But Daniel just smirked and placed one hand, once again, around JD's narrow throat. He squeezed and white splotches danced across JD's vision; he could just barely breathe in short gasps.

Daniel certainly wasn't crying this time; in fact, he seemed to be enjoying himself. He pulled JD's boxers down a bit more with his free hand, then began working on his own pants.

JD quickly lost the energy to kick. He could barely see anymore. But he was comforted by the fact that he would most likely be unconscious or dead before Daniel could really do anything.

He heard a distant voice, gruff but high. It became louder as his vision got darker. And just on the edge of his sight, Daniel's smile grew bigger.

But he couldn't feel anything anymore.


	24. Bang

JD's vision swam in and out and it took him a moment to realize through his pounding migraine that Daniel was no longer in front of him. He tilted his head up, and squinted hard enough to see Dr. Cox sitting across from him, but not looking at him. He was watching the door. Where was Daniel?

His hearing and vision rushed back to him suddenly and JD could hear someone pounding at the door to the apartment. It was Carla, yelling something about the truth, once and for all, and then Dr. Cox turned to him and almost seemed to smile; the despair was gone, at least.

We're saved? JD wondered to himself. He didn't really believe it.

Soon enough, Daniel entered the room from the kitchen with a large butcher's knife. He went directly to Dr. Cox, completely ignoring JD.

"Good boy, Perry," Daniel cooed. Dr. Cox just glared at him, and JD noticed for the first time the blood dripping down the side of his head and onto his shoulder. That couldn't be good. "Now," Daniel continued, "tell them that Johnny isn't here, and that they need to go away." He twirled the knife in his hands menacingly. It was an obvious threat, and JD wondered who it was directed at...who would he punished if Dr. Cox yelled for her to call 911?

Dr. Cox met JD's eye for a moment and he knew that his mentor was thinking the same thing. Would it be worth it for one of them to go down? JD suddenly longed for the knife to be against his throat so that he could call out. He could save Dr. Cox and end his own misery.

"Go away, Carla," Dr. Cox grumbled just loud enough for the pounding to stop.

"Perry, let me in! I want to know what's going on!" Now she's asking question, JD thought bitterly. Before, she'd just assumed the worst.

Daniel prodded Dr. Cox's shoulder with the point of the knife when he didn't respond, making him shout, "Nothing's going on, now will you mind your own goddamn business?!" Then he took a stuttering breath, in obvious pain. He probably had as bad a migraine as JD.

"Percival Cox, I will break this door down," Carla threatened. Daniel cursed. "JD, I know you're in there! You owe us both an explanation."

JD groaned; Turk was out there as well. He could hear his anxious voice arguing quietly with her behind the door. He tilted his head down – which caused him more pain that he expected – enough to see that his boxers were halfway down his thighs. Daniel was fully dressed, but JD didn't know how long he'd been out...hours? Or mere seconds? Hell, he wasn't even sure if he had passed out or if he'd just been dazed. Did anything happen? He pulled his knees into his chest, almost wishing Carla and Turk weren't trying to break into the apartment.

The knife pressed into Dr. Cox's shoulder, drawing a tiny stream of blood. "Get her the fuck out of here," Daniel advised, his calm demeanor lost.

Dr. Cox was looking at JD...trying to tell him something? JD searched his hazy mind for an explanation, but none came. Then Dr. Cox yelled, "You do your best Carla. I believe in you."

The knife pressed in deeper and Daniel quietly fumed, "What the hell was that?" JD was confused as well; there was no response from the hallway.

"Sarcasm?" Dr. Cox suggested.

All three men were watching the door, listening silently for a response. After some whispering, footsteps rushed down the hall, away from the apartment. Daniel let out a long sigh.

"I wish I could say you were getting a reward for that," he told Dr. Cox, moving away to place the knife on an end table, "but it just made me more pissed off. And look who's ready for more."

JD carefully raised his head to look at his former best friend, who strutted toward him, eyes filled with hate and malice. And lust.

Before Daniel made it halfway to him, there was a huge BANG! and the door crashed open, splinters flying where the lock was in the wall. Turk stumbled in holding his shoulder, Carla close at his heals, and stopped dead when he looked up at the scene in front of him. Everyone was stunned for a moment.

Daniel lunged for the knife, but Dr. Cox anticipated the move and lurched himself to his feet and swung his chair into Daniel's back, knocking him into Turk who caught the man and pulled his hands behind his back.

"What the hell?" Turk cried. His eyes fell on JD's frame, curled up against the bathroom door, long arms stretched above his head and blood matting his hair. JD blushed, trying desperately to cover himself with his legs, but he was so filled with relief that he just felt like passing out instead. Dr. Cox had fallen back onto his chair. His head hung over his chest and JD wondered if he'd stolen his idea and passed out.

Daniel was screaming something as he flailed in Turk's grasp, but JD couldn't make it out. Carla had backed against the shattered door, her hand over her mouth obviously in shock. Dr. Cox yelled something at her and she struggled to remove her phone from her pocket. Turk shook Daniel, said something to him, looked back at JD. JD smiled at him as best he could and laid his head back against the door to take a quick nap.

Some time later he woke to someone lifting his eyelids and shining a light in his eye. Very rude.

"Stoppit," he slurred. There was some woman in front of him and his shoulders ached. She opened the other eye and shined a light there too, and when JD flung his arm at her to get her to go away he realized that he was no longer tied up.

He slowly opened his eyes and the ceiling fan from Dr. Cox's living room. And the annoying woman who was saying something and holding his wrist. She touched his neck and he flinched away, scrambling back until the back of his head met the side of a couch.

"Sir, don't worry, I'm just checking your vitals," the woman explained. There were other people in the room, EMT he realized. Dr. Cox was being checked out on the couch...he wasn't even making a fuss, just sitting there answering questions. Carla and Turk were by the door. Talking to police officers. Daniel was missing again. Panic welled up in JD's chest.

"Where is he?" he demanded, his voice husky. The woman glanced around the room and started to say something, but JD cut her off. "Where's Daniel? Where is he? Is he coming back?" He twisted his head, ignoring his piercing headache, trying to see into the kitchen. He was starting to breathe too hard.

Dr. Cox rushed to his side. "He's gone, JD. The cops took him, he's in lockup again. Doubt they'll let him out on bale this time. Not after this." He almost sounded happy.

JD nodded and caught his breath. He glanced down and was pleased to see that someone had pulled up his shorts. He relaxed against the couch and almost nodded off again when the paramedics started talking above him.

"Radio for a stretcher, this guy's probably got a serious concussion. He made need stitches, too."

"No, no hospital," JD urged, his eyes fluttering back open. Now everyone was gathered around him, watching him. He tried to wrap his arms around his chest but sharp pain flared up again in his shoulders. "I don't want to go to the hospital again. God, I'm so tired of being in the hospital."

"Sir, you need medical attention –" the female EMT began, but was cut off by Dr. Cox.

"I'm a doctor. We've got a nurse and a surgeon. He should be fine here." He looked down at JD, who was sighing gratefully. "If you want to stay here?" JD nodded.

Then he was in a bed, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. His head was still pounding – now wrapped lightly in gauze – but at least his shoulders weren't as sore. He grabbed the glass of water on the table next to him and swallowed it all down.

There were voices coming from beyond the bedroom door. It was Dr. Cox's room, he finally realized, and rose from the bed to peered through a crack in the door.

"Well, I'm sorry if I jumped to conclusions, but what was I supposed to think?" Carla's voice.

"You were supposed to give him the goddamn benefit of the doubt. For God's sake he's your friend."

"Hey," Turk broke in. "I never doubted JD. I know he wouldn't hide something like that from me."

"Then what was going on, Perry?" Carla demanded. "Why was he acting like that? Like he was depressed? Bambi doesn't get depressed!" There was no response. "He said that Daniel hit him. Twice. Is that was this is about? Daniel was some bully that knocked him around? Why didn't he tell us? We could have helped him!"

God, could they really have helped me? JD wondered. Uncertainly filled him. Of course, it was all his fault; if he had realized what was going on sooner, maybe he could have told them. Maybe things would have gone differently. He quietly entered the room.

"Daniel wasn't just some bully, it went deeper than that!" Dr. Cox yelled back, pointing angrily at Carla as he paced the middle of the living room. Turk sat on the couch, his chin in his hands. "You think Priscilla would have let some stranger to beat the shit out of him and not tell anyone?"

"What are you trying to say, Perry? That they were friends? Closer than friends?" Carla looked so anxious; her words came shooting out, but she looked like she was about to cry, standing defensively with her arms wrapped around her waste.

"It was an accident," JD spoke, his voice hoarse. Everyone turned to him. "I didn't mean for it to happen, I swear. I-If I could have told someone, I would have." Dr. Cox sneered at that, but said nothing. He also had a bandage around his head, and one wrapped around his shoulder.

"It just...it all happened so fast," JD explained. God, how could he make them see? How could he tell them what happened without changing the way they looked at him forever. He reflexively tried to run a hand through his hair and it just hit gauze. He laughed humorlessly. "It was stupid, just another stupid, stupid mistake that got everyone in trouble." He avoided Dr. Cox's eyes, his pale face, and tried not to think of everything he'd put him through. And for what? So that JD could stand, trembling, in his living room in front of a busted television.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I didn't tell you guys what was going on. And I'm really sorry that I dragged you into this, Dr. Cox."

Everyone was silent. There, that was enough, wasn't it? Now he could go back into the bedroom and sleep for another 16 hours; his knees felt wobbly already after a few minutes of standing.

"JD," Carla called, stopping him as he began to turn back toward the room. "Please. Just tell us what happened?"

JD found that funny, and laughed a little. It made him more tired. "I can't even talk about it to my therapist," he murmured. "Dr. Cox can tell you." That made the older doctor glare at him sharply.

"Like hell I will," he grumbled. "Newbie, I don't want to talk about this anymore than you do, but for you it's at least therapeutic."

JD swallowed thickly; he hadn't expected that. He looked frantically around the room, searching for an out. "Uh...shouldn't Elliot be here? She...she'll want to know, too..." Would it make it easier or harder if she's there? He wasn't sure. But if Daniel hadn't destroyed all of Dr. Cox's scotch – and if JD didn't have a concussion – he'd definitely be getting drunk for this.

Carla was crying. Damn. "Please, JD. I just need to know. I need to know whether there was anything I could have done. Do you understand? What if this is my fault?"

JD shook his head. "I'm really tired." He moved back into the bedroom, ignoring the guilt flaring up in his chest. They did deserve to know, didn't they? He just couldn't...say it out loud. How was he supposed to explain it to them?

Dr. Cox followed him into the room and watched him climb under the blankets. "It really would do you some good to get it off your chest."

JD lay facing away from him. "Please. Can't you just tell them? I'm so tired."

"Sleep, but be prepared to let it all out in the morning."

"I can't. I can't even say it. I can't watch them while I say it." They were both silent for a moment. "He's really gone?" he finally asked.

"Yeah, JD. He's gone."

"It's just...he felt gone before, too. After the knife. I really thought I'd never see him again. What if something else happens, and he comes back? What will he do? He'll find me again." JD stopped when he realized that he was just mumbling his thoughts out loud. But Dr. Cox responded anyway.

"I don't know. I really tried. I tried to make up for not noticing before, but I couldn't protect you."

JD shrugged, his eyes slinking closed. "Not your job."

"I tried to keep you safe. God, I sound corny as hell. It's the concussion. Newbie...I can only promise to.. to try again. To protect you."

"Feels safe here," JD murmured, almost asleep. He barely heard Dr. Cox snort, and then snort again. Was he laughing?

At least it was over.


	25. I Hate You

JD's days were filled with silence.

He woke to a silent, empty apartment and went to work where no one who knew him would even greet him. He spent hours reading patient charts, diagnosing ailments and prescribing medication, but what once been a social occupation became long days of paperwork; everyone who saw him knew that he was empty.

Perverted.

Disgusting.

Weak.

New patients were too quick to catch on to who he really was; doctors and nurses already knew, had known for so long. So long that he'd forgotten what it was like to hear them say hello.

And after long hours of silent work he returned to his apartment and searched flimsy drawers and bare furniture for a way out. It was easy to find; by the end of the evening he had it all laid out on the floor: a knife, a bottle of prescription medication, a handgun, yards of old rope and several small baggies of heroine that he'd been experimenting with in order to lift the silence. And every night he'd look at the items, the tools to his freedom, and then he'd fall asleep next to them and wake up the next day only to place them carefully back into their shelves and drawers and start another day.

It wasn't strength or bravery that kept him from finally ending it. It was only fear. Fear of pain, fear of the next world being even worse than this one, but mostly just the fear of ending the only life he may ever have. Sometimes he had hope of his world getting better. Sometimes, a stranger would glance at him on the street and their unknowing smile would scrape away at the ice settled in his stomach. Of course, he knew if he made any attempt at communicating with them, they'd see right away who he was. But there was always that small grace of hope in their gaze.

His co-workers at the hospital didn't even look at him anymore.

Why would they? How could they? He didn't expect anything from them anymore. Maybe one of them would be the one to end it.

"God!"

JD sat upright in bed, his whole body cold and shaking and filled with the sensation of completely and utter abandonment. He shivered and sobbed openly, barely aware of himself until he finally heard a voice next to him and jerked away from it.

Turk was just inside of the bedroom door, watching him with wide eyes. He was saying something.

JD frantically rubbed the tears from his eyes and took a deep breath. The feelings from the dream that had only moments ago swept his entire psyche away from him seeped away just as quickly and he attempted a small laugh.

"Sorry, Turk," he reassured his friend. "Just had a bad dream." He lowered his fists from his eyes when he realized he must have looked and sounded like a five-year-old.

"No biggie," Turk replied, obviously distressed by what he'd seen. "Do you...want some water or something?"

"Uh yeah, sure, I'll just..." He crawled out of the bed and wobbled on his feet. Still at Dr. Cox's house, he reminded himself. Still dark out. The same night or the next? It felt like ages since that night until he hobbled from the bedroom and saw the wire that had so recently been tangled in his wrists still dangling from the bathroom doorknob. Not so long ago. He took another deep breath and looked away to see that the rest of the room was empty.

"Where's Carla and Dr. Cox?" he asked quietly as he lowered himself to the sofa. His back was to the bathroom door, but he kind of had to go.

Turk settled across from him on the edge of the couch. He seemed so...uptight. "Carla took Dr. Cox to the hospital because he needed stitches." He gestured to the back of his head. "Frying pan, you know."

JD knew. "Yeah. I got one too." And the fact that he wasn't curled up in a ball from a migraine meant that they probably gave him something for it already. Which was why he felt like falling asleep again on the couch.

Turk was silent, staring at something behind JD. JD looked at his wrists in his lap. They were wrapped in gauze. Probably bruised...he didn't think he'd broken the skin. But he'd been pulling so hard... Familiar panic ran down his spine. Bad line of thought. He looked back up at Turk.

"So, Chocolate Bear, you're on babysitting duty?" he asked in an attempt at conversation.

Turk looked at him funny. "Yeah, I guess." Not the answer JD was expecting. No witty comeback about JD being a child? Or Carla being an overprotective mother hen. They fell back into an awkward silence and JD recalled from his most recent nightmare the distance created between him and his friends. He looked back down at his wrists, fiddling with the gauze. In the dream, he'd chosen a knife as one of his "tools to freedom". What would he have done if he'd gone through with it? Drag it along each wrist until there was no way to stop it? It wouldn't be so hard. He'd already tried with pills once, but he'd been too chicken.

Just like in the dream.

He wished Turk would say something. JD felt groggy, heavy with his thoughts. All the adrenaline running through him after the nightmare had left him.

"He tried to kill me again," he blurted out. Well that was a conversation starter. Turk froze, still staring at him. "I don't really know why," JD mumbled, leaning back into the couch. The other man was silent.

"When will Dr. Cox be back?" JD wished he was here now, so that he had someone to talk to. Turk was too quiet. He hated the silence.

"I'll kill him," Turk suddenly announced. JD looked at to see his friend's face puffy, his eyes red. He was crying? "I'll kill him for what he did to you. I swear to God."

JD was taken aback. He sat upright. "He didn't do anything!" he assured him. "Dr. Cox was trying to help me, I swear!"

"Not him," Turk explained, staring hard at the floor between them. "Daniel. That he...did those things to you. Forced you to-" he hesitated, then glared at JD. "How could you just let it happen? How could you keep going back to him? Night after night, that's where you were, weren't you? Not with patients or even dating. You went back to him?" He should his head, incredulity and anger lashing out from behind his eyes. "How could you continue to let that happen and not even tell me? Why didn't you get help? Why, JD?!"

"I..." JD wasn't sure how to answer, so he sat, frozen at the rage he rarely saw in his friend. He already knew it was his fault. Why did Turk have to yell at him about it too? Wait...

"You know?" he asked cautiously, his throat tightening. "You know...about what happened? How?"

Turk shook his head, glaring at JD. "Dr. Cox told us. He said you told him to. He knew all about this and he never told anyone either!"

"It wasn't his fault," JD tried to explain. He was so tired. "He didn't know until afterwards...and he tried to help..."

"He led you right to him, and almost got you killed!" Turk made a frantic sweep with his arm and JD flinched away from him. "Why did you keep letting it happen?"

JD breathed, stared at a piece of glass on the carpet. His whole body was flushed with heat, embarrassment, guilt, shame riding rushing through him. "I didn't know. I told you, it was an accident," he said quietly.

"There is nothing accidental about this!"

He saw out of the corner of his eye Turk dropping his head into his hands and rubbing his face.

JD murmured, "I just wanted someone to talk to." No one understood him when he said that. "It didn't seem so big at the time." Why had Dr. Cox told them? And Carla as well? JD vaguely recalled asking Dr. Cox to do it, but surely the older man would have realized that JD would rather have kept it a secret.

He looked up at Turk still fuming with tears on his cheeks. JD knew what it felt like to have warring emotions bottled up inside of him. Turk wouldn't look at him.

"I'm sorry."

Turk shook his head and huffed at the ceiling. "I just...need to think about this for a while, okay?" He left without looking once at JD.

The apartment was empty and silent and JD stared at the glinting piece of glass that had burst from the television set and wondered how sharp it was and whether or not he'd be able to end the silence when the moment came.

Why had Dr. Cox told them? How dare he?

All exhaustion was pushed aside when JD was overcome with his own anger. What right did some co-worker of his have to reveal something like that to all of the people he cared about? What right did he have to change JD's entire world? All of his relationships, ruined!

JD pulled on a pair of shoes left by the door and left for the hospital.

It was hard to stay angry when his combined concussion and painkillers kept pulling at his mind, making his steps drag and falter, but JD held as hard as he could to the betrayal he felt at knowing that his one confidant had made his nightmare a reality.

His walk to the hospital took an eternity, and by the time he wandered through the front door, it was morning. He was dizzy.

JD stumbled into the nearest bathroom and gulped down some water from the nearest sink. He glanced at himself in the mirror; there was still a strip of gauze wrapped around his head, so he quickly unraveled it and tossed it into the garbage can. Then he met his own eyes in the mirror.

Dr. Cox had been wrong to tell everyone his secrets. He was the only one who had the right to tell them. He was wrong. JD kept reminding himself that. He didn't want to lose the anger. If he was angry enough, he could prove to everyone that he was just as strong as them.

He found Carla and Dr. Cox in an examination room on the first floor. Dr. Cox looked exhausted and fully agitated sitting on the exam table while Carla stood next to him, speaking quietly.

JD burst into the room and felt adrenaline rush through him once more. They both looked up at him in surprise.

"Why did you do it?" JD demanded, doing his best to glare at Dr. Cox. "How could you tell them all? What right did you have!?"

Dr. Cox just looked stunned.

Carla spoke up first. "JD, shouldn't you be asleep?" He glanced at her, almost surprised that she spoke. There was pity and concern in her eyes. Was that all he would get today? He wanted them to respect him, to take him seriously.

"You had no right to tell them." He tried to put more force in his words. "How could you tell them, you asshole!" That did it.

Dr. Cox was standing, suddenly towering over him and JD's relief at invoking a reaction was overcome by a twinge of fear at the intimidating man.

"You asked me to, Newbie, you begged me to tell them," Dr. Cox explained almost calmly. "Here I thought I was doing something nice when really I've gone and given you another excuse to throw a hissy."

JD felt himself blush and sway on his feet. "Something nice?" he demanded. "You made me look like an idiot! Turk stormed out on me! He wouldn't look at me! He wouldn't talk to me, none of them would talk to me!" His words began to slur together. "All they could see when they looked at me was emptiness and weakness and no one was around to talk to because they could all see it in me and the only thing that could have possible saved me I was too chicken-shit to even try! Even though I knew it would be better than living like this."

There was a long pause in which JD couldn't quite focus his eyes on the still faces of his two companions; he knew they were still there but nothing moved and he couldn't quite recall what he'd said to make them stare at him like that, only that he wasn't surprised that he fucked up again. He braced himself against the wall beside him.

"I hate you," JD professed, settling his wavering gaze on his mentor. "You ruined everything. They all hate me know. They all know. I hate you!"

Dr. Cox moved closer and raised a hand. JD flinched away, but he only placed it firmly on his shoulder and shook him slightly. "Newbie, get ahold of yourself. You're making a scene. You're obviously exhausted and not thinking straight. We should have taken you to the hospital before. I'm sorry."

"You're not sorry," JD told him, inching away from the hand on his shoulder. It didn't budge. "You've always hated me. You figured it all out, forced me to tell you everything, and then used it to make everyone else hate me too." Suddenly it all made sense. Why else would Dr. Cox have been trying to protect him. He chuckled humorlessly. "Well, it worked. They all hate me. They all know."

Carla was suddenly beside Dr. Cox. "JD, why would we hate you? After what you've been through...you've made a lot of mistakes, that's all."

He laughed again. Sometimes it seemed so small, like that. What happened? He made a friend, had sex, got roughed up a bit, knocked around. What was so horrible? Why was it so hard for him to get back to normal?

He'd tried. He really had. He tried to talk to his friends again, like he used to. He ate on schedule and slept as much as he could. He started therapy, prepared to go back to work, even talked about some of it out loud. None of it went away, it was always there. Every day, he felt the same way. He felt like he did when he woke up, after the first time. When he realized what had happened, when his entire body ached in affirmation of what had taken place the night before. When he looked in the mirror to see bite marks on his neck and chest claiming his body as someone else's property, and the fading bruise on his cheek attesting to his humiliation and domination. Every day felt like that day, and the drunken nights that followed. As much as he kept expecting it to, it never faded into the past, but just soaked further into his mind. And now it was all around him, in his friends and his co-workers, soon in his patients and his family and the people on the street. And as much as he wanted to appear strong in front of Dr. Cox and Carla, he knew he wasn't. He could easily see that inside of himself; this was swallowing him up.

"You're right, it's no big deal," he easily agreed, smiling at Carla. Perhaps his smile was less than believable, because Carla seemed more alarmed that reassured.

"JD, we don't hate you!" Carla exclaimed. "Turk is just confused! He was so angry last night, when you were sleeping, he kept talking about ways of getting back at Daniel. Why would he do that unless he cared about you?

JD shook his head and closed his eyes briefly. He was so tired. "It's as much my fault as it is Daniel's." He never saw the fist coming at his face, only felt the pounding pressure in his cheek and his knees as he hit the floor. Carla shrieked Dr. Cox's name as JD folded up to protect his ribs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone else seriously stressed the fuck out?


	26. Forget You

No second hit came. JD distantly heard shouting above him, the door opening behind him, and he finally lowered his arms away from his aching face. His entire jaw was on fire. He took a deep breath and looked up.

Carla was crouched down next to him, talking to him, looking anxious and concerned. God knows what she wanted, JD couldn't hear her. He was exhausted.

She eventually helped him to his feet and – to his disappointment – he soon found himself in a hospital bed. He could barely keep his eyes open, but Carla kept talking to him, her caramel face demanding his attention. A doctor's concerned expression suddenly replaced Carla's, and JD jerked back in surprise. Dr. Raymond - the doctor on call - said a few things, then moved off, allowing JD a view of the room. Dr. Cox was gone.

When JD woke again, Carla was next to him, asking him questions and fidgeting with his IV and pillow.

"I don't want to be in the hospital anymore," JD told her. He didn't even remember anyone jabbing him with the IV.

"You're exhausted, you have a slight concussion, and you were just punched in the face," Carla rattled off tiredly. "Just rest a bit longer, then we'll take you home."

JD felt dread rise in his stomach. "We?" he repeated.

Carla nodded and dropped herself into the bedside chair. "Me and Turk. He went for coffee."

Of course Turk. Carla and Turk, always together. Always around him. They even lived with him. How was JD supposed to live with them, always in the same apartment as them? Always knowing that they were talking about him, thinking about him and wishing he was somewhere else. He would have to start searching for his own place soon.

"Turk isn't mad at you, you know," Carla bluntly stated. "Well, I mean, I guess he's a little mad at you, but only because he wishes you'd told us-" Her voice cut off and her face contorted strangely. "We both wish it didn't happen, that's all. Just that it happened... that's enough. But that there were signs that we missed... you said so yourself that he gave you that bruise. What if I'd pushed you, and you'd admitted something? What if I could have stopped everything right then?"

JD focused on his blanket. What if that had happened?

It wouldn't have made a difference, he decided. That was back when things were good. He and Daniel were best friends.

Carla continued, "I can't tell you how much I regret not doing anything, JD. I can't tell you how sorry I am."

She'd started crying, her head lowered, tears falling onto her lap. JD watched her for a while, and then turned over and started at the opposite wall. He wondered only momentarily at his apathy, but soon fell asleep.

\---

"I understand that some things happened in the last week that you may need to talk about," Dr. Rice calmly explained. "If you want, you could tell me what happened and we could discuss it. Or we can just keep it light this session. It's completely up to you, JD."

JD nodded nonchalantly. He felt too...weighed down to care what they talked about that day.

"My friends found out about everything," JD revealed.

Dr. Rice nodded, his eyebrows coming together in confusion, then went back to their normal expression of concern. "Did you tell them what happened?"

JD shook his head and leaned back all the way on the couch. The wall across from him was covered in an odd combination of plaques, framed degrees and family photos. He swept his eyes across each smiling face as he answered,

"No, Dr. Cox told them. I asked him to tell them." Who cares that he had been half-conscious from exhaustion and a concussion at the time? Dr. Cox hadn't.

"So how did they take it? Does it feel better to have it out in the open?"

JD smiled slightly when he recalled that Dr. Rice didn't even know what "it" was. He probably still assumed that JD's entire problem stemmed from the hostage situation at the hospital. It was so much more than that.

"I guess it's okay." But what do I know? Turk hadn't really been around in the last few days. Carla was always either babying him or yelling at him for doing nothing but laying around the apartment. He hadn't seen Elliot. Or Dr. Cox. He didn't care. The older doctor had made it clear that he was done with JD. A punch to the face was hard to misconstrue.

Suddenly Dr. Rice sat up straighter and lowered his notebook. He leaned forward, worry etched into his features; JD suddenly realized how young he was: probably not even 35.

"JD... how do you feel right now?"

What a loaded question. Any response could easily be followed by 'And why is that,' and 'how does that make you feel?' and so on. It was too easy.

But JD mind just didn't work fast enough for him to come up with any other answer but, "I feel heavy."

JD left Dr. Rice's office still feeling a weight in his chest pulling him down toward the ground. In the last few days it had been so difficult to get out of bed, so much effort to shower and dress, but leaving the apartment and attending his session had left him exhausted beyond his understanding. He thought only of going home and laying down; not sleeping, of course. He hadn't slept more than a few hours the last few days.

Carla, he knew, would be at work, and although Turk was off today, he would most likely be out of the apartment, maybe somewhere with Todd or just by himself, happy to be away from JD. He hadn't exactly done anything...yet. But JD was just waiting for the day when he would finally explode and knock him over like Dr. Cox did. And why shouldn't he? When he knew exactly what JD had done, and what he was.

He just felt heavy. And he just wanted to lay down and watch the ceiling change color as the sun moved across the sky.

But when JD arrived home, the front door was already unlocked and his heart began to race as he imagined who could be waiting for him inside.

He forced himself to calm down as his hand rested on the doorknob. Daniel was still in jail, unable to get bail again after being charged with attempted murder (by Dr. Cox). He wouldn't be here now.

Would he?

JD opened the door and was almost relieved to see Turk standing in the kitchen, spreading mayo onto a piece of bread. His former-friend stopped what he was doing and looked up in surprise at his entrance.

"Hi, Turk," JD greeted him. He almost rolled his eyes at how tired and weak his voice sounded. He shuffled through the living room and toward his room until a large object blocked his path.

"JD, we've got to talk." Turk was no longer holding the bread, but he still had the butter knife covered in mayonnaise in one hand. JD felt a twinge of anxiety at the sight of it.

"Okay," JD finally replied. Just get it over with. He eyed the door to his room with longing as he waited for Turk to explode.

But Turk was suddenly moving forward, and even as JD jerked his head to the side he was enveloped in two strong chocolate arms.

When JD realized he wasn't being hurt, he carefully placed his hands on Turk's arms and waited nervously for him to let go.

Which he didn't seem to want to do.

"I'm so sorry," Turk's broken voice suddenly cried out. The arms squeezed tighter, practically holding JD in the air in front of them. JD didn't know how to respond.

"I'm sorry about what happened with you and him, and I'm sorry that I'm such an idiot that I couldn't have helped you earlier, and I'm really really sorry that I was too much of an idiot to help you even after I knew about it. I just freaked out, man! I just left, and I avoided you because I didn't know how to handle it. But what the hell do I have to handle? Just helping my best friend through a hard time. And I was too much of an idiot to even do that."

JD's shoulder was wet.

"I'm not mad at you," Turk continued, taking a breath that rushed by JD's ear, "and I don't hate you. I'm just an idiot, man. I don't care what happened, who did it, who you did it with, I don't care if you're straight or gay or bi, or dating Dr. Cox or quitting your job. Whatever you do, you're my best friend! And it'll always be that way."

JD's hands were gripping Turk's shirt sleeves so tightly that he could feel his nails through the fabric, cutting into his palms. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Turk knew everything, and here he was crying and proclaiming that JD was his best friend. JD wasn't sure whether or not he was being serious...

Turk finally pulled away, and JD could see that his eyes were red and puffy, his face covered in wet streaks. He was serious?

"Just please, JD, talk to me. Whenever you want to talk to me about something, I don't care what it is. Even a breakup, I don't care. It was a stupid rule. You want someone to talk to? You've got me. Fucking two in the morning when I get home from a 36 hour shift, drag me to the couch and ramble on to me about your day for five hours. Please!"

JD looked around nervously, as though he'd find someone hiding behind the couch, waiting for him to say the wrong thing so that they could jump on him, beat this spark of hope out of him again with a few words.

"But," he finally began, seeing that the apartment was, in fact, empty, "Carla said that-"

"And that's another thing!" Turk cut in, making JD flinch away in surprise. "The next time Carla says something that makes you angry or sad or upset, you tell me about that too. She's my wife, and I love her, but you're my best friend. And I love you too." His voice had become softer and his anger and desperation seemed to have dissolved into concern.

JD didn't know what to say. Turk seemed so serious...but it also felt like only yesterday Carla was telling him not to complain to anyone anymore, and praising him for keeping to himself. Because he whined too much. Well, he'd fixed that, and now Turk wanted him to turn it around again? Or was he just trying to get JD to admit to being gay or something?

He finally sighed; his legs were shaking from being up so long and he felt like he could just plop down on the floor and stay there for the rest of the night.

"Look, Turk, I'm really tired-"

"Okay," Turk interrupted once again. He wrapped JD in another sudden hug and held him for what seemed like forever. JD had only just begun to bring his hands up to return the hug when Turk pulled away and smiled at him, still teary-eyed, and moved away from the door. JD ran through to his room, and shut and locked the door behind him.

He slumped down onto the floor, his back to his bed, and watched the door. What the hell had that been all about? What this the beginning of things going back to normal? Now that everyone knows, they'll just pretend it never happened? Pretend that JD was still normal? They'd just forget that he'd been dirtied, unable to protect himself or even choosing not to?

Turk had said that he didn't care what happened. So he was just going to forget about it? Jesus, JD wished he could do the same. Maybe they could all forget about it, pretend it never happened.

JD had found out in therapy today that, although he received an additional three weeks of therapy because of the incident at Dr. Cox's house, he would still be able to get back to work next week. He would start on Monday with a twelve hour shift. Dr. Cox's shift. Hopefully, he could avoid his "mentor" during that time.

Or maybe Dr. Cox will have forgotten about it by then as well.


	27. Coffee and Beer

This is ridiculous, JD thought as he slumped against the wall just inside the room of a coma patient. He was only three hours into his twelve hour shift and he was already exhausted. Spending the last six weeks laying around his apartment had not done his body good, added to the fact that he barely slept the last few nights and only really ate when Carla or Turk cooked and watched him eat. He just never felt hungry, and when he slept he had those stupid nightmares, so what was the point?

JD stood up straighter. Oh yeah, energy. Of course, that was the point of eating and sleeping. Now he had the easiest shift imaginable (9 a.m. to 9 p.m. on a Monday), and it was still beating the crap out of him. At least he hadn't seen Dr. Cox yet; the older doctor had the exact same hours as him, so it was unlikely that they had simply missed one another; Dr. Cox was avoiding him.

This only added to JD's exhaustion; he knew that as soon as Dr. Cox finally did confront him, he would be angry. The combination of standing too long and being so alert waiting for Dr. Cox to finally show up and finally say something that will break him down completely (and it could be anything, he knew, practically anything his mentor said would have that effect) and just knowing that it was coming and dreading it made JD dizzy, forcing him to lean against any solid surface he could find as soon as he was alone. He was fortunate it was so slow and that he was assigned fewer patients than normal because he'd been gone so long. It was all he could do to spend a few minutes at a time glancing through charts and double and triple checking that he didn't screw things up with the patients he did have.

At least Carla and Turk seemed to have gone back to normal. They no longer babied him, just talked to him like they used to. After they found out that JD was already in therapy, they seemed to assume that he was all better again. Except for cooking him the occasional meal (if you could call baking a frozen pizza cooking), they acted like they did before everything happened. It was nice to be left in peace, at least at home.

JD leaned against the nurse's station, glancing through the chart of the next patient he would visit. Many people were at lunch now, so he noticed immediately when Dr. Cox came barreling down the hall. JD's vision swam, his heart racing, and it took him a moment to see that Carla was leading Dr. Cox by the arm, and that his face was full of reluctance...and they were coming right toward him.

Tightly gripping the edge of the counter, JD stood his ground as they approached and Carla gave Dr. Cox one last shove in his direction before wandering back down the hall. She'd had that 'I'm-taking-care-of-you-bambi' smile on her face, but how often has that meant something good?

JD glanced at Dr. Cox to see him glaring maliciously at him, and he swayed where he stood. Attempting nonchalance, JD took hold of the counter with his other hand as well and hoped that Dr. Cox was too angry to notice his weakness...and that he himself was too dizzy to hear whatever his mentor wanted to tell him. He just didn't think he could take it at that point.

"Look newbie...," - looked like his hearing was, unfortunately, fine - "I shouldn't have hit you. I mean, I should have never, but ... I mean, especially under the circumstances..." JD glanced up again in surprise; Dr. Cox still had that angry glare, but he was also obviously nervous, shifting from foot to foot and focusing more on the floor and ceiling than on JD.

"That was pretty much the worst possible thing I could have done and I did it...of course I did it. I just get so frustrated!" He clenched his jaw and his fists and JD's heart skipped a beat and he felt his fingers go numb from gripping the counter. But Dr. Cox became quiet again, "You just remind me so damn much of -" He stopped and shook his head, grimacing heavily, "of myself when I was a kid," he bit out. "Okay? So how about we just play nice from now on, huh? You don't rouse my horrific childhood memories and I won't throw anymore punches. We both move on with our lives like this never happened, don't we? There's a good boy."

JD was so shocked that he didn't even flinch when Dr. Cox roughly ruffled his hair and brushed past him. He was surprised to find himself turning to respond, but moving too fast made his head spin and the world tilt. By the time he could focus again, the hallway was empty.

He slowly forced himself to accept what had just happened. He'd figured if anyone could hold a grudge against him, it would have been Dr. Cox. But if even he could forget, then there really was hope for JD.

He unclenched his fists from the edge of the counter and took several deep breaths. Okay, it was time for coffee. Promising himself that he would ask his mentor out for a beer later - just like before -, JD forced his feet to take him to the cafeteria where he stops in his tracks.

There, sitting comfortably around a four-top was Carla, Turk and Elliot, drinking, eating, laughing, enjoying themselves, and fully adjusted to his absence. JD turned slowly turned around and left, deciding to have some coffee in the break room. He didn't want to bother them, or to make them uncomfortable. It was easier this way. He didn't need them swarming him anyway, inviting him to do things and go places. JD was happy with just being left alone. He just had to prove, first that he was fixed.

JD managed to make it through the rest of his shift with a the help of a half-hour power nap and a lot of coffee and he was both nervous and happy to find Dr. Cox in the locker room afterwards.

He sat on a bench and cleared his throat, causing Dr. Cox to visibly wince. JD hesitated; was it worth it to ask and be shot down? He was shaking with exhaustion, but he didn't want to go home, not yet. He had to do this.

"Hey Dr. Cox," he began, his voice rough after hardly using it all day. "If you don't have anything better to do, maybe we could...go get a beer or something..." His voice sort of trailed off at the older doctor's withering glare, but JD maintained eye contact with him, hoping that he would see how much he need him to say yes.

Finally his expression softened and he looked JD up and down. "You sure you're up for it?"

JD nodded enthusiastically, hoping that he didn't look too much like he felt. Hell, even if he did go home he wouldn't sleep.

"Alright."

That one word was like magic to JD; he felt some of his exhaustion lift in excitement that his mentor had actually accepted his invitation. Things really were turning around!

After dressing in street clothes and gathering their things, the two men walked to a local bar near the hospital and JD ordered a beer while Dr. Cox began downing shots of something really strong-smelling. JD realized halfway through his beer that while Dr. Cox apologized for hitting him, JD had never apologized for all the things he said about Dr. Cox trying to ruin his life. He almost brought it up, but figured that they were both supposed to be ignoring things like that. Besides, Dr. Cox didn't seem mad at him anymore; in fact, he was talking on and on about hockey, something JD knew little about but didn't mind listening to.

Three beers later, JD's exhaustion was lifted, but his dizziness had been multiplied tenfold. He vaguely noted that he was the one talking now, rambling on about Turk and Carla and how they made him eat when he didn't want to and the fact that coffee was the best thing ever created because it made everything more normal. Once in a while Dr. Cox broke in saying something weird and JD realized that he must have been drunk because he could no longer follow the conversation.

Finally, Dr. Cox said something about calling him a cab and JD's focus returned.

"No, no, don't do that," he said, his hand somehow finding it's way to Dr. Cox's shoulder. "I don't want to go back there, not yet, I don't need to go home. I don't want to see them when they've moved on without me."

Dr. Cox was on his cell phone, seemingly barely listening to him, then pulling him out the door of the bar and shoving him into a cab. At first JD was afraid that the cab was going to take him to his apartment, but then Dr. Cox practically fell into the other side, tripping on the edge of the door and shouted at the driver to take them to the older man's apartment. JD felt a weird sense of peace wash over him, and a distant memory bubbled up of when his brother used to bring him soup when he was sick, pretending to be reluctant and saying that it was from mom even though they both knew that mom wouldn't have thought to make soup.

The next thing that JD was aware of was warmth radiating through him from nearby. He opened his eyes slightly then closed them again when a the bright light of a TV shone back at him. He slowly realized that he was laying on his stomach on a couch and just above him (he was practically on top of it) was a leg. JD felt almost unfamiliar comfort wash over him and, still dazed from drink and sleep, lifted a hand to the leg and patted it, perhaps in thanks, and sighed deeply.

But then Dr. Cox grumbled something above him and swipe his hand away, and suddenly he could hear a sitcom blaring on the television and the brightness of it didn't seem so far away.

JD sat up, swaying slightly but in a pleasant, warm way. He glanced at Dr. Cox, who was lounged deep in the couch and staring blearily at the TV, obviously still drunk. JD felt himself smile as he scooted over on the couch and leaned against the older man's side, nuzzling his head into Dr. Cox's neck and shoulder.

He had just began drifting off again when he heard and felt Dr. Cox speak.

"What're you doing?"

His voice was rough and tired and failed completely at sounding annoyed or angry. And JD simply couldn't think of a better response than, "You're comfy," so that had to do.

Dr. Cox was silent for a while and JD recalled something as he was floating between sleep and wake.

"Human comfort," he said carefully into Dr. Cox's neck. He couldn't hear the TV anymore, but little lights were dancing in front of his eyelids so he decided it must still be on.

"Huh?" Dr. Cox finally replied, his whole body moving slightly with his voice.

JD lazily considered for a few minutes before responding once again with the only thing he could come up with.

"Everyone needs a little human comfort," he whispered. Yeah, that makes sense. He couldn't make himself think hard enough to remember where he heard it, but it fit perfectly.

JD nuzzled further into the crook of Dr. Cox's neck and sighed deeply, causing Dr. Cox to shudder. He waited, breathing slowly, for his mentor to do something (he wasn't sure what). But Dr. Cox just stiffened under him, almost seemed to stop breathing, and took no action. So JD let go and fell back asleep.

When JD woke again to sound of heavy breathing and felt the familiar heaviness of an arm flung across his shoulder, his chest tightened before he could even open his eyes. His heart began to race and his breathing sped up and all he could think about was that Daniel found him again. He opened his eyes to see a wide, masculine chest in front of his face, moving in and out and, along with the arm, shadowing the morning light from him. JD started crying; unable to think clearly, his head pounding and his stomach swirling, he only felt despair wash through him over and over and over again, constricting his lungs so he couldn't breathe even to cry out. He'd never wanted so badly to die.

He couldn't see for the tears, but with shaking hands JD was able to slowly remove the arm from his shoulder and set it between his body and Daniel's. Then he slowly rose, biting back the urge to throw up right then and there, and climbed along the couch to the opposite end and carefully climbed over the edge.

He was so tired, so dizzy, so cold. He sat against the end of the couch until he felt like he could move again, his sobbing finally under control, and then crawled along the carpet. He soon realized that he was in Dr. Cox's apartment...he couldn't recall how he'd come there. No, the only memories at the forefront of his mind were those of the last time that he and Daniel were in this apartment, of Daniel tying his hands to the bathroom doorknob and attempting to take him there in front of Dr. Cox. It seems he'd finally succeeded.

JD finally made it to the bathroom and shut the door silently behind him. He crawled over to the toilet and heaved, but only a small amount of coffee and beer came up. Of course, there was nothing else in there; he hadn't eaten much lately.

Finally calmed enough to slow his own breathing, JD leaned against the bathroom wall and considered his situation. First he mentally swept his body in search of injuries. There didn't seem to be any. He pulled himself up to stand before the mirror above the sink to see if he was bleeding from the head; a concussion would explain his headache.

He saw only his normal face completely paled...and he was wearing clothes.

He was wearing clothes. Of course. And the beer, he'd thrown up beer. He had a hangover, not a concussion. He sat himself back on the floor.

He'd only had three beers, he remembered now. He'd asked Dr. Cox to go to the bar with him, and then he'd had three beers.

And nothing to eat.

JD felt like an idiot. Daniel was in jail. He was at Dr. Cox's house after drinking with him. Then why had they been laying together on the couch? That had never happened before.

Feeling foolish, JD attempted to stand and go back into the living room to prove to himself that it was Dr. Cox on the couch and not Daniel. But his legs wouldn't hold him. He plopped back down onto the floor, still somehow exhausted.

"Newbie?" Dr. Cox's gruff voice came from the hallway followed by a knock on the door. "Come on, Newbie, I've gotta piss."

JD took a few deep breaths before answering, "Just a minute," but his voice still sounded feathery light. What the hell was wrong with him?

He heard his mentor grumble and his footsteps moved down the hall before JD attempted to stand again. He pulled himself up by holding onto the sink and carefully slid his feet to the door. He braced himself on the wall as he opened the door and pulled himself out of the bathroom.

Dr. Cox was standing at the end of the hall, arms crossed, hair and clothes rumpled, glaring at him. "And what is wrong with you now?"

JD attempted to laugh carelessly but it took a lot of oxygen that he required to live. "Nothing, just tired I guess," he explained breathlessly.

Dr. Cox snorted and moved quicker than JD could follow. He took hold of JD, one hand on his arm, the other on his side, and led him to the couch where JD collapsed, completely worn out. Even his pounding head seemed distant.

He must have been even more dazed than he thought because when Dr. Cox came back seemingly seconds later to stare down at him, he was wearing different clothes.

The older doctor was silent for a moment, just staring, running his eyes across JD's face. JD knew he looked ridiculously pale, but at least he had stopped breathing so hard. And crying. Although his eyes were probably still red from that freak out...

"When's the last time you ate something, princess?" Dr. Cox asked, his soft voice betraying the demeaning words.

JD thought about it, he really did, but couldn't come up with an answer. "I think, maybe...the day before yesterday?" he guessed. He faintly recalled Turk making him pancakes one morning, but he couldn't remember which morning.

Dr. Cox regained his hard voice. "You went out drinking after eating nothing for at least a day? Do you see why I'm afraid to leave you with patients? You can't even take care of yourself, muchless strangers!" He continued to rant as he moved around the room, but JD was too dizzy to listen; the whole room seemed to be spinning.

He returned moments later, sat a glass, bowl and plate on the coffee table and then sat on it himself.

"Here's the deal, sleeping beauty; you eat everything on this table and I won't take you to the hospital. How's that sound?" His overly cheery voice barely registered with JD, who simply nodded and moved his gaze to the plate of plain toast and bowl of oatmeal. The glass seemed to have juice in it... How long had he been laying on this couch?

"Now I'm going to sit and watch you eat and then go into work," Dr. Cox continued. "And I'm so-ho not going to come back at lunch to make sure that you eat again, so let's just say that if you don't eat you're fired."

JD was taken aback. How would he know if he didn't eat? And could he really fire him?

"Uh, okay," JD simply replied.

Dr. Cox gave him a big fake grin and passed him a piece of toast. "Great."


	28. New Therapy

"JD? JD, are you listening to me?"

JD snapped out of his thoughts and focused on Dr. Rice, reclined in the chair in front of him. "Yeah, I'm listening," he replied, although the look on the psychiatrist's face made it obvious that he didn't believe it.

"What would you like to talk about today?" Dr. Rice asked, looking a little concerned. "Work? Friends? We could move on to what happened that night, in Dr. Cox's apartment? What do you think?"

"Work," JD decided quietly. He was not in the mood to delve into anything deep. Then again, when, in any session, had he really felt like sharing? It was just that, today, things felt different. He was exhausted from working the past week and a half, mostly easy shifts, but he'd yet to really get back into the swing of things; he'd been having trouble focusing on the here and now, his mind easily drifting away at the slightest provocation.

"JD?" Dr. Rice asked again. Now he'd placed his notebook on the table beside him and was leaning forward in his chair.

JD finally began, "Uh, yeah, work has been pretty good. I haven't quite gotten used to the long hours."

Dr. Rice settled back in his chair again. "Who can? And as a doctor it must be doubly stressful to have so many people depending on you for those long hours."

JD shrugged, thinking back to the patient's he'd cared for recently. He couldn't recall any of them clearly; he hadn't really connected with any of them, not like he usually did. He just couldn't gather the strength to care that much.

He considered, for a moment, telling Dr. Rice about the rumor that had been circling once more about his relationship with Dr. Cox. It wasn't something he liked to think about, but now that Dr. Cox was always around him – assisting with patients, watching him eat, sometimes even giving him rides home – it had been easy to rekindle the idea that they were together. Some of the staff, mostly jocky surgeons, had started treating him differently, giving him weird, sometimes suggestive looks, and just being altogether odd.

But if he explained that to the psychiatrist, he'd have to explain why the rumor was started and why it started up again recently.

"I had some trouble with a patient the other day," JD began again. He tried hard to focus on speaking in an attempt to keep Dr. Rice from getting too worried and prescribing him medication or something.

"Oh? What happened?"

"It, it uh-" JD took a deep breath. "He came in with severe stomach pain. But it turned out that he was just a druggie looking for a fix of morphine." JD used to hate when that happened. He used to be so worried about diagnosing the patient, so concerned that he wouldn't find the source of their pain in time and wouldn't be able to help them. Then they'd get their fix and run off. And JD would feel stupid for ever caring. Of course, it was easier this time; he hadn't really cared about the guy. He was just doing his job.

"What happened, JD?"

"The guy got upset when we wouldn't give him anything right away." Upset was an understatement; the guy had been furious. He was huge, pot-bellied, with shaggy black hair to his shoulders and he was pissed. "So he got a little rough, knocked me over and tried to run off but I guess security caught him before he could leave the building."

"That must have been frightening for you. How do you feel about it?"

How did he feel about it? JD thought back to that day. It had been frightening; he'd left out the part where the guy jumped off the bed and punched him in the face, sending him sprawling across the floor. But the guy hadn't just run off after that, he'd jumped on top of JD, yanked at his shirt, tried to bash his head against the floor, all the while screaming that he be given a hit of something, anything, to get rid of the pain. JD could still recall the man's putrid breath on his face.

He'd had a panic attack. In front of the patient, the orderlies who pulled him off, and the dozen nurses and doctors who'd crowded into the room to see what was going on. His vision unfocused and full of holes, he'd searched the crowd of faces for someone, anyone, Carla, Turk, Elliot, Dr. Cox, they weren't there, just a bunch of curious bystanders getting their fix of the freak show.

While he felt himself starting to black out he vaguely noticed a hand on his arm, his back, rubbing soothing circles, and a voice in his ear telling him that he was okay, that he was safe. He came back to the real world shocked to see Dr. Cox kneeling beside him, practically holding him up in a sitting position. The crowd was still there.

Dr. Rice was speaking again.

"I guess I was disappointed," JD explained, calling on his memory of how he was supposed to feel. "I work so hard, every day, to help people, and …," how did it go again? "...it's disappointing to be taken advantage of." Good enough.

Dr. Rice nodded his understanding, scribbling a note in his notebook.

"How about friends? How are Turk, Elliot, Carla? Dr. Cox?" Dr. Rice listed them nonchalantly as though he recalled them from memory. JD almost scoffed, imagining their names listed in his notebook.

He cleared his head, focusing in on the question. "They've been great. I've been spending more time with Turk and Carla, watching TV, just hanging out. We went to the park a couple of days ago."

Dr. Rice smiled; it looked so genuine. "That's great to hear. How about Elliot?"

JD sucked in a big breath. His fingers started to pull at the fabric of the sofa. "She seems okay."

"Just 'seems'?"

She was fantastic, JD knew.

"Actually, we started dating yesterday," he admitted quietly, watching his hand.

Dr. Rice seemed surprised. "You're dating? That's good, right? I didn't realize you had those kinds of feelings for her."

I don't, JD thought. But I'm supposed to.

Elliot's reaction expressed mixed feelings when JD showed up at her door yesterday, but she let him in and even got him a beer before sitting with him on the couch.

"I just really want to apologize –," JD had began, but Elliot cut him off.

"You have nothing to apologize for, JD," she expressed, her voice low and choked. "I had no idea what was going on, and it was so stupid of me for practically jumping your bones like that."

So Carla had told her. JD didn't know whether to be angry with Carla that she had so easily spread his secret around, or relieved that he wouldn't have to explain anything to Elliot himself.

"Elliot, I just really want you to know that it wasn't about you," JD slowly tried again. "I would be with you in an instant if I could. I just—after what happened, I-" This was the closest he'd come to talking about it with anyone besides Dr. Cox. It felt wrong.

"JD, I understand," Elliot expressed, taking up his hand. "I know what it's like."

JD was shocked. She knew what it was like?! "You mean you...?"

Elliot quickly started, "NO! No, nothing like that. I mean, I had a friend who was raped in college. Actually she was studying in South Africa at the time and one of the guys she was working with, who by the way was from the same school as us, totally jumped her in an alley." Elliot sighed, then looked JD determinately in the eyes. "But I helped her through it and I can do the same for you. You just have to take it slow and you'll eventually get used to being touched, and everything will go back to normal, okay?" She actually looked excited at the prospect.

JD just stared at her. She looked excited. She looked so excited and he was terrified.

"It's just like practice, JD. We started with holding hands and kissing and work our way up." She slowly rubbed his hand and glanced at his lips. "I know what happened to you was so hard. But, I mean, it was a guy. So I just have to remind you how different it is with a girl." His eyes widened and she added, "Eventually! After lots of practice."

JD searched his mind, his body, his libido for some want or desire to be with Elliot. ANYTHING. But when he looked at her he didn't see a possible partner, he just saw a threat, someone that could trap him, hurt him.

But he had said that he would be with her if he could. And maybe – just maybe – this kind of 'therapy' was just what he needed. Maybe if he slowly worked his way up to sex with Elliot, he could be cured and actually live a normal life. Maybe it would be worth it.

So he swallowed thickly, took a deep breath, and – unable to actually form words – nodded.

Elliot smiled beautifully then, and it was almost enough just to see that smile. Then she kissed him quickly, causing him to jerk away in surprise. She still smiled.

"JD?" Dr. Rice pulled him out again. "Can you tell me why you decided to start a relationship with such a close friend?"

A close friend. Sure, okay.

JD thought hard, but his ideas were like water falling through his fingers; he couldn't catch enough to make sense of them.

"She's in love with me, has been for a while," he explained. "She's like my dream girl."

"That must be nice for her," Dr. Rice commented. "JD, can you tell me...did you start this relationship because you wanted it? Or because she wanted it?"

JD wanted to laugh; a small puff of air managed to escape his lips. "She thinks she can cure me."

And maybe she can. Maybe this is just what JD needs. Only one way to find out. It's not like it's going to hurt him, he's already too screwed up.

"Cure you of what?"

Well that's the million dollar question.

JD glanced up from his hand to see that Dr. Rice didn't look curious or confused. He looked expectant, hopeful. He already knows.

When no reply comes, Dr. Rice sighs and moves on. "What about Dr. Cox? How has he been?" He asked it as thought it were a lighter question, something he used to move JD away from clamming up completely. JD tried to note that and keep his voice light.

"He's been...helpful," he began. "He's been helping with patients. He even eats lunch with me sometimes." More like hovering over his shoulder to make sure he doesn't screw up and the have another panic attack, and watching him from the next table over to make sure he eats all of his food, but it was still … helpful … to know that someone was paying attention. Of course, it didn't exactly help the rumors die down.

"It's nice to know someone's there for you," Dr. Rice commented quietly, scribbling away. JD watched him for a moment before continuing.

"But, uh...he's decided to take a vacation."

Dr. Rice looked up. "Really?" He seemed genuinely surprised. JD had been too, when he found out.

"Yeah, apparently he hasn't taken one in 12 years," JD told him. It was gossip, just another rumor, but knowing Dr. Cox it was probably true.

"Do you know why he's taking one now?"

I could guess.

"I guess he's just stressed out about everything that's happened." JD tried hard to keep the guilt out of his voice, but he was pretty sure he'd failed. "I mean, he was involved in the whole 'hostage at the hospital' thing too; he got pretty cut up. Then the whole thing at his house..."

The psychiatrist was looking at his expectantly, JD knew. But he wasn't about to go into it.

"I mean, he deserves it. It's not his situation, it's mine," JD shuffled uncomfortably in his seat.

"But you just mentioned that he was involved in all of it," Dr. Rice pointed out.

"Well, yeah, but it was my friend who cut him up, my fault he got bashed over the head and tied to a chair!"

He really hadn't meant to say that.

Dr. Rice pursed his lips thoughtfully, an almost pained look crossing his face. "I wasn't aware that you were giving the orders either time, JD." Yeah, here comes the 'it's not your fault, it's Daniel's fault. No one really got that saying it over and over wouldn't change the fact that JD was the one who kept going back to him, kept provoking him into doing what he did.

"Have you asked his forgiveness?"

His eyes jerked up, shocked. "Have I what?"

Eyebrows furrowed as if in pain, Dr. Rice continued, "Even if all the logic you could muster told you that it wasn't your fault, the guilt would probably still be there. If you feel responsible for what happened, you're not just going to be able to convince yourself otherwise. So, maybe having his forgiveness would lighten the burden, make it more bearable."

JD felt his chest tighten and his eyes well up with tears. He took a deep breath, urging himself to calm down. But no one had ever seen it like that, understood it like that. Not even Dr. Cox, who got everything. And then to have it spelled out in plain words just like he could never do himself, not even in his own head, was shocking and the most reassuring thing he'd heard in so long.

After a few more deep breaths, JD was able to respond; "Thank you, Dr. Rice. I'll keep that in mind."

"Please, call me James," Dr. Rice said, his face softening into a smile.

JD chuckled awkwardly. "You've never told me to call you that before."

The psychiatrist shrugged. "You've never said my name before."

On the walk home JD thought about forgiveness; would it really make a difference? And even if he asked Dr. Cox, would he grant it? Or just shrug it off as another sissy thing that JD was doing in his depression? Would he understand how much he needed it? Sometimes Dr. Cox understood so much more than JD expected.

He thought back to three days before, when he'd first found out that Dr. Cox would be taking a vacation. His first in so long, it couldn't have been a coincidence in timing; he wanted to get away from JD, from the entire situation. JD was an emotional wreck, filled with rage and fear and guilt seeping out of him as he practically jogged to Dr. Cox's favorite bar after work to confront him.

JD had charged up to the bar and shoved Dr. Cox, nearly causing the man to topple off of his stool in his drunken state.

"Why?" JD had demanded. "Why are you leaving? Is it because of me? Of course it is, you just can't take it anymore, can you? Babysitting me day after day, making sure I don't kill any patients or myself!" Dr. Cox just stared blearily up at him. The bartender wandered over and told JD to keep it down and not to start a fight, but JD just continued.

"You don't have to watch me all the time, you know. Like it's not bad enough that half the hospital thinks we're fucking, you have to be around me all the time so they think we in love or something, too. Thanks for that. You know, if you can't handle it, why don't you just stop! Just stop following me around and stop watching me eat, you don't have to fucking leave! I know it's because of me, so just TELL ME!" 

In his fury, JD barely heard his mentor respond.

"I don't like the way everything has changed, Newbie."

JD just held his hands out, waiting for more. "Is that it? Want it to go back to normal? 'Cuz I sure as hell do, but apparently it doesn't work like that. There's no magic fix, remember?" Goddammit, there were tears on JD's face now, just what he needed.

Suddenly Dr. Cox was looming over him, his face beet red with alcohol or anger. "This isn't all about you, JD!" The name shocked JD quiet. "I'm tired of this!"

JD was shocked. "You're tired of this? You're tired of this?"

Dr. Cox swayed, and his voice was so much quieter than his when he said, "I'm tired of feeling guilty all the time. I used to hear Carla complain about you being with your little 'friend' all the time, and now she complains about you being with me. I'm not his replacement, JD."

JD saw white and could no longer hear or think. He'd started yelling, but he couldn't recall later what he'd said. Something about Dr. Cox actually wanting to be his lover, something that made him redden every time he thought of it, but he'd felt so angry, so upset, so abandoned.

He'd screamed, raised his hands and tried to hit his mentor, tried to shove him into the bar into someone, tried so hard to make him angry until suddenly Dr. Cox was screaming back:

"I'M NOT GOING TO HIT YOU!"

And the world came crashing back, and JD stared at Dr. Cox's beet red, tear stained face, his drunken yet piercing gaze, and realized that that was exactly what he wanted him to do.

JD arrived home feeling that deafening wave of anger hit home just like it had that night. He hadn't really wanted Dr. Cox to hit him. Had he? Why would he want that? Why would anyone want that?

He went straight to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. The face in the mirror wasn't nearly as haggard as it had been, but he still didn't recognize himself. He briefly considered wetting his hair and trying to style it up again, like he used to...

He remembered calling Dr. Cox a coward that night. Screaming it. After all he'd put him through, would he ever really forgive him? Was it even worth asking?

He'd called Dr. Cox the coward. But it was really JD. He couldn't...he couldn't ask if there was even a chance that he would be turned down. If Dr. Cox said, no, if he wouldn't forgive JD for all the tortuous months he put him through, then how was JD ever supposed to forgive himself? He'd given up on forgetting it ever happened, but moving on almost seemed attainable when he actually believed that Dr. Cox would say it. When he pretended that it would work out like that...

Such a strong wave of despair rushed through JD that he didn't even realize what he'd done until he looked down to see why his hand hurt. Tiny shards of glass stuck out of his skin at every angle, and the sink was filling with his blood. The mirror in front of him was in pieces.


	29. Step One

The pain from JD’s bandaged hand was a good distraction from his exhaustion the next day at work. Tiny cuts dotted his fingers to the first knuckle, with one sloppily stitched cut stretching across two fingers. Squeezing his hand into a fist brought the world into color, into better focus, when JD began nodding off over his paperwork or zoning out when listening to an intern drone on about a procedure. 

It worked, at least, until JD found himself in the presence of Dr. Kelso. 

“Did I hear you let an intern do a lumbar puncture this morning, young man?” Dr. Kelso demanded, his face red and squashed indignantly. 

Thinking back through the last few hours, JD finally nodded, feeling his face flush involuntarily, heart speeding up. “Dr. Kelso, Dr. Terrence was confident that she could complete the procedure, and she did a good job….”

“When this hospital’s licensing and insurance rates are within your purview, then you will be welcome to make decisions about who can and cannot practice medicine here. Until then, use some common sense or defer to a doctor who has some. Is that understood?”

JD nodded again, and then to his horror, found his vision narrowing and his heart rate sky rocketing. He reached out and placed a steadying hand on the nurse’s station in front of him, responding quickly, “Understood, Dr. Kelso, it won’t happen again.”

“I should hope not!” He was turning around to leave, but JD’s relief was short-lived; the hand on the counter suddenly wasn’t enough to hold his weight, and JD’s vision briefly went black before he found himself staring Dr. Kelso’s feet. 

JD focused on shifting his feet underneath him and grabbing the counter again as a few nurses swarmed him. His vision cleared and Dr. Kelso was in front of him again. 

“Go home, Dr. Dorian.” His eyes narrowed, but some of the anger in his features had faded. “Don’t come back until you’ve pulled yourself together. Monday at the earliest.” He turned and left. 

A nurse called JD a cab, but he didn’t hear much beyond the white noise in his ears. His whole body felt numb, his knees dangerously close to collapsing again. It wasn’t until he was in the cab that humiliation washed over him. 

What just happened?

Was he just dismissed from his job for a week? 

Did he just pass out in front of his boss and a handful of coworkers? 

Maybe it looked like he’d slipped. Still embarrassing, but not so unusual for him. 

Did he even injure himself in the fall? 

Why am I so tired?

Hauling himself back into his empty apartment, the answer to his last question became clear. The kitchen: how long since he last ate? Days….3 days? 

It was easier with Dr. Cox constantly watching him, making sure he ate, bothering him with questions about his sleep and mood and double checking his patients. Having someone around who knew what he was going through and who seemed to care, no matter that the care may have stemmed mostly from guilt, made JD want to act normal. He went to bed at a normal time so that he could at least tell Dr. Cox that he’d tried. He bought food at lunch every day at work and ate what he could because he knew it would make someone happy, someone feel better. Even if it wasn’t him. 

No one around him was watching anymore. 

It was easy to stay up all night listening to music through headphones, staring at the wall, imagining all the ways his relationship with Daniel could have been worse or better. What he could have done better. What he could have done to stop it from the start. 

It was easy to skip lunch and hide away from his fellow doctors and friends instead. He knew he wasn’t good company right now. 

But a human body needs a few basic things: food, water, and sleep were important, and he should know that as a doctor. 

As a great doctor, who couldn’t even stay upright at work, who couldn’t even take care of himself much less a dozen patients. 

Food and water felt like rewards for doing nothing. 

Sleep felt lazy, like cheating. 

Everything felt fuzzy, and the next thing he knew, Turk was home from work (early?), and making them each a sandwich. 

“I heard what happened with Kelso today, and it’s not a big deal,” Turk announced as he slathered two pieces of bread in mayonnaise. “He’s grumpy, you’re challenging the status quo, and if an intern can handle a lumbar puncture this early on, then that’s great!” He cut both sandwiches in half and put two halves on a plate in front of JD. 

When JD looked up from the sandwich, not quite ready to touch it yet, Turk was looking at him patiently. 

“I also heard you might have fallen down or passed out or something?” Turk continued, fiddling with his own food. 

JD took a deep breath and picked up half his sandwich. “Yeah, maybe,” he sighed. 

“Do you think it’s stress or what?” Turk asked, nonchalantly, taking a bite. 

“I don’t know.”

“Is there something I can do? To help? Me or Carla? Or Elliot?”

JD shrugged, head heavy as he faced his plate. He thought about it for a moment and reminded himself that it had helped when Dr. Cox was around to keep track of him. But then, Dr. Cox went away. 

“I don’t know.” He knew Turk was still looking at him, so he took a big bite of the sandwich and chewed carefully. Maybe it would be a bit easier to think if he ate something. 

“Did you hurt your hand when you fell?” Turk asked. 

JD held up his bandaged hand and looked at it like he’d never seen it before. He made a fist and the sharp pain helped clear his mind a bit. 

“Yeah,” he finally responded, “just some scratches,” and took another bite. 

“Ok. Let me know if you want me to take a look at it or anything.”

The offer was a shock. JD couldn’t imagine showing Turk what was under the bandage, but he knew, deeply believed, that if Turk saw his hand, he would clean the cuts for him and maybe redo the stitches and rebandage the whole thing and make sure that JD was ok. Suddenly JD really wanted to be ok for Turk. 

“Thanks, man.” JD kept his eyes down, feeling them fill with tears. He took a deep breath. “I’ll try better from now on, I promise.”

“Try better?” Turk asked quietly. 

JD smiled, tears under control, and looked up at Turk. “I just need to drink more water, eat more, sleep more, basic stuff. Then I’ll feel better.”

Turk nodded carefully. “Sure. But let me know if you need help with any of that, too, ok? Humans are mostly water, we need a lot of it. Remember our screenplay for Waterworld II where all people are merpeople, not just Kevin Costner? We still have to finish that, so keep hydrated, ok?”

He laughed, JD actually laughed, and it felt sharp in his throat. “We have to finish that soon! Before someone else gets there first!”

“It’s a high-demand idea!” Turk agreed. They both chuckled and JD picked at the second half of his sandwich. He felt a bit better, but there was no way he was eating any more tonight. 

“I’ll put it away for you for later,” Turk offered, as though reading his mind. He packed away the food and JD drifted into his room, his meal a stone in his gut. 

¬¬¬¬¬¬

JD slept late the next day and felt like he could think clearly for the first time in a week. He thought of Waterworld II as he drank a tall glass of water, then left for his weekly therapy session. 

“How’s work?” Dr. Rice asked; a safe topic, it’s usually his first question after JD shrugs off his ‘What do you want to talk about today?’

“I was actually…dismissed for a week. So, I have some time off,” JD responded lightheartedly. 

“Why were you dismissed?”

JD tried to smile. “My boss asked me to ‘get it together,’ so I can’t really say definitively what did it.”

“You don’t seem too torn up about it.”

“I guess not,” JD agreed. “Work has been really tiring. It’s hard to focus there, so…this is definitely easier.”

“Do you want to work?”

“Of course I do—” JD started, but was cut off. 

“There’s a difference between wanting to do something and wanting to want to do something. Do you know what I mean? For instance, I don’t want to go jogging every morning, but I want to want to do it.”

“Ok.”

“Do you want to work, or do you think you’re supposed to want to go to work?”

The conversation had gotten away from JD, and he suddenly wished he’d finished the other half of his sandwich this morning. He made a fist instead and took a deep breath at the sharp shooting pain in his hand. 

“I guess I honestly don’t care at this point.”

“What do you care about?”

JD took another deep breath and let it out. “I don’t know.”

“Do you want to feel better?”

He scoffed at that. “Yes, it’s just—” JD was just so tired. “It’s not that easy.”

“What’s not that easy?”

“Getting better.”

Dr. Rice was leaning forward, elbows on his knees. “What would it take for you to feel better, JD?”

JD looked away from his earnest face, shrank down into his chair. “Sleep,” he answered easily. “Eating more, I think. I think I need to eat and drink more, I just don’t have the energy.” He thought carefully about how he felt, tried to remember how he used to feel before all of this started. “I’d have to talk to my friends. I just don’t know how to act normal around them anymore. And maybe…maybe pay more attention to my patients? I miss caring for people that way. It’s just too much. I’m not enough anymore.”

“How much are you sleeping, on average?”

He tried to sit up straighter, focus on the conversation, “Maybe two or three hours a night. But I nap too, some days.”

“Do you think that if you got regular sleep, the rest of the pieces might fall into place?”

JD shook his head. He couldn’t imagine anything in his life being normal again. 

“I know we haven’t talked much about medication, but I think it might be time, JD,” Dr. Rice explained. “I think your situation has built up a lot of anxiety for you, and you might even feel depressed. We could start with a mild sedative and see if getting some good sleep alleviates some of your symptoms, helps you take care of basic needs and communicate with your support system. If it doesn’t, we can talk about anti-anxiety medication or even antidepressants. What do you think?”

“I don’t know,” JD repeated. He inexplicably felt embarrassed to hear that the doctor thought he needed medication. “I’ve never taken anything like that before.”

“I know,” Dr. Rice said gently, “but I think it might help you. And I know the idea of feeling better may seem overwhelming where you are now. I can’t imagine going through what you’ve gone through and trying to function like nothing happened. But you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to pretend to be normal or hide how you’re feeling from the people around you. If you asked them for help, I guarantee they would help you. I guarantee it. There isn’t much I can guarantee, but this I have no problem saying.”

JD nodded along, not really taking it in. Dr. Rice seemed pretty sure, but JD knew better. “I didn’t hide from Dr. Cox.”

Dr. Rice nodded, then sat back. “And he left.”

“Yeah.”

“JD, do you think you deserve to be punished for what happened?”

As JD’s sluggish brain slowly absorbed the question, he felt his face heating in shame. Why was he blushing? Why did that question nick something deep in his stomach?

“I…I don’t know,” he responded, wholly unsure how to answer. 

“Ok. If you did deserve to be punished, what would it be for?”

What would it be for? JD felt papercuts in his stomach, raw wounds opening up along his insides, his chest, his throat and back, rubbing against the onslaught of memories of all the stupidest shit he did in the last few months, vying for his attention for the action most deserving of punishment. 

The time he screamed at Dr. Cox in the bar?

Flinching away from Elliot, watching her cry. 

Lying to his friends and coworkers over and over again. 

Leading Dr. Cox straight to Daniel. 

Waking up after a night with Daniel and accepting the fact that he was raped and doing nothing about it. 

Stubbornly complaining to his friends until they couldn’t stand him. 

JD took up space in a world that wasn’t for him. Every step of the way he had been an inconvenience, a liar, a fool. He chose the wrong paths, made the wrong decisions, and made the lives of everyone around him a little bit worse along the way. 

“Maybe you have some ideas,” Dr. Rice broke in. JD realized he was crying and quickly wiped his eyes. “You don’t have to share them with me if you don’t want to. But do you think that those things that you did, that you might feel like deserve punishment, do they seem like forgivable things? Would you forgive your friend for doing them?”

JD closed his eyes tightly. Suddenly it’s Turk who was hurt, who lied to cover his injuries, who didn’t report his assault, who yelled at Dr. Cox and got him hurt…accidently. Who annoyed his friends with his thoughts and feelings. 

“Yeah,” JD nodded, sniffing and rubbing at his eyes. “I would.” It was an easy question.

“That’s good. If you can forgive your friend for all those things, then your friend would forgive you too. And you can forgive yourself. And then, you can try to do what you need to do to feel better.”

JD stared into Dr. Rice’s eyes, fixated now on his words. It seemed so simple when he laid it out like this. “How do I do that?”

Dr. Rice shifted forward again. “Think of it as step one, ok? Step one of feeling better is getting good sleep, eating food and drinking water regularly, and talking to your friends. That’s all.”

“That’s a lot.” Maybe too much?

“It is a lot at first,” Dr. Rice agreed, “but you don’t have to do any of it alone. I can help by prescribing you a mild sedative to help you sleep until it’s easier for you. Then, you can ask a friend to share meal times with you, so you eat on a regular schedule. You can also set an alarm on your phone to keep track of when you should eat or drink a big glass of water.”

“What about…how do I talk to my friends?”

“You could try telling one person how you feel each mealtime. Something easy at first, like whether or not you got good sleep or if you feel confident about your work that day. Sharing little things makes it easier to share big things.”

JD nodded, exhaustion starting to sink back into his body. “It still seems like a lot.”

“That’s ok. How about we start with step ½? Let’s get you some decent sleep.”

The pills made JD sleep through the night – really, a bit longer than he’d like – but he woke up feeling groggy. He hated the feeling of not being fully awake for a few hours after he got up, but around noon after a full night’s sleep, his mind cleared and it became so much easier to think.

In his mind, he formed a short list: 

Step One:  
Sleep  
Eat  
Drink  
Talk

Deceptively simple, but Dr. Rice was right about sleep making the rest of the list easier. Somewhere in the back of his head, the idea of punishment and forgiveness lingers, sharp and clinging. 

When Turk arrived home from his shift at 2pm, JD was standing at the counter in the kitchen, wringing his hands in anticipation. Turk looked almost alarmed at the sight of him. 

“Everything ok, Vanilla Bear?” he asked gently, and JD nodded quickly in response. 

“It’s kind of weird, but I was just wondering if we could eat together, like lunch or dinner or breakfast, or whatever meal is normal when we’re home or at work, or….” He realized he was rambling and took a breath. “I was wondering if you could help me remember. To eat meals.” This. This felt like a wound too, like he’d scraped off a scab and revealed something he didn’t want anyone to see. 

But Turk seemed…relieved, happy? “Sure, man! Do you want to eat now?” He threw open the fridge as he continued, “I have morning shifts the next two days but we can do breakfast at 6am if you’re up for it, then a late dinner? Carla will be home in the afternoon to do lunch, too. Is it ok for her to help too?” He peaked his head over the fridge door at JD. 

“Mm hmm,” JD responded, feeling almost suspicious of his friend. Turk exhibited none of the curiosity, pity, or disdain that had been expected. 

“This is a great idea, JD,” he said as he arranged a pan on the stovetop and opened a cupboard, searching for ingredients for who knows what. “I know that Carla has been talking about feeding you more, but we didn’t want to seem, you know…” he turned to face his friend, “patronizing? We don’t want to baby you, but we want to help you, you know?”

JD nods as he listens to Turk talk and feels lighter with every word. His mind drifts as Turk cooks pancakes. He wonders briefly if Turk would forgive him if he knew everything that JD had done, but the idea stings and he quickly focuses back on the present with a squeeze of his hand.


	30. Step Two

Around 2pm, Carla waltzed through the front door of their apartment laden with paper grocery bags and a big grin on her face. 

“Who’s hungry?” she howled across the room at JD, who had peaked his head up from behind the couch. He had been trying to watch one of his favorite tv shows to distract from his thoughts, but he found Topanga’s luscious lips and the laugh track from Boy Meets World wasn’t enough to combat the lingering grogginess of Dr. Rice’s “mild” sedative. He’d only just dozed off when the door burst open. 

JD dragged himself off the couch and leaned heavily onto the counter. He wasn’t hungry at all. 

“I said, ‘who’s hungry,’ JD!” Carla twisted toward him holding an onion in one hand and a carrot in the other. 

“Me?” JD guesses, baffled. 

“I hope so, because I got all the ingredients for my famous chicken and vegetable soup,” she told him, moving to the fridge to reveal piles of vegetables on the opposite counter. “It will warm you up, heart and soul. Grab a knife and start chopping!”

He had asked for this, JD reminded himself as he forced his eyes open and on the onion he was carefully dicing. Carla chatted happily about goings on in the hospital while he’d been gone the last two days. Apparently, another nurse almost given a patient a shot in the bottom instead of the arm and Carla had stopped her right before the patient yanked his pants down. In retaliation, the other nurse had spread a rumor that Carla was pregnant. The rumor had not phased Carla. 

“Everyone knows she’s only trying to save face after her screw up,” she explained as she mixed the soup with a giant ladle JD hadn’t known they owned. “Everyone messes up sometimes, and she’s new. She’s just embarrassed.” She sat the ladle down and turned to JD. “But if she goes any further I’m going to have to end her.”

The idea of Carla murdering another nurse was so startling that JD choked and Carla pat his back gently. 

“You weren’t back very long this time,” she began again as he calmed down and drank some water, “but one of your new patients was released today. Mr. Howlett, the one with the appendicitis. He’s doing great.”

“I’m glad.”

“And the man you saw the morning Dr. Kelso…you know…anyway, the man who came in for help with his addictions? He was transferred to Elliot and she was able to get him into a hospital up north. I think he’ll do well there.”

JD nodded. “What about Mrs. Bellamy?” She’d been admitted with pneumonia but had been doing better when he left. They’d played chess once and she told him all about her sons in California. 

Carla was watching JD when he turned to look at her. “She’s good. She’ll probably be released soon. You should visit her.”

JD nodded, but felt shame fill him as he imagined returning to the hospital for a visit. Not anytime soon, that’s for sure. 

The vegetables soon softened, and Carla served them each a big bowl with some buttered bread. 

“I don’t expect you to eat it all, even though my mother would have insisted,” Carla explained as they settled onto the couch with their hot bowls. “You should try to get lots of broth into you, though.”

Hearing Carla talk about the hospital staff and patients reminded JD of how passionate he had once been about his work. He really did care about what happened to the people there. At least, he did before. He wanted Mrs. Bellamy to get stronger and go visit her kids and grandkids. He wanted the young man with a heroine addiction to come out of rehab clean and happy. He’d been so focused on his own situation for so long, he seemed to have forgotten that other people had thoughts and feelings and problems, too. 

“Carla, do you think you could,” he started, feeling a bit foolish, “maybe tell me about the other patients at the hospital sometimes? When you have time?”

“Bambi, you don’t have to ask me to gossip with you. I help every doctor and nurse there, and I come home every day with enough dirt to own everyone in that building.” She sipped her soup thoughtfully. “Maybe we’ll stick to the more positive stuff for now, though, ok?”

That was fine with JD. 

When Turk arrived home in the evening, Carla was chatting animatedly at JD about the most audacious experiences she’d had at the hospital before JD and Turk started working there years before. Listening was easy and comfortable, but at the sight of Turk, JD remembered that Dr. Rice had told him to talk about himself to his friends. He was supposed to tell them about his day, how he felt, what he was thinking…none of which seemed particularly interesting compared to Carla’s story about two drunk sorority sisters trying to start a fist fight with Dr. Cox. 

Turk seemed to disagree, as he broke into the story with, “Hey, man, how are you feeling?”

“Hello to you, too,” Carla shot back, and he kissed her soundly and whispered something against her lips. 

“I’m fine,” JD responded, glancing away. 

Turk soon revealed that he brought home sandwiches, and then both he and Carla watched JD eat over half of a turkey club. At least, it seemed like they were watching him. And that he had never been so full in his whole life. JD felt like he could slip into a food comma any minute, sleeping pills or not. He wondered how long it would take for him to get fat eating like this. 

His roommates eventually cleaned up and retired to their rooms, so JD did the same. He felt so full as he raised his arms to take off his shirt that his hands slipped down to his belly to feel if it was protruding from his meal.

It wasn’t. At all. 

JD stared down at his flat belly in surprise. He could see the outline of some of his ribs. He moved over to the mirror by his door and threw off the heavy sweater that had covered it for who knows how long. 

The view made JD’s mind go blank. 

Many of his ribs were visible, shadowed by the overhead light, and his stomach was concave under his rib cafe. Any definition he’d had in his arms and chest from what little exercise he had done was gone too, leaving a sunken clavicle and pale sticks swinging at his side. He picked up the sweater from the floor, quickly put it on, and climbed into bed. 

He’d never been athletic, or particularly vain about his body. But the idea that he could have become so emaciated without even realizing it was frightening. No one had told him. He hadn’t looked in any mirrors. Did his face look different too?

The idea was alarming enough that JD jumped back out of bed and went back to the mirror. 

He was pale, and his cheeks were sunken. He looked tired. But he looked like himself, recognizable enough that JD turned off his light, took a few deep breaths to ease some of the anxiety that had settled into his chest, and took one of Dr. Rice’s mild sedatives before climbing back into bed. 

Talking was hard at first, but once JD forced himself to drop information about how he was feeling into conversations with Turk, it became very easy. Because Turk wanted to know exactly how JD was feeling. Turk drank in the information like a man lost in a desert and asked questions to pull out more information whenever he could. 

Carla was a little harder. When JD told her out of the blue one day while they were eating salads she picked up on her way home that he missed the smell of the big research manuals at the hospital, her eyes went wide and still. 

“Oh, JD,” she began, setting her bowl down on the coffee table, “you’ll be back at the hospital soon, just a few more days, ok?”

He’d nodded quickly and asked her how Elliot was doing, a subject he hoped would be less intense. 

“She’s good,” Carla responded. “You should visit her.”

Sometimes JD wondered if Carla was just trying to get him out of her hair when she recommended that he visit anyone he happened to mention. But he was in the apartment all hours of the day and night, so maybe it would be good to get out. 

On the fourth day of his suspension, JD visited Elliot at her apartment. In the past few weeks, they’d been experimenting with exposure therapy: a light make out session with minimal touching followed by a cuddle. JD did enjoy the cuddling part after a while, and even the make out sessions weren’t too bad until Elliot started to try to remove his shirt. Any touch of her body against the skin under his clothes sent his brain to sleep until, very suddenly, he would look up from the corner of the couch – or the room – and see Elliot waiting patiently for him to calm down. They’d never been further than the touch of her hand on his stomach. 

And JD hadn’t told her yet that he thought the whole thing was making his anxiety worse, not better. 

The walk to her apartment alone was anxiety-inducing, especially since JD had decided that today he would stop their sessions. He just hoped Elliot would be ok, wouldn’t cry like last time, wouldn’t be heartbroken that he’d failed her again. 

She was happy to see him, and they sit down on her couch together. 

“Carla said you were eating a lot more,” she told him, her straight white teeth shining at him. 

“Yeah, she’s been cooking for me. Turk, too.”

“I wish I could get someone to cook for me.” Elliot’s eyes widened. “Not that I would expect a partner to cook for me all the time or anything. It’s just—”

“I can’t do this anymore,” JD broke in.

Elliot became very still. “Do what?” she asked carefully. 

JD swallowed painfully, rubbing his thumbnail sharply against his palm. “Making out, touching, all of that. I just can’t. Maybe someday? But I can’t anymore.”

She nodded slowly. “Ok.”

“I’m really sorry,” he continued. “And you don’t have to wait for me or anything, you know? I don’t know if I’ll ever want to do that … again.” He’d never said that aloud before. What if he never wanted to have sex again? Or if he wanted to, but he just couldn’t?

“Ok, JD, it’s ok.” Elliot shifted to fully face him and reached for his hand, but stopped and pulled back. “That just…that sucks. But I never want to push you into doing something you don’t want to do.” She was tearing up, but smiling at him. 

He wondered if she realized that that was all she’d been doing, but he didn’t say anything. 

Elliot wiped her eyes on her sleeves and cleared her throat. “OK. So, other than food, how have you been?”

She wasn’t crying anymore, and she seemed to genuinely want to know, so JD told her about the sleeping pills helping him get over eight hours a night that last few nights and how much clearer his head had been lately. He told her about Dr. Rice’s suggestions – food, water, sleep, talk – how easy they sound and how difficult it was to execute them all, every day, in practice. 

“I don’t remember ever having to set an alarm to know when to drink water,” he explained, the words rushing out in a cascade. “I don’t remember starving before, but I ate all the time, so why is it so hard now?”

“You got into the habit of not doing it, not you have to get into the habit of doing it again.”

“How stupid is that? Babies can do it but I can’t.” They both chuckled. 

“What else did your doc tell you to do? Or is that it?”

JD hesitated, but he felt so good about getting all of this off of his chest that the worst poured out before he could really decide to say them. “He said I should forgive myself for all the stupid stuff I did, because I would forgive Turk if he was the one that did them.”

“What stupid stuff?” Elliot asked. 

“Just…,” he thought back to the list that flew through his head during therapy. “Like not reporting what happened to the police, or anyone. And going back to him over and over again. Dr. Rice said that Turk would forgive me for all of that.”

“Of course he would,” Elliot replied without hesitating. “Turk would forgive you for just about anything, and those might be mistakes that you made, but it doesn’t justify what happened to you.”

“Well, it’s other things, too.”

“Like what?”

JD scoffed, starting to feel irritated at the conversation. Elliot obviously wasn’t getting it.

“Like leading Dr. Cox straight to him. Dr. Cox got his brains bashed in and tied up in his own house because of me.”

“Not on you, and not even a mistake,” Elliot responded dismissively. “You couldn’t have known he’d be there, and you had no power to stop him.”

“Dr. Cox was stabbed because of me,” JD insisted. 

“He was barely stabbed,” Elliot shot back, “and not by you! You’re not responsible for the actions of a deranged stalker!”

“I yelled at Dr. Cox in a bar.”

“So has half the hospital staff.”

“I lied to all of you for months. I could have stopped all of this and actively chose not to. I went along with it. I chose to go back to his apartment over and over again. I missed him when he was in jail for stabbing me!”

Elliot was starting to get teary eyed again. It took her a moment to respond. “JD you know as well as I do how abusive relationships work. You know how abusers needle their way into their victim’s brain. We look out for it at the hospital every day because the victims are tricked into hiding it from everyone around them. And I don’t know about everything you went through, but I do know that if you apologized to Turk for lying to him, he would forgive you in an instant. If you apologized to him for being abused…. I’m not sure what he’d say, but he wouldn’t like the question very much because he’d know it wasn’t your fault. And he would expect you to know that, too.” She was crying a lot now, but her voice and gaze were steady. 

JD took a deep breath as he watched her. “I made you cry so many times, Elliot. I keep making you cry.”

Elliot laughed through her tears. “Turk can’t forgive you for that, but I can.”

JD left Elliot’s apartment feeling like a person. In his brain the conversation swirled and hovered like a preamble to something bigger: a test run for a conversation he had to have with Turk. It felt like Elliot was right, that Turk would forgive JD for everything, a clean sweep, but he couldn’t be sure.

He delayed. He ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner with Carla and Turk. He slept, somethings nine or ten hours, although it never quite felt like enough. He told his friends about how he felt both groggy and clearheaded all the time, about how he wondered if he’d feel more normal when his prescription ran out and he had to manage his sleep on his own, about how he missed having patients and gossip and going out to bars. He remembered his life before, in glimpses heavy with passion and meaning. He remembered what it felt like to care about things and people and himself, and he wanted to feel that again. 

The Sunday afternoon before his return to the hospital, JD and Turk started their Water World DVD, each with a pen and legal pad in hand and ready to take notes for their screenplay. The opening scene was still playing when JD realized how quiet and calm it was in the apartment. Carla as at work, and it had been a while since JD and Turk had an afternoon alone. He suddenly felt his face flush at the thought of what he was about to do. 

“Um…,” JD started, lowering his legal pad. “Actually, can we pause it for a minute?”

Turk complied immediately and turned on the couch to face his friend. “Yeah of course. You feeling ok?”

“I’m ok.” JD just had to say it, get it out and over with. “Do you think what happened was my fault?”

Eyebrows raised, Turk leaned in a bit and clarified, “Your fault?”

“Everything with…Daniel.”

They were both frozen for a moment, and then Turk looked down at the legal pad and flicked his pen against the paper. 

He’s thinking about it, JD realized. His breath stopped; it felt like his heart stopped. This was obviously a mistake, and Elliot had no idea what she was talking about. 

But then Turk cleared his throat and looked up, and his eyes were red. JD felt his mouth drop open. Turk’s voice shook as he finally responded. 

“The very first mistake,” he started, maintaining eye contact with a stunned JD, “the first wrong step that started everything, was when I decided that you couldn’t talk to me about everything that happened in your life.” Turk shifted so he was even closer to JD. “I need you to understand that…that giant misstep that’s on my head. I wasn’t there for you exactly when you needed me. It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, and I’m not going to make it again. I’m not. Do you believe me?”

The question startled JD, but Turk looked so earnest that JD nodded, still feeling unsure. 

“Do you think you could forgive me?” Turk asked, his voice more steady. 

Turk looked so serious and so sure of what he was saying that JD nodded again. 

“OK,” Turk said, turning back to look at the paused television. “I’m glad we got that out of the way.”

JD continued to stare at the side of his friend’s face. He felt blindsided, like the conversation had been stolen from him. He didn’t get to lay out the lies he told, the injuries and tears he’d caused. Turk had done nothing that needed to be forgiven, and it baffled JD that Turk could link the beginning of everything that happened with a tiny gap in their friendship, a gap that just happened to coincide with JD meeting the wrong person and making all of his stupid mistakes. Maybe the gap was one-sided, but everyone makes mistakes, and Turk hadn’t meant any harm to come from it. Not that JD has meant his mistakes to cause any harm either, it had just kept working out that way….

Turk had brushed aside JD’s complicity like it was nothing compared to his, as though his own guilt outweighed anything JD had to say. It made JD feel both slighted and absolved. 

Forgiven. He felt forgiven. Turk hadn’t said anything like that, he hadn’t even listened to JD’s confession, but JD felt the tight ball of fear and anxiety compressed inside him unfurl, tingling through his chest, his arms and legs, into his head. He felt light. His head was filled with air and butterflies. He laughed, but it was choked, and he realized he was crying. 

Turk glanced over at him and smiled. “How about we get on with this viewing so we can shore up the second act?” He pushed play. 

JD knew that he didn’t miss Daniel at all. He’d never loved Daniel; he’d been afraid of him. He just missed knowing that someone loved him so much. It was hard to believe that anyone would ever love him as much as Daniel had loved him. JD would never be someone’s whole world. Even his parents had each other and his brother and their own brothers and sisters and parents. And JD had been in love before - at least he thought he had - but nothing even nearing the passion and singular obsession of Daniel’s love for him. And it was easy to understand and accept that no one would ever love him that way again. He wouldn’t want them to, anyway. Love like that was frightening and unhealthy. But losing it still felt like a loss. 

Being surrounded by people like Turk and Carla and Elliot helped. A lot. 

His second first week back at the hospital was uneventful and exhausting and spectacular. Head clear and heart light, JD could focus on learning about his patients, exploring the medical mysteries around him, and being around the hospital staff again – who were only slightly wary of him after what he was guessing was very weird behavior the last time he was around. Strange looks and whispers followed him down the halls and JD resolved to keep his head up high and pretend it wasn’t happening. The looks filled his head at night before bed, and embarrassment would normally have kept him up for hours with anxiety swimming in his gut. His dwindling supply of sleeping pills helped for now. 

He ate lunches with his friends in the cafeteria and joined in their banter as though he were a part of their group again. Finishing meals was still difficult, but his friends seemed happy that he was eating anything at all. Carla occasionally passed him a bottle of water when he stopped at the nurse’s station, and he wondered if all the attention he was basking in would eventually become tedious. For now, it was keeping him afloat through medical records, tests, patient histories, and more walking than his poor skinny legs could handle in a 12-hour shift. His friends were a revelation. 

When he saw Dr. Rice that week and told him about everything that had happened during his suspension, the doctor seemed impressed, maybe surprised. 

“I’m glad it’s working out for you, JD. Let’s think of one more small thing you can add to your regimen this week.”

“Like what?”

“Eating, drinking, sleeping, talking, that’s all going really well. Is there another area of your life that you think could be improved? What else is still giving you anxiety?”

JD told him about the staff at work watching him, curious about him. He talked about his legs aching from walking so much, and about how thin he was and how much that worried him. On the tip of his tongue was the deep fear that he would never be able to be intimate again… but it didn’t come out. Not today. 

Dr. Rice suggested eating lunch with coworkers other than Carla, Turk, and Elliot, joining a gym, maybe taking relaxing baths a few times a week. JD agreed readily to all three, but Dr. Rice suggested he pick one for this week and try to add another next week. As absolutely overwhelming as the idea of sleeping and eating were a week ago, taking a long bath seemed like no big deal. 

“It’s great to see you’re feeling better, JD.” Dr. Rice said, closing his notebook toward the end of the session. “Just so you know, it’s ok to have setbacks too. Some weeks you might not feel so ready to take on the world, and that’s normal. You just have to keep trying and keep me and your friends in the loop.”

“Ok, I’ll do that.”

It was scary to think that next week, JD might not feel like he did now. That night, he told Turk about what Dr. Rice had said. 

“That’s ok. You can’t be motivated and excited all the time. Nobody is.”

“Yeah, just…“ JD hesistated, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve gotten really skinny. So if you can, could you keep me eating normally?”

“I can do that.” Turk looked serious. JD wondered if he would get fat after all. 

The second week of his second time back at the hospital, Dr. Cox returned from vacation. JD had no idea where the older doctor had been, and no one on the staff seemed to know either. His gruff demeanor and biting sarcasm was back, registering to JD as so very Dr. Cox that it was almost cartoonish. JD didn’t see him much, but when he did, his former mentor treated him as though they hadn’t experienced trauma together, which was fine with JD. He was working hard to keep his head above water in terms of whispering and staring and gossip by engaging in normal conversations with coworkers, so the last thing he needed was for Dr. Cox to look at him like he was broken. Or punch him in the face. JD wasn’t sure which would be worse for gossip or his psyche. 

JD happened upon Dr. Cox one day in the changing rooms as Dr. Cox was finishing his shift and JD was starting his. The older doctor was sat on a bench, lab coat bunched up in his fists, staring at the wall. He looked haunted, haggard. Exhausted. JD wondered if he’d looked like the last time he tried to work when he wasn’t sleeping. He approached carefully. 

“Hey Dr. Cox,” he said lightly, opening his locker and shifting his backpack off his shoulder. 

“Newbie,” the doctor grunted. 

JD screwed his eyes shut and worked up the nerve to ask casually, “How was the vacation? Where did you go?”

“Jersey. It was fine.”

New Jersey seemed to JD like a weird place to go on vacation. 

Dr. Cox was still sitting, grinding the jacket in his fist. JD paused and watched the material shift under white knuckles. 

“Dr. Cox,” he started, then stopped. “Perry.”

The older man looked up at him, eyes dull. 

JD continued quietly, “If you ever want to talk about anything, you can talk to me.”

Dr. Cox looked very doubtful. 

“I mean, I’m doing a lot better, and even so, I might be able to relate. A little bit. And I’ve been talking a lot to Turk and Elliot and Dr. Rice, and it helps more than I ever thought it could. Even when it’s only about how I’m feeling right at that moment. For some reason, it just helps a lot to know that someone else is the world knows what I’m feeling. So, if you ever want to try, you can talk to me.”

The words were all jumbled in his mouth; talking about talking must be a skill he hadn’t mastered yet. But Dr. Cox didn’t look quite so doubtful, and his fist loosened as he looked away. 

JD went back to shoving his stuff into his locker and getting changed, and the other doctor eventually wandered out of the room. JD took a deep breath, forced his lungs and ribs and chest expand as far as they would go, and let it all rush out again. He slammed the locker closed and left to start his day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JD is only on the second step of his journey, but I have a lot of hope for him. 
> 
> It took me 13 years and a global pandemic to finish this story. When I started I was a spry young lad of 20. I wrote one chapter on a bullet train between Osaka and Tokyo. In 13 years, I graduated twice and changed careers about seven times. I'm giving myself hope that some of my favorite fanfics might be finished one day, too. And that they'll have happy endings, if it's appropriate. 
> 
> The ups and downs of this story was heavily influenced by an amazing Psych fic by dragonnan called The Fury. If you enjoyed the struggle and you love Psych, I'm sure you will also enjoy that story. It's on Psychfic.net if not here.


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